How do I get my partner to understand? serious answers only plz!!?

Question

My partner has 2 kids..16 and 11..I have been with her for 8 yrs. I teach, she works retail, so the hours are opposite..I always get stuck taking care of the kids..she told me that it was my responsibility to take care of them, I stated it was my responsibility to help. Well, tonight she informed me that she was taking her employees out to dinner on tuesday, at 9pm. I asked if it was going to be a late night, she stated she didn't know. I told her that I wished she would have asked if I minded keeping the 11 yr old who has ADHD, since I am with everyday, ALL day. She told me she shouldn't have too, that I am not her parent. That it was getting my permission for her to go. I do all the cooking, cleaning, yard work, taking the kids to EVERY appointment. I am tired and I can't get her to talk without taking it personal. She states that I think she is awful. I don't I just think she is selfish. I have given for 8 full yrs and would like a thank you rather than me assuming. Am I wrong?

Answer 1

I would pack and run far away...Unless you like being used....

Answer 2

No, you're not wrong that a thank-you is in order. Probably many thank-yous, and on a regular basis.
An 11 year old that has ADHD probably has more issues with bad parenting as a young child than some chemical imbalance. It's a horrible trend that kids are being drugged for parent's lack of parenting skills.
You have to learn to be firm in what you expect and the respect you expect, for starters. Start drawing the line sooner, and start putting more expectations on her. The problem is already well into a pattern, so changing your behavior toward her is going to make her resist, but don't give in, as long as you have thought out each situation and believe it to be fair.
Tell her straight-out that the chores work-load is imbalanced, and that it is not fair to you. See how she replies to that. She can't deny what is obvious, can she?

Answer 3

Wow...weird relationship. How did you get involved in this anyway?

I can't imagine why you would continue to do this to yourself...IF, and that's a big IF... your description of the situation is accurate.

My guess is that her version might be very different.

I don't know if you're "wrong". Wrong about what? Feeling that she's selfish? Feeling used? Feeling disrespected, unappreciated? Seems to me that you've allowed this relationship to take the path that it has with virtually no resistance.

In my opinion, where you went "wrong" is when you hooked up with this person who has sizable baggage and didn't bother to marry her. The fact that you didn't leads me to believe that you have other problems much bigger than the one you describe here. This is just one episode of a very strange relationship - at least the way you explain it. I think you basically lack self-respect and perhaps are missing a spine.

You need some serious counseling, big guy. I'd start tomorrow.

Answer 4

No you aren't wrong, you are being walked all over. You need to stand up and be a man. Yes, if you are with someone for that long, you do share in everything, even raising the kids, no matter whose they are. But she is taking advantage of you in a big way. You do all the work around the house and yard, what exactly does she do? I wouldn't care if she took it personal, it IS personal. Tell her things have got to change or you are out of there, give her a wake up call. She knows no other man will do what you are doing for her and she won't want to lose you. You will start resenting her if it doesn't change and it can't change unless you stand up and be the man of the house. They are her biological kids, she should be with them more than you. Be firm, be serious and good luck to you.

Answer 5

you have been together for 8 yrs do you love each other or is it convenience, the 16 yr old I'm sure should be able to take care of the 11 yr old and you should be able to join your partner more in going out with her and her employees,if you want more than just an expectation for you to take care of the kids than the only way to do it is letting her know or not being there when expected.

Answer 6

I think you are right. You are to be a help, not a sole parent to her kids. She is lucky that you accepted her kids in the first place and perhaps she needs to get off the day shift and see what it takes to deal with an ADHD CHILD. I quit a guy I was falling in love with because of his ADHD 8 YEAR OLD...I APPLAUD YOU! I could not take it after 3 months of seeing them everyday. The side affect of the child having to know EVERYTHING AND BEING IN CHARGE of her surroundings, just made me BONKERS. She even asked me if I wore panties to bed? Now really!

Anyway, you need to explain to her that you don't want to 'give her permission' to do anything; but, as her partner in raising 'her' kids, you need a bit of consideration and appreciation by checking to see if you have any strength left to deal longer with the kids each day. She is not doing the rough stuff! You are. DEMAND THIS AND BE PREPARED TO SHOW CONSEQUENCES TO HER ACTIONS. GOOD LUCK. HONEY, YOU ARE BEING USED BIG TIME!! GET A LIFE FOR YOURSELF!

Answer 7

You give a lot to her and the relationship. She really should appreciate you more and not take you and what you do for granted.

Talking hasn't worked, because she is getting what she wants, and basically that's what matters to her. You can only get her to understand through actions which affect her. Find a way to stop doing all the work. She will have to step up. Right now there is no need for her to do more, because you are doing it.

A side benefit of this will be that she will actually learn to appreciate you more instead of maintaining this thankless attitude.

Answer 8

She should be getting some kind of child support from the father right? to take care of their children? helping out once in a while is one thing, in the meanwhile, especially with special needs in the picture, she should use that child support to pay someone to watch the children... Next time she "informs" you that she has an event that she has not discussed with you, say "who is watching your children?" or tell her that you need to start getting someone on call to watch the kids because you are not going to be giving them more attention than she herself is willing to give. And, if she treats her responsability toward her children this way, and disregards you this way... why would you stay 8 years?

Answer 9

Why don't you want her to take it personally?? It is personal! And she is being selfish! She is the mom and should be the in charge person. She should ask if you mind, and thank you if you agree. How do you feel about the kids? I would hope that you love them and want to nurture them as you have been in their lives through their formative years.
It sounds like you feel you are being taken for granted. You need to have a talk with your partner and set some clear boundaries.

Answer 10

Wrong? No. But I do think you're being a doormat. Sounds like she's using you for free childcare, and isn't seeing you as an equal. 8 years of this? Why are you in it?

And if she loved and respected you as a partner, she WOULD discuss her dinners and late nights with you. That's what being in a partnership is about. I'd move on.

Answer 11

first of all you sound like a good person that she does not
appreciate, i would let her know that it about respect in'
a relationship it take both people to make this work, as for
the kids they are not your kids, it good that you do things for
them but they are her kids not yours. and after 8 years she
should respect you more then she does. time to let her
know how you feel and then do what is right for you
trust me she may not see it now but when you out the
door then she may see what a good man you are. trust
me there are women out there that would apprecate a
good man like you. and for the record she is very selfish.