Newlywed - husband does not want to have sex.?

Question

I've been with my husband for 6 years total. We've been married a year and a half. We do not have children, nor want any. Frankly, from the minute we got engaged (May of 2004), our sex life went in the toilet... it's been a struggle for 3 years to really have an active sex life.

Not to bore you with details but it's a mix of financial issues, relationship issues, family(in law) issues --- that have all brought this relationship to a standstill -- maybe in every way. We've had discussions on the topic, promises for things to change and they never change..

When my husband DOES want to have sex, it's only if he's drunk or have been drinking... I'm at the point now where I no longer give in to that -- and it's been 4 months since we've had sex. I checked his PDA and have found he's been surfing the web and looking at porn... When I do initiate sex - sober sex - i'm turned down, he says he's tired.

where do I go from here? therapy?

Answer 1

Yes, you could try therapy, and in all honesty I hope it helps, but it sounds like your marriege was over before it began. I think your husband commited to something he wasn't ready for, for what ever reasons he had at the time. It also sounds like your husband needs to go to AA. All the issues in the world, and especially not financial issues, will not make a man lose interest in his newlywed parter.

Answer 2

Stress and drinking can kill the libido.
Sounds like there are many issues in this marriage.
Consider going together to therapy.

This bit of information may be helpful in making a decision:
Years of research by psychologist have shown that most long-term marriages have some very common factors. Lack of any two or more of these factors indicates there is high probability the marriage will not last. (Long term –is defined as a marriage of more than 20 years)

1. Both parties married at age 25 or older.
2. Religious compatible (example: Jews + Hindu just do not work)
3. Common goals (someone likes a simple life, not chasing material wealth or career and some that is very goal minded for gaining as much material wealth as possible, together they do not make a lasting marriage. Another example, a conflict over having children).
4. Social economical compatible (poor + rich only works in the movies)
5. Financial responsible (debt is the number one cause of divorce)
6. Open Communications (agree that it is ok not to agree, tell each other your most hidden secrets, keeping the secrets from everyone, no name calling, and etc)
7. Both parties are very much alike (opposite may attract, but they do not make for a lasting marriage)
8. Sexual compatible (variety in sexual act + partner that finds some acts repulsive, does not make a lasting marriage.
9. Both individuals are not egoist. (a egoist believes that everyone would be happy by making them happy)

Answer 3

I can understand where your coming from. Am in a similar situation. Therapy could help but is there possibly a medical condition that is causing this? Find out what side effects on any medication either of you are taking. Take a weekend in town at a hotel and talk to no one and don't leave the room except for meals. I know this sounds easier than it really is. We have been through some tough times and are presently at our toughest, but just don't give up. It may not be easy but it is definitely worth it for the most important person in your world!

Answer 4

Ask yourself and him what the real issue is. Tell him you want and need honesty and that your will do nothing but listen.

And do just that. Listen to what he says. However it sounds like life has stressed this relationship. Therapy of a non confrontational manor would help bring out the issues I think.

But first off, simply tell him that your unhappy and that you would like to hear his side of the story and that you will say nothing while he tells you or for 48 hours after wards.

And then stick to your word. Listen and the mull through it. Tape record it so there is not twisting of words or misunderstandings.

There is a lot of unspoken issues at work here.

Answer 5

Honey, you say therapy and I say attorney. I had the same problem. Couldn't figure it out. Began thinking there was something wrong with me, and he let me think that, too. Horse's ***! Believe me, it is his problem. My experience was that the sex was great right up until the night we got married. After that, it was like he had taken a vow of celibacy. Well, he had not taken any such vow, it was just that he real preferences were so aberrant that he really didn't like the normal stuff at all. So run, don't walk. All the counseling in the world won't scratch the surface of what is going on with your husband, I'm afraid.

Answer 6

When I was a newlywed at 18, we used to spend the entire day making love, But anyway this is 10 years and second husband later....i dont think you are being selfish, but you should talk to him about how you are feeling.

Answer 7

maybe you guys just need to go on a romantic weekend somewhere to talk and rekindle those feelings back. All that stress at home with everything is not helping at all. And if no one wants to change then maybe it is time to end this marriage. But first you have to try and talk to him and see if he is willing to talk about everything. Communication is one of the main key in a relationship. If you guys can't even communicate then maybe you should end it. But again, see if he wants to go on a romantic weekend somewhere or even a romantic dinner and a walk at the beach or the park. Marriage is work and if he is not willing to then you will know how he really feels about this marriage. It is going to be hard but you guys just have to try.

Answer 8

I'm wondering if surfing for porn is easier to him than having to BE in a relationship and all that goes along with it. I really would suggest counseling. He could also have depression and not be willing to put forth much effort.

Answer 9

I think you should get some therapy! You have to find out what why he doesn't want you. Sounds like to me he is getting satisfied with porn and he has changed since you have been married. Definately need to get to the bottom of it.

Answer 10

I think you two could benefit from couples counseling, since you've already told you how you feel and he hasn't changed. If he won't go with you, going by yourself may give you some insight and strategies to use to deal with the situation. I hope everything works out.