What do you think? Any advice is welcome.?

Question

The night wind blows so quite with peace,
To lay down silently a brief unknowing release.
To dream of world that i know nothing about,
pity the screams of the tortured as restlessly he shouts.
Curse the dawn that drives away blessed night,
To burn through the dreamer and cast away fright.
Another world lay waiting, another day at an end,
Another chance for freedom another choice not condemned.
The night song of crickets they lull me away;
A death but not dying a new start to each day.
The night is like a blanket that cradles the dawn;
A silent master or servent whos mercy are soon gone.
A reprieve, a break, some peace for the mind,
A time of endless wandering for the dreamer to unwind.

Answer 1

Dis Dain, if you really need genuine thoughts and advice without feeling offended, I'd comment that in my opinion, the poem is a bit stale and tired. It could be fresher if you were not driven by the compulsion to make the end lines rhyme as in peace/release; night/fright; end/condemned; away/day; dawn/gone; mind/ unwind.
Many young poets often think that a poem is all rhyme as in Mother Goose kindergerten lyrics! That would be good if you were no intending to communicate some important message. A poem is simply a style or poetic form for communicating some message unless it was composed only for its musicality. Hence, Baa baa black sheep and twinkle twinkle little star are powerful rhythmic lyrics for they appeal to the sense of hearing for which they were composed. But it is different if a poem is meant to convey more than the music.
Forcing various lexicon to fit in for the sake of rhyme directly affects and infringes on the semantic currency of the poem unless of course the poet is Byron, Shakespeare, Marlow or Milton. The result is a meaningless poem, short on form and yet also searching for meaning.
Words are good servants but they can also be the greatest enemies of noble efforts.
Take for example, your lines:
"The night wind blows so quite with peace/,
To lay down silently a brief unknowing release."

One feels that "night" is tiredly inserted without much consideration since there is a rush to insert "peace" at the end of the line. In the rush even though "nightly" is the best adjective to qualify "wind," and "quiet" was possibly intended instead of "quite," the interest is on "peace". And so "lay" in the second line is totally ignored, no thought given to it. yet it is the past tense of "lie" and not lay/laid verb conjugation that must have an object!! Of course it is used better in "Another world lay waiting, another day at an end"
But what is the effect of this image:

The night song of crickets they lull me away;/
A death but not dying a new start to each day.

I'd say it's hard to crack what you are trying to say in those lines!

In short, I'd advise you to try and write in free verse. Ask yourself what it is you want to communicate and why you want to communicate it in poetic style.
If you focus on those two issues, you may leave rhyme schemes alone and convey a more substantial, a more memorable lasting message.
But let these comments not hinder your creative energies. Just continue to compose poems as you feel best. After all, mine is just an opinion of one reader, purely subjective reaction that you can just brush aside and ignore without any injury done to your creative drives and talents!!

Good luck

Answer 2

You sound totally trustworthy and positive, but can you also understand how she might be having just a little trouble trusting men right about now? You yourself have explained the whole thing so well right within your very own question: "she came straight out of an abusive relationship" says it all. There is a book written by Laura Huxley (Aldous Huxley's daughter?) and it is entitled "You Are Not The Target." It is the same in this case. You are not the target here. She is. She is very clearly adjusting to getting her life back. That would hold anyone for a few minutes. Do not claim the upset personally. Let go and flow with her and before you know it the two of you will be on the same wavelength. Right now, she is learning how to trust you. She is regaining that capacity to trust anyone. It is not easy, especially if you have been on the receiving end of things for a bit too long. Trust is one of the hardest and consequently one of the most valued aspects of any relationship. I'll bet she loves you dearly, but it is simply a case of too much, too soon. If you can bring yourself to slow the whole thing down with her a little and just calm down yourself, I guarantee what opens on the horizon for both of you will be worth writing home about. This is a good thing you both have so honour yourselves and become worthy of it. She is finding out that you are really there for her, and it is probably blowing her mind. I cannot imagine how much pain she has been through, especially if it has been of the "slow burn" variety. Thank you for posting this sensitive and important question.

Answer 3

This poem is very interesting. Dreamer would be a good title. At some points I am confused, but after a second reading, the message becomes more clear. There are a lot of dark images here, but our world today warrants such desolation.

Answer 4

I quite liked it. I thought that some of the metaphysical imagery was particularly effective. Interesting rhythmic devices too, which seemed to counterpoint the surrealism of the underlying metaphor of the humanity of the poet's compassionate soul, which contrives through the medium of the verse structure to sublimate this, transcend that, and come to terms with the fundamental dichotomies of the other and one is left with a profound and vivid insight into whatever the poem is about!

Answer 5

It Rocks U should call it peaceful dreamer

Answer 6

I really liked it. Enjoyed the way you conjured up pictures with
words. Dark but relief at the end.

Answer 7

Its good but i think i have read it somewhere, anyway nice 1.

Answer 8

beautiful!!!!!!!!!!!