Shaman
on a trip I took one time, I never left the house,
tiny little charachters, the only sign of life,
took one hit, then one more, then I lost the count,
colors tasted beautifully, I felt so damned alive.
Trying to remember, what it was I meant to do,
in my mind, all sense of time, like a Dali painting,
little people everywhere, saying to surrender,
I left them in a cloud of dust, ran just like a cheetah.
In man made time, everything seems like polarization,
meant to seperate us from lifes little tiny triumphs,
broken hearts, starts and stops, all hate will be denied,
corporate people from L.A. sent to check reaction.
By the time, I wind this down, back to bleak decadence,
you might well ask yourself, was this worth the effort,
anytime I touch a pen, another legacy invented,
still I wonder to myself, was this mental masturbation.
2007-06-08 10:17:45 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
I love the last stanza Annabelle. I thnk it's perfect.
2007-06-08 11:59:23 · update #1
Hey..."Penfold" liked it! And that's REEEAALLY saying something!!! She's one tough audience!!!!
So...great job with the format change...whoever suggested it must be a genius!!
Seriously...this one was great!
5 out of 5!
Write On bro!
Aaron
2007-06-08 12:26:42 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
On the light side! I couldn't help but laugh at the end of it.
I like where it took me at the beginning of the poem. I think the best advice I'd give for you, from what I've read so far, is to try to control the reader's breath better. The rhythm is dictated by comas a lot - although it could be lauded as a Middle English poetry classical mid-line caesura, I think that you could gain by playing on the words and how they are read. To this extent I like the explosiveness of "back to bleak decadence", and think this is worth exploring to add another dimension of "ohhh goodness" to your excellent poems.
Thanks for sharing.
PS. I don't think poems need to rhyme. Unless you're creating a nursery rhyme. :-p
2007-06-08 10:28:47 · answer #2 · answered by Eclipse owned 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
this is a superb poem! i attempt to under no circumstances choose human beings, for I under no circumstances comprehend what type Our Lord might p.c.. to pass to me it right this moment. He may be that stinky stranger without tooth begging via the shop, those the others stare at and spit upon that basically desires a cup of coffee and a few thing to devour. I feed him, and get clean socks. I under no circumstances say something a pair of persons scent, they may be ill and it must be out of their administration. My son has a handicap and individuals in many situations factor and stare, some have been in many situations rude and can snort and say issues like oh my gosh what's incorrect with it? i might say, "this is slightly boy with Trisomy 21 and a heart circumstances and PPH. what's your undertaking, i will ask the Lord to bless you." and walk away. My buddy had a son born with a double bi-lateral cleft plate and that became even worse the way human beings stared while he became slightly one, nonetheless so in specific situations, yet he's super approximately it! the best e book says choose no longer lest ye be judged additionally. I in specific situations think of we are the main severe upon ourselves. BTW: who did write it?
2016-12-18 18:24:54 · answer #3 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Steve you are sort of an add on that comes with Y/A. I always have a look at your stuff and never like it. This is the first one I have seen that I like. I think I was traumatized to all that William Blakey stuff as a result of having to copy it out as punishment at school.
2007-06-08 10:49:19 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think Annabella has a valid point. Why should the measure of things leave the poem itself? I mean, there are plenty of people who will assess it as mental masturbation, but not so many brave souls who will make space for such things.
2007-06-08 13:53:58 · answer #5 · answered by the Boss 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The last stanza was the icing on the cake. This was excellent.
2007-06-08 12:56:09 · answer #6 · answered by ace 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
At last! I think I prefer blasphemy to convention. Although I am not too convinced by your last stanza, maybe because you seem to apologize for your own writing. Please don't.
Edit: if you think it's perfect, then it's not for me to judge.
2007-06-08 11:24:58 · answer #7 · answered by Lady Annabella-VInylist 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Wow, sw33t work here but, for some reason I kept hearing "Hendrix" play LOL A unique one indeed, all your own......
2007-06-09 07:16:27 · answer #8 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have a way with words! It's very moving. Even though it doesn't rhyme, it is still is rhythmic.
2007-06-08 10:56:18 · answer #9 · answered by ~aShLeY~ 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
"was this mental masturbation."
YES. I like "back to bleak decadence," however -- a lovely (if onanistic) turn of phrase.
2007-06-08 12:23:50 · answer #10 · answered by Drew 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋