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Question

My sister Emily and I had anticipated summer vacation for a long time. Now that it was finally here, all the tiny pleasures of television and sleeping late had gone. Now that this had become part of our regular routine, everything seemed boring.
The afternoon sun was especially hot today, making me feel as if I were living in a desert rather than Louisiana.

Of course I can't give you all of it. I realize this is probebly boring to you but all I ask is that you tell me if you like my wording. Tell me if I give enough detail and if you have any way to makeit sound better please tell me. thank you!

[contiued!!!!!!!!!}


The soft hiss of sprinklers in the neighbor’s yard made me wish I could go swimming.
Sadly, it seemed that not even the animals could escape the heat. Not one bird took flight that day. Instead they chose to stay in the shade of the oak trees that our yard had been deprived of.

[I ADDED MORE!!!! PLEASE READ!!!!!!]

The only disturbance in the air was the occasional breeze that drifted through the open window. Our air conditioner was broken, leaving the air in the house the same as outside.

Answer 1

It's a nice little intro.

The only thing I have a problem with is the reference to Louisiana... As a New Orleans native, I know the difference between Louisiana heat and desert heat is major. Desert heat is dry heat. Louisiana heat is humid, heavy and oppressive. The air holds weight. A more accurate simile, in my opinion, would be comparing it to a tropical rain forest.

EDIT: Also, you hear of people coming to Louisiana (or anywhere in the "deep" south) from higher altitudes having problems breathing. It's because the air is much thicker down here. It's harder to move in and out of the lungs than dry mountain air.

=)

Answer 2

You need to learn how to write without using the passive tense. All the "hads" drive me nuts! No matter what the previous posters told you, it is not worded well.

Here is a lesson from an author - taught to me by a very well known editor. Once you learn it, you will never forget it and it will make you a better writer. The lesson is free. Many kids have to go to college to learn this.

Let's look at your first sentence.

My sister Emily and I had anticipated summer vacation for a long time.

OK now let's fix it by changing one word.

My sister Emily and I anticipated summer vacation for a long time.

See how much stronger the sentence is?

The same for the second sentence.

Now that it was finally here, all the tiny pleasures of television and sleeping late had gone.

Two changes in that one.

Now it was finally here, and all the tiny pleasures of television and sleeping late were gone.

There we took out the "that" which was unnecessary and added an "and" to bridge the two phrases.

Already we have made your opening sentences so much stronger.

You must realize that very often, all the time you are going to get with an editor or publisher is two or three minutes. If the first couple sentences are badly written, your work feeds the paper shredder and you get a rejection letter.

Read the book The First Five Pages. You must make an impression and make it fast. If you dont catch the reader's attention immediately, you have lost.

Go through your work. Take out all the "hads" and "thats" that you dont need. Bridge your phrases with stronger connections like "and".

These are key points to better writing. Also, work on your spelling and read a little about syntax.

Even though you are young, you are not too young to learn how to write a proper sentence. Learning young can only help you in the long run. Good luck. Pax - C

Answer 3

When you say, "All the tiny pleasures of television and sleeping late had gone", do you mean that you started to do it too much and that it started to become a bore? Be a little bit more specific.

The ending is great! Keep up the good work. If the rest of your story is as good as your ending, it will be a hit in no time.

Answer 4

I recommend being more specific. Louisiana is ok, but it would be better, and give the reader more information, if you said 'where' in Louisiana the setting is. Is it Lake Charles? New Orleans? Baton Rouge? If you can, narrow it even further to a district, neighborhood, or section. That puts the reader right there with you.

Another unsolicited piece of advice: be careful if you choose New Orleans. There's plenty written about The Big Easy, and it is used as a setting for many a story. Besides, you have Anne Rice to compete with, since she lives there.

Answer 5

Pretty good.
I have not problem with the line about "tiny pleasures." It's clear to me that they weren't much fun and now they were boring...

Avoid declaring things like "Sadly." Better to show the sadness instead of telling about it.

And I try to not use words like seem or seemed. Just say it the words without the qualifier.

But it's a nice descriptive start.

Answer 6

I think it's worded really well, but I didn't get the part where it said "all the tiny pleasures of television and sleeping late had gone." Otherwise I think you've done a really good job!
Keep up the good work!
:0)

Answer 7

when you say "all the tiny pleasures of television and sleeping late had gone." it doesn't make very much scence to me...

when you say "me feel as if I were living in a desert rather than Louisiana. " say " making me feel as if i were living in a dry desert, rather then louisiana." in other word add adjectives... and it will seem more interesting, and you will let the reader(s) picture something more like what you see when you write this.

Answer 8

It's really good. I do like the wording that you put in it. Keeping working on it!! :)