My husband won't listen. What should I do?

Question

The situation is complicated. My husband and I got married and had our first child last year--just after we started dating so we weren't ready for it. He also has two kids to whom he is *supposed* to be paying child support to. He is actually trying to get a job and it isn't his fault he lost his last one but he's pretty behind now. I'm confident he'll find work soon however, I'm not sure he'll keep his job long. He has a long history of quitting jobs.
The other issue is that he has 25,000 in student loans and only has a 2 year degree. He has tried continually to go back to school but fails all his classes. He barely managed to get his 2 year degree and had exactly a gpa of 2.0.
I have tried to explain to him that he should wait to go back to school and save up some money, as we have no money, lots of debt and are still living with my parents. He won't listen and says if he doesn't do it now, he never will. He doesn't function well and probably needs some medication that he won't

take. He is unable to hold a job and go to school at the same time. Because he has 3 kids, I think he should hold two jobs but that is hard on me, since he doesn't know how to drive at age 26. I can't tote him around all the time. He is learning but he is so distracted, I'm afraid to teach him. I won't let our son ride with him because I'm afraid he will get hurt. What should I do?

I am currently working a full time job but with no college education, and living an a rural area and with gas prices as they are, I can only find local work at a fast food place making minimum wage.

It is impossible for me to work a second job, since I have to drive him to his job when he finds one. Also, my parents DO watch my son while I work but they are older (late 50's) with health problems. I pay them 550/month for rent/food/childcare but with their health problems (heart issues, bad knees, deafness, arthritus) they need help.

Answer 1

It sounds like your husband might be suffering from depression. Unfortunately, a person with depression who is in denial about being depressed can be nearly impossible to get through to. He can only be helped if he wants to be helped! You can't make him learn to drive, you can't make him get another job, you can't make him want to do better in school...he has to want it himself if he really wants to succeed. It sounds like he starts things that he frequently can't finish - he might feel like he's a failure, and to top that off, he has the debt from it all to show for it.

Really, the only thing you can do is to support him. He needs to know that your worried and concerned, but that you are there for him. I understand it's a lot of burden to carry, but in all honestly, you married him and you had his child - I would imagine you're in this for the long haul. If it gets to a point where no progress is being made, make ultimatums - like if you don't get help (i.e. see a doctor), I'm leaving. AND FOLLOW THROUGH.

I'm sorry you're going through this. My husband suffers from severe depression, and it's not always easy for him OR me! But you CAN live and work through it...

Answer 2

It sounds like you have more than just one problem. And I agree that it is complicated. Are you working? Whether it's an option you want to hear or not, it is an option. You can't rely souly on your husband if you can do something about it. He sounds like he exhibiting some of the traits of autism. Try finding a job that he is interested in, as that would probably give him more motive to stick with it. See if your city or town has transportation for people that cannot drive or don't have a car. My city has some, but not a lot. Or maybe he could find a job working from home. Going to school right now really doesn't sound like a very good idea. Check and see if you have low income apartments where you live. Having to pay his own bills may also give him an incentive to stick with his job. Do what *you* can to help, even if it means you have to be the one to work 2 jobs. If your husband cannot be responsible for you and your child, then it's time for you to step up. Marriage is a partnership, so it takes 2 to make it work.

Answer 3

Your husband is right, when he says that if he won't try to study now he probably, would never try again. Time is going on and he feels that he is a 26 year old man, with lots of responsibilities for kids and his wife and personal problems, which are important for his future and the ability to earn a good amount of money.
Each and every man feels insecure if he can't get what he wants, it may hurt him and even make himself sick - not only mentaly, but physically.
You should be more initiative. You have all the same responsibilities for your kid and for your husband, you must support him and yourself for time being. You are staying in the parents house, so there are grandparents to look after your kid. You and your husband should both work hard to solve the problems and manage your future life.

Restrict yourself to put aside more money, try to avoid buying things that are unnessesary (for instance, if you are smoking - quit, if you are fond of coffee - reduce the intake or even stop drinking it and so on). Any person can find something less necessary for himself. You may sit and note down things which you can stop buying, or reduce the quantity. The same thing your husband should do.
As for the education, so use the internet to learn new things, or join communities where other people will be able to explain you things you don't know or confused. Your husband can start posting questions even in Yahoo!Answers, in the section of education and homework help. Make a plan to learn this and that by this time and follow it, study every day. Plan your day.

You can solve your questions and problems only if you plan all the things correctly and carefully. Don't stress yourself and flow slowly, never panic. Everything can be solved, if you are strong mentally to face the problem!
Plan each and every day of yours, including weekends and holidays.

Best of luck to you and your family!

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Answer 4

You were right about it being complicated.. There really isn't an easy answer for you. I understand that you want to save your marriage, especially when you both have a child together.. but.. you need to understand that if he doesn't get help for his underlying condition, he will do more damage to you and your child than he is worth.
Try to get him in to see a doctor. If this falls through, you really don't have a lot of options. You can stay with him, knowing that he will never change and that the man in front of you is the man you will grow old with. .. or, you can leave him. More than likely, you will not get child support from him. You will, however, have a second chance to choose a man with a little dignity who will be a role model for your child and a supporter for the family. Best of luck :o)

Answer 5

I quit my higher education and got a job so my fiance (now wife) could afford to finish her degree.

I never did finish my degree, but 7 years later I went back and took a 2 year program in the field I was working in - at that time my wife was established in her job and doing well and we had our debts under control and could afford for me to go back to school.

I was very serious about my classes and was the valedictorian of my program with high honors.

Not saying your situation is the same, but if he's not making the grades he needs to re-assess his strategy.

Answer 6

And what was it about this guy that you wanted to marry him? He can't hold a job, can't get a degree, can't pay child support, can't provide a roof for himself, you and the baby. Just what do you need him for? Wake up his first wife divorced him and now you can see why. This guy needs a wake up call. Tell him to get out and when he secures a job, has a place to live for all of you that is suitable and has his act together to give you a ring. Why would you have him free load off of you and your parents?

Answer 7

You married an irresponsible little kid. I can't imagine any way this situation will improve until your husband grows up, gets and stays employed, starts taking care of his (too many) kids and figures out how to budget money. The best thing you can do for yourself is get away from him; I can't see any way that he is improving your life any.

Answer 8

He is very immature. He needs to grow up and figure out how to straighten up this mess he has gotten himself into. I suggest you take a break from him. Think about how all this stress is affecting you and your son. You don't need this nonsense. Maybe he needs to stay with his own Momma and Daddy.

Answer 9

beat him over the head with a frying pan...no really use a cast iron skillet, put him out of his misery. You've got one child to take care of who really needs you....do you really need a grown up child who should be taking care of his own?

Answer 10

CONGRATULATIONS! You married an idiot!