my husband thinks my poetry is great, but then again he would. can you help?

Question

Here now

If we looked after ourselves,
With the utmost of care,
If we exercised regular,
And if all vices were rare,
If we never smoked ciggers,
Or drank spirits or beer,
If grapes were just fruit,
would we have longer here?

If we ate no fattty foods,
And if we got plenty of sleep,
If we filled up on vegies,
And only lean cow or lean sheep,
If we never stressed out,
If we kept our minds free and clear,
If we all practiced yoga,
would we have longer here?

If we never got wasted,
And if we never let down our hair,
If we never got drumk,
Cause we just didn't dare,
If our bodies were healthy,
Cause we all lived in fear,
Would we even want,
To have longer here?

Answer 1

There are some glaring spelling errors (though I'd sure those are typos.
ciggers = cigars
drumk=drunk

I'm not a very big fan of this poem, I'm a little more use to darker poetry.

I think however the underlying question of "Would we have longer here?" and "Would we even want to have longer here?" is quite strong and I think it could be improved upon, by tackling more substantial issues. Perhaps more extreme aspects of things you mentioned here.

All and all I think it's a great start ... ^_^
If you would like some more detailed advice I'd be happy to go into further detail.

Answer 2

could take the middle out seen the end coming after the first two lines.

Answer 3

To answer your query,
Yes. You are great!
Now it is time to go kiss your mate.

Say sorry to him,
"Oh, dear, I am contrite
and next time I doubt you
you can tell me to go fly a kite!"

Answer 4

WOW! i like it.. did you really make that poem.. it's a piece of art.. i love it.! it makes me wonder why too...

Answer 5

very great honey, congrats for your art.

Answer 6

it is great

Answer 7

good one!!!!!