Who would win in a death match if a shampoo bottle fought a cannibal?

Answer 1

finally a question that I can relate my real world experience too.

bear with me, but around 4 years ago I witnessed this exact fight in a dank bar in the middle of saskatoon.
and here's how it went down.

I was driving around town when I realized that my gin and mescaline supply was getting dangerously low. after I finished of this bottle of tanq and the next one I would only have one more left. So I decided to do the responsible thing and stop at a bar.... hoping to steal some booze from behind the bar when the bartender was serving someone else.
when I walked through the door the smell hit me in the face like a shovel.... if I were to be hit in the face with a shovel, that is.... not like a shovel that is just laying there on the ground slacking off being all like " hey... look at me.... im a shovel "
the smell of sweatty locals and clean hair. it was pantene.....I remeber that night like it was yesterday.....only darker....more like last night I guess.
I was comming down pretty fast so all I could think of was stealing booze from this foolish bartender. I sat down at the bar and the bartender said " woah....slow down there buddy.... you know where your sitting? " I slowly scanned the room and saw a hand full of toothless 60 year olds slowly chuckling, staring at me, drinking their beers.I turn to the bartender and say " sure.... Im sitting in this stool.......OH MY GOD THERES A MONKEY BEHIND YOU!!!!!!" by the time the bartender realized that there was never any monkey behind him and had turned around to face me I had 2 bottles of rye in my pants. " taint no monkey behind me" said the bartender .
" oh....sorry, I must have mistaken that bear for a monkey "
by the time the bartender realized there was no bear behind him I had stolen another bottle of rye and a hand full of olives.
" look fella.... I dont know where your from but round here.... the bar stools are saved for our valuable customers...yah dig? "I appologized and tryed to stand up to leave but something was pushing down on my shoulder....hard. I dropped the hand full of olives and turned to see what was holding me down.....( in slow motion ) and before the olives could hit the floor my eyes were streaming with painfull soapy matter.
" Oh my god.... my eyes.....they burn so much....as if I carelessly got shampoo in them" i screamed.
when I regained my sight I had a horrible goose egg and there was a shampoo bottle sitting in my stool.
I stood up confused and the shampoo bottle turned to me and said " whats up now little *****! you aint never seen shampoo before? "
I said...." actually no i have never in my life seen a walking, talking bottle of shampoo. "

a hush fell over the bar.... I could hear the creaking floor boards as the old greasers ( all with fantastic hair ) slid their chairs back.... now I was afraid.... 2 seconds lasted forever......

" AHHH ****..... now I KNOW you didnt just say what I THOUGHT you said " and the shampoo bottle stood up....he was much bigger when he was standing up...
" what?....I/......"
" you just called me a BOTTLE!? izzat it? HUH? zat what you see when you look at me?....HUH?..... a BOTTLE?!"
by now I realized that calling a bottle of shampoo, a bottle of shampoo, was politically incorrect."
" uh....no sorry.....I just....havent......"
"Oh....you done gone an **** ED up now *****!" said the bottle of shampoo as he smashed his bottle of beer on the bar and prepared to cut me like a fish.
all of a sudden the hush was brocken by the opening of a door.
" HEY you piece of **** BOTTLE..... what you think your doing in my bar there **** face? "
it was a man... I was sure of it... all i could make out was his silloette against the streetlights out side but I knew he was human.... like a hairy angel with a stump for an arm and soaked in another mans blood.... and probably carrying a number of diseases. also he had an axe.

" you know the rules randy.... wendsdays this is MY bar"
said the bottle of shampoo
" Humans will NEVER take orders from some dumb ******* bottle of low rent shampoo GET THE **** OUT OF MY BAR BOTTLE!"

by now I had crawled out of the way and was glad I did because it was just about to go back into slow motion.

" now randy....you know I dont like to be called a bottle "
randy spat on the floor near the bottle " dont give a **** what you or your kind think bottle "
and before I could blink ( but in slow motion it took about 20 seconds, 8 camera cut angles and plenty of other cool looking stuff )
the bottle was lying on the ground dripping shampoo all over the hard wood.
in his dying breath the bottle turned to me and choked " you fool......hack*hack* ...... I was....trying....to ....pro...*hack* tect you......gwauh."

I laughed at him and said " thats what you get you stupid ******* bottle........YEA *****!"
and then randy was standing beside me slapping me on the back " thats the spirit boy.......MOTHER **** that bottle.... the **** he think he is.......now..... since I saved you from shampoo bottle i think its time you did a little something for me........"
" yah sure " I said
" okay......... take off you pants.... Im going to cut off your penis and eat it. "

so. in answer to your question. the cannibal wins. the cannibal is a human who does not eat shampoo. and he ate my penis

Answer 2

The shampoo bottle. Why? because a cannibal only fights to eat and as ravenfnord above pointed out, only eats their own species. So a cannibal has to also be a shampoo bottle to wanna fight a shampoo bottle. Hence if 2 shampoo bottles fought and only one wins even if only one is a cannibal, the winner will always be a shampoo bottle.

Answer 3

Is this shampoo bottle mysteriously animated?
What about the cannibal - primitive or civilized (well, except for being a cannibal)?

Here's one idea of the situation:
Primitive cannibal steps on unanimated shampoo bottle, shampoo goes into cannibal's eyes, cannibal tries to get his revenge by eating the shampoo bottle, dies from consuming too much soap.

Answer 4

wouldn't the cannibal only eat the shampoo bottle if he himself was a shampoo bottle? Cannibals eat their own species, right? Ya know, just some thought for food, err, food for thought

Answer 5

Edward Cullen

Answer 6

the shampoo bottle cuz the cannibal would try to eat it and die of shampoo poisoning:)

Answer 7

the shampoo bottle, the cannibal would try to eat it and get shampoo piosoning!! lol!

Answer 8

Is this really a question? Shampoo bottles can't fight! And Cannibnals have more sense, they would not fight with a bottle!

Answer 9

Did you try asking this question under the Polls & Surveys? It has nothing to do with History.

Answer 10

are you retarded?