I'm afraid for her... what do I do?

Question

My best friend's husband abuses her. Physically the most I have seen/heard is him pushing her and grabbing her arm. Emotionally though, it is rough. He yells and screams at her. He doesn't let her spend time with me without calling every 20 minutes. He expects her to attend to his every little need with no acknowledgement of what she does. He told her that she cannot go back to school "for the sake of the familyI" and he also won't let her work (which isn't really a problem at the moment b/c she is about to have her baby within the next few weeks. When I am around her, he ignores her and gives her mean looks just b/c he doesn't like me. I talked to her about how I feel and she seemed to understand and feel the same way, but she said that she couldn't leave b/c she couldn't make it on her own. The next day, she said everything was great between them and that he wasn't abusive. I am afraid of how he may become in the future to her and the baby... What can I do??

I am not the problem. I am the excuse for his actions. I have never been mean to him at all. I have invited them all over to dinner countless times, I have talked with him, I have hung out with his friends just so that I could see my friend, I used to drive them everywhere before they got a car, I was the one that took my friend to see him in the beginning b/c she had no transportation to see him.... I have never done anything to him that he should hate me for. He doesn't like my personality (which is confident and independent and I don't take **** from anyone)... I am taking all of your advice though and just being there for a friend.

Answer 1

You can only continue to be supportive...she'd have to take the first steps to be strong and move on....

She has a great friend in you...be on standby for her and be ready to dive in anyway you can if it gets worse than now...

Answer 2

I am sorry to hear that you have been put in the middle of this. At least you realize that you are not the problem, only the excuse for his actions. This man prays on self esteem issues and weak women emotionally. I know you love your friend but she must be one of those people. This is also the reason that he cant stand you. You are a strong, independent person and he is threatened by you, either directly or indirectly (he might think you will succeed in getting your friend to leave him one day). I commend your ability to remain friends with this girl even in adverse conditions. Keep a close eye on this once the baby is born. You may end up needing to call CPS, which will release this future child from a lifetime of potential abuse, even if you lose a friend in the process. Honestly, which is more important? I know you will make the right decision because you seem to have a great head on your shoulders. Good luck to you.

Answer 3

There's not much you can do at this point. SHE has to want to get out. She is in a typical abusive relationship. He will continue to try to isolate her. Don't let that happen, she needs you! Do some research on programs that provide help in your area for abused women. Give her the information when he isn't around. Let her know that you are there for her any time day or night. She might leave, but usually it takes several times of leaving, getting back together, leaving, getting back together before she will finally have had enough.

If you witness abuse you can turn him in to the police for abuse. Although you should realize if you do that, she likely will take his side. She is brainwashed to believe she can't do any better and that he treats her better than she deserves.

She needs your friendship and any self esteem you can help her acquire. Don't give up on her!

Answer 4

If he continues to be abusive, she will be more aware of it when she is a mother.
She will want to protect her baby from the yelling and shouting. I'm pretty sure she would not want her husband shouting and yelling at a child.
Not only can you be there for her as a friend, you can also make it very clear to her that she can make it on her own. You will be her emotional support, which is what she needs, if she ever leaves him and has to make her way alone.
You could also encourage her to seek counseling with or without her husband to see if this situation can change, first. He's the father of her child. He will always be in her life and she in his - if he is responsible. It sounds like his problem is not handling responsibility, it's handling his anger.

Answer 5

just make sure your there for her, and that she understand that if things do get out of control you will help. Until she's ready to admit what's really going on there is nothing you can do. You can get a list of local agency's, and shelters in case she might need then suddenly, because he prob knows where you live, and would look for her there first. That puts you in danger also. Just try to not bring it up to her too much, because the more you push the more she's going to deny it all. She doesn't want to accept what's happening. Also remember that if you start calling the cops, or CPS if they find out it was you he will have a reason to get you away from her altogether. The cops won't do anything to him unless she presses charges. If you witness the abuse of the child make sure your careful in reporting, so that he doesn't retaliate against you.

Answer 6

call them police when u see the next incident try n get as much evidnece as u can like bruises and all that be4 u take any actions and thoes pplz who say walk away u would be crazy too if shes ur friend u would do anything to protect her and gettin her in a safe place is the best choice and get her into a shelter or something cause some women in these situations thinks theres no hope and the only hope she relies on is you cause u are the one she calls and i am sure she would want you to help her any way she can from the moster of a bf she has ,,,, tell her encourage her theres help out there and she can get out cause in da end if she doesnt she will be the next victim who could have got out when it was to late so protect her from her abuse and tell someone like a shelter perfessional coucillor cause if she were my friend i would protect her anyway i can ... hope u get the help u and ur friend so desperatly need..

Answer 7

This is a terrible situation! I feel for you and your friend, but given the level of abuse and violence, someone has to take responsibility for the child. Even as yet unborn, it has rights, and deserves to be protected.

I am sorry but if your friend is unable to help herself or the child, you must, for the sake of the child. It is just not an option to turn away! If it was only two adults, then yes just continue to provide support, but the new baby adds a new dimension.

I know it will not be easy and you will risk your friendship, but it will soon be child abuse too. And maybe, if social services get involved and force him out, this will be the route out for your friend too, as she will be put in a position where she has no option.

Good luck!

Answer 8

There is nothing you can do except pray that she sees the light. My mom was being abused by her husband for 3 years. I watched him pick her up and throw her across the room. He used to steal her checkbook and take her money to go buy drugs. I couldn't count on my fingers and toes how many times I begged her to leave. I stood up to him because I hated him and I wasn't scared of him. I wanted him to hit me because I wouldn't put up with it. I would have put him in jail in a heartbeat. It never happened. Finally, when he took her car and didn't come home for 2 weeks... she decided it was time to get out. I was so scared that she would go back to him but she has been away from him for almost 4 years now. She has to be the one to make the decision that she doesn't deserve to be in that kind of a situation. When she does, be there for her because she will need you. I hope everything works out. Good luck.

Answer 9

My advice to you is always stay her friend and try to help her in her problem . she s problem scared of him plus she wants to be with him as a family .Try to make her see there are other option in life besides being abused .her main problem is she thinks shes in love and she probably afraid to raise a child alone
are have low self esteem because of him. Just pray for her and try to show her different things to do without forcing it on her chances are she tells him every thing you guys say are do.
Try to make her realize she is more then that and she can get help with Friends and relative community centers she s not the first person to have these problems . Let her know you are there for her no matter what and she s has her whole life ahead her to look forward to and her baby . You don't want him to come between you friend ship with her because she needs you as a friend and support system. but she has to do it willing are she will do what every he says are believe him over you.

Answer 10

All you can do is continue to talk to her and be her friend.

She will constantly go into denial and as a friend you may have to point out the truth from time to time.

I really believe that a person in denial will become resentful if you try to do something. They are in denial and eventually will consider that you are making stuff up. Denial is a very strong thing.

Ultimately, SHE will have to "do something".

What to do if she is in physical danger? That's hard, but I guess you call the police. They will at least protect her and have no choice once they see a situation. She may hate you for that, but it may be ultimately the most loving thing you do for her. Be prepared for her to react against you if you do though. There's nothing you can do about that and my guess is she will thank you for it later....even if it's much later.

Answer 11

i've dealt with a lot of abused women and it's a tough situation. women who aren't ready to accept that they are being abused just can't see things logically. they make excuses, they cover up, they do everthing but do what they need to, which is to leave.

you can't do anything really except be supportive. the more you push her to leave, the less likely she will turn to you and be honest about what's going on. just keep an open eye, especially for the child. get contact numbers for local authorities and even a lawyer she could talk to in order to get a restraining order. there are many books about abused women, abused women syndrome, restraining orders. so educate yourself so when she is ready to talk, you can be there for her and help her. but for now, just be supportive and give her time because she needs to do this at her own pace and no one can make it go any faster.