This is my first attempt at free form poetry what do you think?

Question

Alone i sit in the darkness of the night;
In solitude and alone.
My eyes gaze skyward looking for something;
Something my heart can only feel.
Depth, like the oceans mighty breast enveloping me;
emptiness, weightlessness, crushing, pitiful thoughts made to hear but remain unspoken.
Can you hear me, do you care? An agonizing mental scream does say.
Do you feel me, do you see me? how am i to survive?
Love, is it real? to feel the emotion like a knife bending my soul.
Faith, is it real? like an anvil of unbending steel slick and untouchable, a phantom in the night.
To my knees i fall, answer come unbidden;
Alone i watch the dawn sweet light flow back into the velvety darkness;
To erase the loneliness and cast away the doubt of heart alone in the night.

Answer 1

very good. but i do have some suggestions

the second line is repetitive. "Alone I sit in the darkness of the night;
In solitude and alone." I would recommend making that one line, like "In solitude and alone I sit in the darkness of the night". Flows better and it's not repetitive.

I may be reading this wrong, but I think that "Something my heart can only feel" might be better as "Something only my heart can feel". I would (personally) also change "My eyes gaze skyward looking for something" to "My eyes gaze skyward seeking for something" so those two lines read

"My eyes gaze skyward, seeking for something;
Something only my heart can feel"

Also, capitalize the "i"'s in your poem.

"To my knees i fall, answer come unbidden" That's a good thought, but improper grammar. It should read "To my knees I fall, answers come unbidden" or "To my knees I fall, answer comes unbidden" to be grammatically correct.

"Alone i watch the dawn sweet light....." should be "dawn's"

The last line is good, but doesn't flow well because of grammar. it should say "doubts of the heart" or possibly "hearts doubt" instead of "the doubt of heart", just doesn't work.

really good imagery, i liked this poem a lot. keep writing. and for this being your first free form it's quite well done.

Answer 2

Congrats! This is quite deep and challenges the intellect for closer interraction. Even though some prepositions and conjunctions may require some recasting, the central theme of solitude or being alone, shouting in a void, is readily discernible.
I like this line;

My eyes gaze skyward looking for something;

It raises anxiety, expectation and uncertainty. We begin to wonder about this "something" (better, skywards!)!
Hence, the reader feels this burning urge to know more. What is it really? Then,

Something my heart can only feel.

This line does not answer the question but powerfully, foregrounds the implicit domain of that something!
A couple of confounding images follow but then, "poetic licence" is akin to the First Amendment in literary artistic expression!
The uncertain "something" is perhaps the ray of hope in the penultimate line of the poem.
There's a glimmer of hope in this solitude as "i watch the dawn sweet light" inspite of this pervading, all-encompassing darkness. This is the symbol of hope that will "erase the loneliness" and do something more, that is, "cast away the doubt of heart." Even if the reader is not specifically, told the taste, the smell, and the texture of this symbol of hope, whether it is borne by the "you" of the rhetorical question, "Can you hear me, do you care?" we may never conclusively tell. However, one aspect is clarified beyond doubt the lonely heart may not forever dwell with Hades and Persephone under the watchful eye of Cerberus! There's some light at the end of the dark tunnel, hence the latent affirmation of life in that eternal struggle between light and darkness in metaphorical poetic terms. And hence, the subtler glorification of humanism, that life-blood of literary expression.
Dis Dain, at least, in my view, this is a much better piece than the earlier one which left a lot of lenient room for audacious disdain!
Cheers.

Answer 3

I agree that the first two lines are redundant--even "solitude" and "alone" mean the same thing.

Also, don't try to romantisize your poetry by using old-sounding language: instead of "an agonizing mental scream does say" use "An agonizing mental scream says"; also reverse that line to make it active voice: "An agonizing mental scream says Can you hear me? Do you care?"

Answer 4

I think that its really good...of course I personally like poems that have the same number of syllables in each line because I am neutrotic like that...but even though there was no perfect rythm, I still thought it was good and definelty has potential!

Answer 5

I like it!!!!!!!! It really says alot about your feelings and what is going on inside of your heart. Keep your head up and your steps light. May GOD bless you and direct your paths.

By the way, has anyone told you that they love you today?

I love you!

Answer 6

It's beautiful.
I love when you said "Love, is it real? to feel the emotion like a knife bending my soul."
It gave me chills.

Answer 7

Dude, you have just put what has driven me crazy for years (in my head) into a poem..... simply amazing.

Answer 8

Very thought provoking. And I like having my thoughts provoked.

Answer 9

wow! your poem is great :) I would have never thought it was your first free form poem if you didn't say so.

Answer 10

You have passion for it, good. Good imagery.