**Mature Answers Only** How can I come to terms with my signicant other's continued friendship with his Ex?

Question

How do I better accept and deal with my fiance's relationship/friendship with and loyalty to his ex-gf from HS. She never left their hometown, and when he entered the military she turned down his invitations for her to join him many times. They have both since been married, had children, and divorced. The last time they actively attempted reuniting was approx 5 yrs ago (while my man was technically still married). He and I have been together for three years. I understand they have a long history (20 years)and will always care for one another, and mentally accept that. How can I stop feeling threatened and hurt by having to share his loyalty? He's visiting her right now and as much as I want to be OK with it, my heart is broken. I get angry hearing him talk about her and her child. He gets very defensive when I try to talk to him about it. I logically have no problem with their friendship, and understand he'll always be there to help her out if she needs him, but I feel betrayed!! Help!

Answer 1

Asking him to end a twenty year relationship is just not sensible. I have a friend whom I tried dating at one point in the 15 plus years that we've known each other and it didn't work out, but we care about each other and always will. I couldn't give up that friendship and would be mortified if someone suggested I should. So I think I see your boyfriend's side a bit easier than I see yours.

Since you can look at this logically and you know he cares for you, I think you really need to work at getting to the root of the problem. What, specifically, is it that's driving your feelings of jealousy and betrayal. Likely it's a feeling of insecurity.

I don't mean this as a put down, but an honest suggestion. Please consider meeting with a therapist. It will take a while, but a competent therapist can help you figure out the cause of the negative feelings you're experiencing. The sooner you go, the sooner you can work through all this. And who knows, in the end you may decide you want to be friends with his ex. Hey, it's possible!

Good luck to you!

Answer 2

Sorry to say, but I think you need to end this relationship and move on. Its one thing to have a continued friendship..
it is SOMETHING TOTALLY DIFFERENT to visit your ex without your current spouse. Have you ever met her or do you just hear about her all the time?

I recently read an article and while men and women CAN BE JUST FRIENDS there is a 5 out of 5 stars chance for that "platonic friendship" to turn into something ESPECIALLY if there is a past!!

I know this is not what you want to hear, but think of it this way..... how would he feel about you going home to visit your ex that you are "just friends" with?? Whats good for the goose is good for the gander, my dear.

Safe yourself the heartache later down the road and cut your loses before you invest more of yourself into an already doomed relationship.

Answer 3

You've got a point.

It is threatening to you and he should acknowledge that.

He is trying to have the cake and eat it.

Next time, go with him.
He won't like it and she won't either.
But it is a very good way to show them both that you accept his friendship with her, but he is YOUR man and you are a team together - where he goes, you go.

Don't use the 'I feel threatened' angle. You might as well say you don't trust him.
Turn it around. Make it a loyalty thing. You like being with him. You miss him.
You are a team. Whereever he goes, you go. You don't want to be between their friendship, no way. But where your man goes, you go.
Bring the kid a present, too. Don't fight, don't interfere in their talking together.
It's awkward enough if you are simply there. If they realise you plan to go with your man, the visits will become less frequent - because you and her will never be friends.

Answer 4

Yeah, that is really hard. But you've got to try to find peace with it. Try to think of some things that prove that he's not interested in her romantically and then keep reminding yourself of them. One I can think of is that even though he's known her all those years did they ever try to get back together or was it always just friends? I am friends with my exboyfriend from when I was 17. There are always feelings but they kind of grow up from lusty love and turn into a confidante. Its an amazing thing to have a friend that you have known for that long. With me and my ex, I know I would NEVER go back to being his lover, its kind of like when you have an old sweater that you really really liked at the time, but now it just doesn't fit and wouldn't look right anyway. Relations are always redefining themselves so relax and try to recognize that. I think the best thing you can do is rather than put energy into being jealous and negativity with accussations (god that is so hard to hold back, I know.) why don't you try to "kill him with kindness." Put positive energy into your relationship and keep sweeping him off his feet, that way he won't feel like there is something lacking and make his ex look more appealling.

Good luck sweetie

Answer 5

I'm not sure I'd feel any different than you do if my man was still hanging out with his ex. It's one thing for them to "keep in touch," but another if he's visiting her. I wouldn't be cool with that. It doesn't sound like you'll ever be okay with this. I wouldn't exactly give him an ultimatum (cause those rarely work out well), but you can tell him how uncomfortable it makes you and ask that he stop visiting her w/out you). If he can't give her up, maybe you should rethink this relationship. It's sweet that he's "loyal" to her, but what about his loyalty to you??? You're the one he's with now, not her.

Answer 6

oh sweetie, I know exactly where you are coming from !!!!! I started living with my boyfriend about 6 yrs. ago. it started when he took me to meet his friend, didn't tell me it was one of his ex-girlfriends. I was very nice to her. he seemed to talk to her more than me though. then she started to stop by without calling because she would cut his hair. I could feel my blood boil as she stood between his legs and practical have her boobs in his face. I tried never to let my jealousy show. the final straw was when I was in the hospital for a week, he never came to see me, he even told me that she was down visiting. when I got home, there were all kinds of clues that told me that they slept together. he lied and said no. then other g/f's started showing up. I had to account for every second I was,
n't home, and God forbid I even look at another man. I finally had it & left. now he sees what he had and wants me back. HA ! no way !!! he had something good, & he blew it.

Answer 7

I had a similar problem, my boyfriend is still really close friend with one of his exs and talks about her all the time, at first I couldnt stand all this and just wanted to scream but I finally realized that I just needed to get to know her better. So I spent a little time with her and got to know her and find out that she had no interest in him (relationship wise) and that she was a really great person to hang around with. Now I dont worry about him being friends with her anymore.

Answer 8

Have you gotten to meet this woman yet? Perhaps you should talk to your fiance about getting the chance to meet her. That might relieve some of your anxiety if you actually get a chance to know her and talk to her. Who knows? You might actually like her and develop a friendship with her.

Answer 9

I believe the key lies in your use of "my man" as a description of your relationship. This indicates possession of him. He is not your man, he is his own man. You would probably not want him any other way. View him in that light and you may find that you have resolved many relationship problems at once.

Answer 10

try getting to know her and find out what made their friendship such a strong one. You may find a friends in her too