Marital/Mother Problems?

Question

I have been married 7 years now. My husband and I have had some pretty rocky times in our relationship. Mostly just bad arguments. He is not physically abusive but calls me the most horrible names when he is very angry. Please understand that he is always that way and not just to me. My mother has basically given me the choice of leaving him or losing her because she hates him. We have three children together and he is really good to them. He does yell at them alot when they are misbehaving. I also do this though and can't hold it against him. We have talked about it and decided to try and improve our patience and not fly off the handle so quickly. I don't want to break up my marriage but I also don't want to lose my mother over this. She is even threatening to move several states away because she says she cannot bear to watch the way he treats me and the kids. I know he can get rather noisy but he has never physically hurt anyone. It's just his way of blowing off steam.

He does have anger management issues. He has a very stressful job also though and I feel that is part of the problem. We never get out and I know I get stressed. I have not been out of my house except to run errands for over two years. Two years ago we went camping for a weekend for our 5th anniversary and we had a great time. He and I were like totally different people. This is the reason I feel it could just be pent up stress. I do talk to my mom more than I should I guess but she has witnessed a few of our fights so it is not all caused by my talking to her.

Answer 1

Well my heart bleeds for you,I was in a similar situation,and it is very hard to leave anyone you really love but there are a lot of bad situations here that you have to look at ,1..Always put your children first,Even though your husband doesn`t hit you,verbal abuse has a longer lasting affect on you,it demoralises you it makes you feel like your no good plus many other things,plus even though your kids seem alright now ,arguing in front or around them will affect them in many ways ,self esteem issues, relationship problems etc,Children have enough to deal with being kids anyway,2...Your husband,do you think he` going to change?Really,it`s hard for people to change without professional help 3..You need to find out if you mother is willing to sit down with the both of and really talk about what`s going on and how upset you are about the situation.....But if your mother is like mine there was no way she would ever have anything to do with my man,so I did this I actually stayed with my man, my mum moved away,and didn`t talk to me for over 6mths,but i just kept going to see her she gave in in the end,but she never talked to the man ever but i learnt to cope with that ok.but mostly you have to make sure your happy with the situation or your going to suffer ,i mean you health and sanity really,and be sure that you and your husband get help together,so you don`t argue in front of the kids,believe me if your husband really loves you and the kids he will go with you,I really hope things go well for you,Always look after yourself , otherwise you can`t function properly and then everything falls to pieces,Remember A women`s work is never done :) Goodluck...
P.S..If your husband has to blow off steam get a punching bag,He`ll let off steam and get tired ,you can`t lose lol :)

Answer 2

I think you are asking the wrong question. Your life is your life and you really can't please some parents no matter what you do.

Your concern should be your kids. Not deciding that this life is good enough for them but deciding to try and make it better.

You and your husband need to go to parenting classes. You need to figure out better and more effective ways to discipline and find out what there actions really mean.

My 2 1/2 yr old throws everything hard at the TV and walls when he wants his fathers attention and Daddy is watching TV. It took me a week or so to figure out why he was doing it but since I did and explained it to Daddy he now plays with him for 10 -15 minutes more and he doesn't throw stuff around any more.

Children don't just misbehave, there is a reason for everything and they don't always know why they are doing it.

If you tell you mother that you have decided to try and better your family I am pretty sure that she will say "if I don't see a change in 3/6 months that will be it" or something like that.

Good luck!

Answer 3

While I can understand that he is "blowing off steam" you need to realize that what is happening is abuse. Just because you aren't sporting a black eye, it is abuse none the less. He has no right to spout off at you and the kids. I think that he needs to see a counselor. He needs to find something that is of interest to him and use that to blow off steam--hit a punching bag, work out, jog, something that utilizes the adrenaline, hell he could even meditate if that is what calms him. Find out what is the cause of the stress--job? kids? bills? money problems? other family members? Get to the bottom of the build up of steam. Go seek professional help.

Your mom loves you, and is very concerned for your well being, and I would be concerned if your family DIDN'T care. But they do. Seek some professional anger management, counseling or the like. Let your mom know that you understand her concern, and as it is also a concern for you, you are going to work on the marriage, and he is going to work on his temper, and abusive--verbal/mental/emotional abuse problems and that you would love it if she stayed to help support you and your family through it.

Through all of this just please remember, YOU and YOUR KIDS do not deserve the abuse--EVER for any reason!!!! There is never an "OK" time to abuse. DO NOT make excuses for him--if it looks like a duck and walks like a duck...IT'S A FU*KIN' DUCK. Get help, if he refuses--you need to go--because the abuse WILL escalate, and one day, the "letting off of steam" will be a slap in the face to you--or god forbid one of the kids!!! Good Luck and God Bless!!!

Answer 4

Verbal abuse is just as bad - perhaps even worse - than physical abuse. Do not take it lightly. When we live with someone, we tend to become more like them and the fact that u yell too could just be out of frustration. Seek counselling. Honestly, if my husband treated my mom badly, he wouldn't hear the end of it untill he at least recognised he had a problem and seeked counselling. That would be the least I could do.

Answer 5

Your mother needs to stay out of your relationship completely! Let her move, if that's what she wants to do, but don't allow her to blackmail you! It might actually help if she did move away, she'd enjoy the time she's able to spend with you, and would appreciate it more. You obviously love your husband, and want your marriage to work, so don't allow your mother to make you chose her or your husband. Let your mother know that you love her, but that you also love your husband, and refuse to choose one over the other. That way, your mother will be making her own choice. Be strong, and good luck!!!

Answer 6

Going to the gym is a way to blow off steam too.
I don't condone yelling slurs at loved ones, but its your choice to justify it.
Also your mother is out of line to give you an ultimatum. Though she may not like the way things are, its her duty as a mother to support your decision and be there if things should go wrong, without the "I told you so".

Answer 7

Well you have to understand where she is coming from you are your daughter and they are her grandkids.
But I am not sure how I would handle this. I think I would have to sit back and evaluate the whole situation.
You married the man of your life for a reason. However this is your mom.
I think you need to sit down and talk with your mom and explain to her. And you should not let your mom in on your relationship if you want this to work.
Best of Luck!

Answer 8

your mother needs to butt out. period. this is a marriage between you and your husband, not her. i am a mother, and could not imagine my little boy growing up and being treated badly, however, it sounds like he just has anger issues, not physically abusive problems. that can be worked on, and your marriage can be saved. you really need to express to her to stay out, and apparently she has heard you talk about your fights. maybe that needs to stop. the arguments are also between you and him, not her. basically, she hates him, based on things you have told her. you need to watch what you say, because again, it is none of her business

Answer 9

I can see why your mother would be concerned. I think you should tell your mother that you agree, he does seem to have anger and patience problems. If you're yelling at the kids too, I imagine these poor children get it from every angle.

Tell your mom that the two of you are going to go to anger management classes, and parenting classes. Then follow through.

Don't do it for your mother. Do it for your children.

Answer 10

YOU ARE MARRIED NOW. YOUR MOTHER COMES AFTER YOUR HUSBAND. DON'T DO ANYTHING BECAUSE OF HER OR YOU MIGHT REGRET IT LATER. YOU COULD BE IN A WORSE SITUATION. GOOD LUCK.