I care very much for my husband of 23 years but am questioning my feelings for him. We split up 6 years ago for around 2 years but got back together and hoped it would work. I have since found out that while we were apart he had an 18 month relationship with someone else but, he didnt tell me, i found out myself. I thought it would be fine and we could work things out but, 4 years on, i still feel terribly betrayed. He has covered up so much information that i dont feel i can trust him anymore. Also, our sex life is virtually non-existant and when i ask him why, he says its not important to him and not a problem. I have told him i feel its vital to have intimacy in a relationship - its very important to me - but he said i am making a big issue out of it. I just feel that any love i did feel is just draining away. I know i'm not unattractive - i am a barmaid in a very busy club and get lots of attention! - but the one person i want it from dismisses me. Please help save my marriage.
2007-06-08 12:24:43 · 23 answers · asked by ijustwantinnerpeace 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
If you stay, you will be stuck in a love and sexless marriage with a cheater. If you go, you can find a man who you can love and make a fresh start. I would go with the second option.
2007-06-08 12:29:01 · answer #1 · answered by treasuredwife69 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If you were separated for 2 years then why are you surprised that he had another relationship? I think the one positive thing is that he didn't sleep around with alot of people. It sounds like he likes a monogomas relationship. That being said, it sounds like he's too lazy to work at this relationship. He's just happy having you in his life everyday. Sex is a really big issue in a relationship. You want it and he doesn't. That is a major problem. He doesn't see it because he doesn't care.
I would suggest counseling first. If it works that would solve your problem, but if it doesn't then you need to realize that life is really short....I mean really short....so do you want to spend the rest of it totally frustrated?
You're not a teen-ager, you know that you're heart isn't going to be broken and life as you know it is over. Sometimes people just grow apart, whether it's friends, family or spouses. This may be the case. You can truly care about him, but you need a life that you can enjoy.
It's time to make a decision, because when you blink, you could be 70 tomorrow and wonder what happened? Life is much better with love in it.
2007-06-08 12:46:18 · answer #2 · answered by LAL 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have to decide if you are able to forgive him for having the relationship and for not telling you about it. You then have to decide if you are able to trust him. Without trust and respect, there is no love. Counseling can help with this. Does he know that you know about the relationship? It sounds like you found out about it elsewhere. Perhaps he feels so far removed from it that it isn't an issue in his mind. That doesn't change the fact that it is hurting you and your marriage. Eventually, you will have to communicate with him about it and decide if you can move on from it. Even if you try counseling solo first, it is worth a shot. It sounds like you really do love him. About the sex issue...you say you have been married about 23 years? Perhaps his libido is not what it used to be. Perhaps he has dysfunction he doesn't want to think about, so it is easier this way. Those are things you need to get out in the open.
2007-06-08 16:38:21 · answer #3 · answered by Jann Landers 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am not clear why you say "without love." What is missing. That relationship he had while separated is a non-issue, you make it one. You say you don't trust - why? You equate sex with intimacy - not the same things at all. What is missing in your life? That is what you should be asking yourself. Often times when one is not content with their own existence they look outside and place blame on the first thing available - your marriage. Equating attention of bar patrons to your husband's is not fair. You say he dismisses you. What he is doing is not contributing to topics that are non-issues in his view. This is not a dismissal - this is smart. He can not win on those anyway.
23 years is a long time. Do not toss this relationship away on matters that don't matter. Stop nagging and get yourself focused on something you enjoy just for you. Life gets exciting when you get excited. So seek your own excitement and leave him alone.
2007-06-08 12:56:20 · answer #4 · answered by Healthy Lifestyle Geek 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Did you really need to ask this question? You have the answers within yourself, if something is important to you he should at least take into consideration your feelings..if you can't trust him i dont blame you he's lied and you had to find out on your own, and then a good woman like you what made you two get back together...? Its obvious he doesnt care by the comments he makes..I suggest you do things for yourself and thats getting your self esteem in check, then make the necessary changes you need in life...Good Luck
2007-06-08 12:59:41 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Are you sure the relationship ever ended with the other person?...men don't usually stay happy without sex for long! I know it might be a tough one but you really need to find out,especially if he has been dishonest in the past.Perhaps you got back together for the wrong reasons and would be happier apart.....sometimes caring for someone doesn't mean you should stay with them.It is also difficult in a long term relationship to understand how we really feel but look at the situation and be brutally honest with yourself...then you will find the answer you are looking for.
2007-06-08 12:34:14 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
If you are not happy in your marriage then you will have to be true to your self and do some thing about it, ask your self is this the way you want to spend the rest of your life, i know that 23 years is a lot of time to spend with some one but if you feel that you have given all you can to this marriage then it just might be time to call it a day..........
2007-06-11 07:32:27 · answer #7 · answered by Granny 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think counseling for YOU is the way to go before marriage counseling. Your marriage sounds more like companionship and my guess is it isn't much of that either. It sounds to me like this union has had its time and now is dying. The question is do you want to rip the band-aid off and start to heal the wound or do you want to drag it out in a lifetime that as we know only goes once around. If you are not willing to go to counseling then try the self-help section at the book store. Please listen to the guide that is your voice inside and take great care of you.
2007-06-08 12:42:28 · answer #8 · answered by BinkBink 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Have ya'll tried counseling? If he's not willing to go, go for your own sake & move on w/o him in your life. Intimacy is an important part of a marriage---him not wanting to be intimate w/ you sounds like he is still cheating. Also if you can't trust him & your needs aren't being met, why stay w/ him.
2007-06-08 12:33:11 · answer #9 · answered by txmama423 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You say he had a relationship, but did you? Sounds like the relationship may of not ended. Get marriage counseling. If he doesn't agree, get out. You are just a convience to him. After you got back together things should of been better than before you seperated, doesn't sound like it.
2007-06-08 16:22:58 · answer #10 · answered by Bettie J N 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋