unhappy marriage?

Question

I am 26 and I've been married for almost 4 years. My husband is a recovering addict with almost 1 year of sobriety. We have seperate bedrooms, never eat dinner together, and rarely spend time together. Our sex life is almost gone...I need intimacy and closeness...he says we just need a good f*#%. He knows I need much more, and is trying, but it all feels like too little too late. I am SO unhappy and this is nothing like my ideal marriage. I want someone to spend time with, cuddle with, sleep with, and share common interests with. We have none of these things. He says he loves me and can't imagine not being married to me...we are in counselling. We are both responsible for the way things are now, but I am struggling to put the effort in to make it better after years of being the only one trying while he was using drugs. I am looking for experience, advice, opinions etc...do I commit myself to fixing this, or will I always be unhappy and unsatisfied? Can he ever really meet my needs?

Answer 1

He will not be able to meet your needs until he realizes that he may lose you. You've told him what you want specifically. Marriage is that way some times. You put in more some times and other times he reciprocates. I hope that the counseling helps. There's no telling if he will change.

Answer 2

It sounds to me like you have had your mind made up long before counseling ever started.

Drug addiction destroys many things. It has destroyed what WAS your marriage. But no one has ever said that you could not rebuild. Sure it will be hard, but anything worth having is worth working for.

I do not know how long you have been in counseling, so it is hard to say whether or not it is time to call it quits. No one else can make that decision for you.

Sure, we all need that lovey dovey, touchy feely stuff every now and then. But, to expect it all the time is very unrealistic. If this relationship is destined to be rebuilt, then those things will all come back, in due time. You just have to be patient.

It seems that maybe he is having intimacy issues. This could be tied in with the drug use. After prolonged abuse, drugs tend to have a deep impact on sexual relations, intimacy and the like. Maybe you need to bring this up in the counseling sessions. I guess the question you need to answer is this: was he like this before? I mean, his behavior regarding sex? If so, then you can't assume that because he beat his addiction that he will be different now.

I would say that you are going to have t evaluate how much time you want to spend trying to repair the damage. This is definitely not done in a blink of an eye. These things take time, and both parties must be willing to cross all the bridges --together.

Good luck!

Answer 3

I don't think I understand the question. I have been married for 11 years. I can honestly say that we've alot of hard times that most people don't have and we've still managed to stay together. That being said. No marriage is happy 100% if the time and it should never be expected to be. Unhappy marriages can be from a number of reasons and if it's that unhappy then ask why they stay together and if it would be better to split. No one deserves to be unhappy

Answer 4

Who knows. My wife is 26 - we've been married for almost 4 years. I am a warm, loving husband, frequent unexpected gifts, NEVER miss a special day - flowers etc, no drugs, no smoking, no drinking, no women, no gambling, have a good job and try to give her everything I can. S0 - she got a BF almost a year ago and while we are still living in the same place - we are not together as man and wife. I am a LOT older and not an attractive man. What I am saying is that all this stuff that you talk about doesn't matter. If two people don't get along together - and don't want to be together - BOTH of them - then its a done deal.

Answer 5

I'm really sorry you're going through this. I went through a really rough time with my husband about 15 years ago. We'd worked on the relationship, off and on, before that but it never took. The problem was always that I was the only one trying. What finally changed for us was finding a counselor who utilized Harville Hendrix's book, Finding the Love You Need. My husband didn't bother to read it, but having someone he was accountable to every week did cause him to do the exercises outlined in the book. It talks about how we're all responding to our parental love and the needs that went unmet - it seems that we're all trying to fix those parts of our lives where our parents failed us. For me, it was feeling like my parents thought me intelligent and worthwhile. Once I could articulate those needs and my husband could start working towards healing me I felt more agreeable to working with his issues.

You're right that the sex part is important but it's only a symptom. If the sex isn't right it's not so important if everything else is going pretty well. But if the other stuff ain't working, then it's your first clue that something is wrong.

Life is too short to be miserable. If you feel that you have given it your best effort and that he's just not trying then I'd leave him.

Good luck!

Answer 6

So I assume you were aware he was an addict when you married him? This is the double edge sword of sobriety. People who only knew the personality of the drug persona often find a completely different person that they thought they married. This is especially true of alcoholics.
I'm sorry for your suffering. I believe you are no longer married to the same person you married, and if you don't like the man he is today, you'd be better off moving on through the pain of divorce....that pain will fade in time, but currently, there will be no end to your heartache and frustration. If he is now displaying his true self no longer the drugged out self, and it has not improved your lives, it's probably time to end the misery. The sooner the better. Ask him about these things and see what the response is. Breaking up is not "failure", it is facing reality and being willing to risk being alone for the sake of a more calm life experience. Unless of course you like the drama of "saving" him, trying to change him will not work. If it is only him that needs to change, only he can do it. The same goes for us all. I wish you peace.

Answer 7

Well, firstly, I don't know if he can ever meet your needs. It would depend on a few things: Does he know your needs? Have you really communicated them clearly? And, how capable and interested is he in meeting them? Are your needs realistic? Have you told him, step by step, how he can come closer to you?

Your marriage does not sound ideal, nor does it sound like it will be easy to go on with. I can understand you're feeling 'over it' after putting in so much energy and support while he sorted himself out. THAT SAID, is there any love left? Even if there is just a glimmer (like if some things were different, would you be interested in making it work again?) then I say keep at it, give it another chance.

He's sober now, you're going to counselling. Give the counselling some time, keep your heart open, and maybe things will work out. I'd give yourself a timeframe... like in a year, if nothing's changed, you're still not getting any intimacy, etc., then it's time to move on.

Good luck!

Answer 8

I am on my third marriage so I think I know a think or two about what to do when things aren't working out. Marriage is like an investment that you have suck all of your money into. You want it to do well and you don't want to give up on it just in case it will bounce back. The truth is we are on a time line and we aren't getting any younger. A good friend who is also a divorcee said you only have one life and you need to make the most of it. If you aren't happy and the other person is not putting in the effort then I would say its time to move on. Of course its going to hurt like hell. Its supposed to, but I know that once you find that person you've been looking for, its going to be all worth it. One day you'll look back and realize that leaving was the right thing to do. Or one day you'll look back at your life and just validate that you knew you would be happy staying in your situation... Please don't take my comments as just giving up or moving on to something more easy... It sounds like you've really tried and if it is just not working then its time to save what you can,,,, I wish you the best of luck,,,, the third time for me has been a charm and I'm more happy than I've ever been... I look back at my last two marriages and saw that all I did was try too hard when the other person didn't want to,,,, good luck!

Answer 9

You can change but it takes time and effort. It starts with respect. Although he hasn't exactly earned it, as long as he's willing to make the commitment to do what it takes, try to start all over in the respect department. That alone will make for a big improvement. If you treat one another with respect the rest should follow. Sometimes its a good thing to remind yourself of the good in your spouse. What if he died? Can you imagine how you'd really feel? If you feel some sorrow from that thought, all is not lost. You don't need counseling really. In my own opinion, that could be more damaging. If you guys had God in your lives (I'm not pushing) that would save your marriage no doubt.

Answer 10

Just for awhile, imagine taking him out of the picture. Then think about where you want to be In 5 years. Do you want to have a career? Do you want kids? Do you want to travel somewhere, or do you have a house with a white picket fence? It's fantasy time. OK, now you have some fantasy ideas of what you think might make you happy. Put him back in the picture. Are any of the things that you want possible if you're still married to him? Or in 5 years will you be writing to Yahoo Answers because you're in your 30s, have been married to this guy for 9-years and you're still unhappy.

Answer 11

Your relationship sounds like the one my wife just ended. We are the same age as you and have been married for about the same amount of time. With the exception that neither of us are recovering addicts, your relationship sounds exactly like ours did. I know my marriage failed, and it was both of our faults, I know we weren't happy. If I could do it all over again and start from the beginning I would.... The sad reality of it all is that I can't. What's done is done. You can't take back your actions or words. Those things will always be in the relationship, no matter how much people say they will change. You can't change the past, only the future. People are who they are and they don't change either. Time won't change things. We don't know what we had until it's gone, but by then it is usually too late. Three things a marriage must have are communication, trust and love. You must have all three for it to work. If you are missing one, it won't no matter how long you stick it out. You will never be happy. As much as it pains me, going through the same thing right now, I think it is time for you to split. It is the only way to open his eyes to what he will be missing. My guess is he will want to be with you and will want to work things out. It will be up to you at this point to decide if it's worth it. I miss my wife like crazy, and can't imagine how my life is going to be without her, but I have no choice. I am on the opposite side of the relationship like you are describing. All I can say is that now I know what I am missing. I wish you all of the luck in the world, the best advice of all I can give you is to listen to your heart, feel what it feels, and let love help you with your decision.