Should I have stayed even though he cheated with my best friend!?

Question

About two years ago, when I was 4 months pregnant I found out my husband was cheating with my best friend of 13 years. We seperated but we were still hanging out and being intimate. He decided to move across country and I followed of course because I thought we could work things out and I wanted father for my daughter, it's now 2 years later and I have a second daughter and my husband is still being selfish, from what I know he's not cheating but he is only thinking of himself in that w/ a newborn he sleeps more than me, he doesn't take the initiative to help out with housework or even take care of me when I am sick.

He's also never apologized for what he did, at the time he said he never slept with her only kissed her and so that doesn't constitute as cheating!!! HELLO! I need some advice because I feel so stupid for trying to stick this out even though he treats me like **** one day then acts like everything is cool the next!

Should I go back home or keep trying?

Answer 1

You're still married. Where do you think 'home' is? Have you tried telling your husband exactly what you need from him in the form of help at home? It's not that unusual for a man not be to be a good 'nurse' to a wife when she is sick. I would never force a man to take care of a newborn - I would be worried for the newborn! He may not help with the housework - that also is not unusual.
I'm sensing from your question that you might still be smarting from the cheating he did with your best friend. I just don't think cheating starts as kissing and stays kissing. You're right to be skeptical. On the other hand, you've had two years to realize that he is married to YOU and unless he is cheating again, he probably realizes that cheating is a mistake.
You need stability, so do your children. Can you provide that all alone? Whatever you do, they will always be in your husband's life. With any luck, he will develop into a better father. I'd say 'work it out.' That is going to take time but it is worth taking the time.

Answer 2

Divorce
There are two tasks that need to be done before a person decides to divorce. First the person deciding to leave needs to grieve the loss of what that person wanted out of the marriage. The ideal, the dream, or what once was and now is no more. That person needs to go all the way through the grieving process including the five stages of grief which usually takes about a year.
The five stages will be listed here because if you are thinking of leaving, it will give you an idea of how far you are in grieving.
1. Denial - I can't believe this is as bad as it is. He or she will get better. There is still hope for this relationship.
2. Anger - It is all my partner's fault. That person is the one that is in the wrong. Why me?
3. Bargaining - If only this would have happened or that would be different or if we could get help or if that would have worked. This is the working through understanding what went wrong in the relationship. Was it about me or the other person? Is there any way of salvaging it?
4. Guilt - It is all my fault. I am the one that allowed this to happen. I am the one that made all of the mistakes. I am the one that is wrong.
5. Acceptance - This is when you can say to yourself it is over and it no longer hurts to say it. This is when it becomes a relief to leave your partner because you know without a doubt that it is over.
Each of these stages have a purpose in understanding why the relationship failed. Each needs to be gone through.

The second task is to feel that you have done everything you could to salvage the relationship. While most of this is done in the bargaining phase, in the end it needs to be part of the acceptance that you have tried everything and nothing has worked. It does not matter what these things are, they are unique to the individual and the relationship. It just matters that you have tried several things and none have worked.

Also consider the miserable factor. What percentage of the time are you miserable? The higher the percentage the more likely you will want to get out of the marriage.

Answer 3

First - ask yourself - do you really love your husband? Did you really FORGIVE him of his indiscretion or do you throw it up every chance you get? Do you want your marriage to work? If the answers are yes - then you and your husband need some "US/WE" time. Can you get a sitter? Plan a nice evening 'out' - just the two of you. Dress up, make up, get as jazzy as you no how. Leave all your anger and frustration behind. Don't fuss. Don't argue. Buy him something really nice - like a nice tie or cologne. Tell him you want him to get really nice and sexy for you. Dance, Sing, dance some more and just have a good time. Now, does this solve your issues - no - but I'll tell you - if you start this off carefree and without drama, your husband might just look at you differently. One thing you should know - I believe he loves you. I believe he wants his family, but as his wife, you might just have to dig deep down inside of yourself and pull up more love than you think is your share. Write him little notes/cards. Let him know you love him and how much you need him, how important he is to you and to your family - especially to your children. Smile more often. Touch him. Talk to him. It is important that husband and wife share their feelings openly and honestly without malice or blaming. There are some key elements that every marriage must have to be successful. Honesty, trust, love, friendship, caring and God. I wish you the best. You and only you will know when you have done all that you can do and when you must make a decision.

Answer 4

My dear, you should have NEVER followed that worthless lump of crap ANYWHERE in the first place; now two years and two KIDS later, you're in a worse situation than you were in the first place.

While he may not be cheating NOW, he may have (especially during your pregnancy), and he may yet again. In my opinion (and from personal experience), once a cheater, ALWAYS a cheater.

But the bigger issue here is that he extends ZERO respect for you - the mother of his children - and you LET him walk all over you. If you have ANY self-respect left, you will pack your stuff ASAP and get into a better, healthier situation (i.e., home or wherever), file for divorce, file for child support and leave this horrid chapter of your life long behind you.

Good luck.

Answer 5

I think you need to get out of this relationship. There is no excuse for what he did to you, and I am not generally an advocate of breaking up a family with small children, because it is never the childs fault though they reep the pain, but in this case, he is not going to be the right rolemodel for your babies. You need to get out of this situation, go back home and lean on those people who truly care about you, your parents, friends (except for the one he cheated with, because you should never speak to her again). I am sorry for your situation and I wish you the best.

Answer 6

Go back home! I understand why you wanted to stick it out - but your girls need to know that the way he's treating you is NOT the way a woman should be treated.
Good Luck!

Answer 7

No once a cheater always a cheater. Get rid of the looser. No woman deserves to be treated like crap.

Also if you stay with him, your going to always throw this in his face and one day he is going to leave you.

Be strong

Answer 8

i think in your heart you know the answer to that already, it's the golden rule,do unto others as you would have done unto you. he doesn't sound like he's ready for real life responsiblity, BUT, IF you deside to return home i believe he will know to are serious and your not going to take it anymore,and no matter what you have to start taking about you.prove to yourself you can do it.. YOU CAN DO IT.

Answer 9

sounds like a pretty hard-headed guy that probably wont change. its good that you tried hard to make it work and it' understandable that you want to continue the relationship (sounds like you really love him) and he may love you too, but it doesn't sound like he's mature enough to handle the relationship right now. take care of yourself and your children first and foremost, and if he matures he'll come back to you.

Answer 10

NO...NO,need to go....
have two Friends going thought that, not working out....