what to do when he crosses the line?

Question

My husband and I are separating, his decision. He has moved out of the family home, then moved back in, then moved out, then moved back in..this time aggresively telling me it is his house too. I know people will say that I shouldn't let him, but he is a short tempered person and recently manhandled me leaving brusing on my arms. I am seeing a solicitor today, but how do I stop him abusing me. Last night he called me fat and lard ****..even though I have lost over 2 stone and he has always said my weight was never an issue (Istruggled losing the baby pounds) I feel emotionally and mentally exhausted. Why wont he just go if he is this unhappy with me. Last night he took our son and started saying to him how awful I was, and that mammy had a mental problem. My son is only 2, but understands alot. What can I do?

Answer 1

oh Clare, the first thing you have to do is get an injunction against him, not to be nasty but to stop him from abusing you and your son, the wounds from the physical abuse will heal quickly, the wounds from mental abuse take a lot longer, both for you and your son. once he is away from you and you are both relatively safe you can calmly rationalize everything, you can sort out exactly what you want, probably more importantly your husband will have time to sort out what he wants, clearly if he is constantly moving in and out then he is confused as to what he wants. it is so hurtful, not just for a woman but also for us men to have put in the effort to lose weight and then have it thrown back at you, the name calling is done for effect, he wants to hurt and upset you, the only reason he has used your weight against you is because he knows how hard you tried to lose that weight, he knows it is your weak spot, therefore he will use it against you, don't let him see that it hurts you, try not to react, i know that he will then try to find something else but at least he will be giving you some respite. Clare, the first step has to be an injuction. take care and be safe, good luck.

Answer 2

Go now while the bruises are still visible. They'll be used as evidence later.

Show the bruises to your solicitor. He'll file for a restraining order as well as start the documentation for your divorce.

File an assult charge with the police from your solicitor's office. The solicitor will know exactly what to do. He'll likely send you to the doctor's office to document the abuse.

The police can have him removed before you get back.

Speaking of abuse.... Those comments about your weight are his way of verbally bullying you. He's managing to push your buttons. He is just hurting you in a way he'll know he's succeeding. Ditto his telling your son what an awful person you are. He's yanking your chain, mentally breaking you down.

He's a mean spirited coward. If he breaks your will, he's back in control of you again, isn't he?

Your two year old will recover just fine. He'll recover much faster when he's out of the toxic environment he's in at the moment.

Take your son to the solicitor's office with you, by the way. Your soon-to-be-ex-husband doesn't need to know anything more than you're headed to the market for milk.

Go now, dear. Your future is waiting for you.

Answer 3

Think about your son first, not you. If you felt confident on what was acceptable for you, you would have put a stop to this already. Which you haven't. So knowing that, put your son's interests first. You are allowing your son to see your husband physically and verbally abuse you. Is that acceptable to you? Do you want your son to be a ping pong ball while you and your husband duke it out? Step up to the plate and do whatever you have to to protect the well beaing of your son. Document the abuse!!!! Get the police involved if you have to. You cannot just sit around and wait for things to resolve themselves, yes you are a victim, but your son is also. Suck it up and do the right thing, no matter how hard it may seem. Show your son that you will protect him and keep him safe at all costs. You are his one and only mother. Good luck

Answer 4

I am sure the solicitor will give you the best advice, but whatever you do, do not move out of the house, he should move out and you MUST tell the solicitor that he has manhandled you this will help to get him out of the house and keep him out.

I moved out with my two kids late at night because my ex had become violent and I didn't report him to the police and left it too long to see a solicitor and he refused to move out and he ended up with the house and me and the kids lived with my parents in a two bedroom bungalow for 10 months.

Ex had to buy my share of house off me, but I wish I had reported him to police etc as I would still be in house until kids leave school if I had.

Answer 5

"an open forum for individuals ideals" Wrong. Whatever gave you that idea? Try asking people on their 5 or 6th account due to the wonderful 'open' ness of this forum. Give me a break, I have seen some of the most bigoted and small minded assaults on freedom of speech in here. Usually of the religious kind feeling a line is crossed when asked the most basic and simple of questions by a non believer.

Answer 6

sorry to hear about your problems claire. unfortunately it is such a common occurance.

Men like this are intrinsically inadequate and because of their own deepseated insecurities they have to reinforce their own sense of self importance.

Some might call such men bullies, but it is more than that he is a control freak, it is all about power and so he must dominate you physically and mentally.

It is almost certain he felt unloved and unappreciated by his mother as a child and you have become that mother figure for him and so his anger towards her is directed at you.

As long as everything is okay he was okay, but when he doesn't get what he wants the emotionally stunted child re-emerges with the adult equivalent of temper tantrums.

From a practical point of view, change the locks and refuse him entry into the house, but discuss it with your solicitor as I am sure you will and if necessary social services.

You can also report him to the police for common assault, but you must see your doctor if you have any kind of bruises, it will help if you have corroberating evidence. the police could charge him, or even just caution him, but by doing that they can order him to stay away from the house.

I hope this helps a little

Answer 7

He's plainly going through a lot of stress over your divorce, and like most men does not have emotional coping skills, and is using aggression/intimidation to try and control you. You need to calmly let him know that you won't stand for it and that he is only making things worse for himself.

The weight jibes are uncalled for, and probably not even a reflection of his reall attitude. He just wants to hurt you.

Your solicitor needs to know about him moving in and out - I'm pretty sure that once he's moved out, you have a right to keep him out.

He's plainly stepped over the line saying "mum's got a mental problem" to your child. You need to tell your solicitor about this, too.

This guy probably thinks he's a "real man", but he's a coward and a bully. Any man with some decency and self-respect would have moved out, atayed out and wouldn't be treating you like this. Take the b******d to the cleaners, love.

Answer 8

Sounds to me like your Hubby is the one with the mental problems..moving out and in several times is an obvious sign that he is under stress and See's bullying you has a release of his tension.

I know its difficult but don't take any notice of his name calling- turn the other cheek and ignore the jibes.. Your two year old may seem smart but his grasp of language wont be sufficient enough to cause harm during his development!.

You should talk to your solicitor who may advise you apply for a restraining order which will protect you!.

Answer 9

He's unstable, and near violent. His other plans are not working out. He was dumped. You should beware.
Change the locks, put drop bars across doors. Reinforce the easier windows. Put an ax handle near your bed, out of sight. Practice with it, at a martial arts school, or have a good time wearing out a heavy bag. Get competent with some kind of blunt instrument weapon.
Take out a personal ad to meet a Rugby player, and have the man, sorta hang around when hubby is expected.
Tape record every conversation you have with him, on the phone or face to face.
Have no contact with him in between. If the kid gets surgery , don't tell his dad, get my drift.
If worse comes to worse, get a crossbow, and get good with it. Aim low, tell him, 'you'll live'.
Leave town abruptly, and leave no clue to your wear abouts. Then get a small room, cross the street, find out who your friends really are. video is great stuff.

Answer 10

Sounds like you haven't lost anything with him leaving you. I think you should get some proper advice from human services etc about what to do, reling on a forum like this for advice could be dangerous, especially if he is violent and especially if a young child is involved. You should call a crisis line or lifeline etc. They should be able to at least give you contact points for others equiped to deal with what you need to do. You may have to get the law involved too.