Confused about divorce and friendship - raising a daughter..?

Question

Okay, I'm really getting confused about the upcoming divorce of mine. Note: My soon to be ex and I have a 3 year old daughter. Everyone says we should work together for her and eventually develop a friendship for her best interest... my confusion stems from the fact that if we could work together and be friends wouldn't we still be married? (In our case - he just blew up and tried to attack me then has constantly threatened me with our daughter since I left.)

I'm trying really hard to help - call every night so she can talk to him, meet him for dinner several times a week just so she can see him, meanwhile I'm gritting my teeth at the situation.. I truly love my daughter and want what is best for her - but don't understand why everyone expects us to be friends... I filed for divorce for a reason.

FYI - I never intended to have a child with him - once I was pregnant with my angel I tried to deal with him...

How can I be friends with someone who treats me like he does?

Answer 1

i agree with you 100%....you can't be friends with someone who treats you like dirt....people always have to but their two cents in about any situation going on....of course it would be great for a divorced couple to get along for the children..but like you said if you two could get along you wouldn't be going through this....it sounds like there have always been problems with the relationship....you taking this step in life to divorce him is a step in the right path...your doing something to make your daughters life better...im not saying he isn't a good father because you never stated he treated your daughter wrong...however if you her mother isn't happy sooner or later she would of caught on to that....so good for you for opening your eyes and not staying with the man just because you have a kid together..so many women now a days to that....your doing the right thing by not keeping her away from him...by doing that your making the situation better....as long as you dont listen to others your going to be fine....your doing everything right from my point of view....one comment i do have to make is.....about him threatening you if he continues to do so please take matters in your own hands and get the police involved make a police report or something..because right now its just threats but later those threats may come true...best of luck to you and your daughter and remember dont listen to others they dont fully know what your going through

Answer 2

You don't. Divorce is hard on the children, but I have many friends who have successfully reared their children without being "friends" with their exes. The truth is, if he treats you this way, it's not healthy for you or the child. The courts will work out a custody situation. But if this man threatened you and treats you poorly, there is no reason why you must spend time with him. In fact, I hope you don't. I also hope you bring that reason for divorce up in the child custody hearing because if he acts that way towards you, there is no telling how he might act (if not now then later on) towards your child. And although your friends may be telling you to work out your differences with your Ex for the sake of your daughter, if your health and happiness is at stake, it may not be the best thing to do. Hope this helps. Sorry for the stressful situation.

Answer 3

Ok people, she has been with this man for three years, so it is likely that they have been "separated" for longer than that. So, let's get past the "homewrecker comments". Even if he is still techniclly married, his isn't. both parties do not have to sign the divorce papers. When you see people signing the papers, that means they came to an agreement, and the divorce is not actually going to go to trial. If she will not sign the papers, go to court. Given that you two have been apart for this amount of time, the divorce will be granted. Since the child has been residing with the father for this time, likely that the father will be made primary in joint custody. Now, she will likely be ordered to pay child support as well. A visitation schedule will be set as well. You will have to allow her the visitation as it is stated in the order. If you do not, you will be in contempt of court for disobeying a judge's orders. If she does not show up for the set visitation, she can be as well, but you would haveto press the issue.

Answer 4

I understand and agree it is difficult to be friends with the ex. However, you have a child that needs and deserves the both of you. Sometimes we have to put aside our personal feelings and do what's best for the child. No, I'm not suggesting that you and he be together all the time by no means, but, dinner once or twice a week really might not be THAT bad. Always allow her to be a part of his life as this only hurts her in the end, as does her seeing/hearing you two fight. Most importantly, she needs to feel loved and wanted by you both.

Answer 5

You don't have to be personal friends like when you first married. Be friends to the extent that you two can be with her for her birthday. That way she has both parents with her. You may need to get along for when she starts to school and she has school activities. You can both attend and not be hostile to each other for her sake. What about Christmas? You could try to have some time together with her. this will give her a feeling of security and "everything is alright" with mom and dad because they get along. always leave a channel open for compromise so that your daughter won't be pulled between her mom and dad. Like I said before, you don't to have the same friendship you had before when you were married.

Answer 6

you don't have to be friends with someone who treats you like ****. if you don't went to have anything to do with him but you still went your daughter to see her father you can someone intervene like a friend, family member or even a social worker. they can set up place that they can go together so he can spend time with her like a park or something. you left him for a reason so why should you try and be friends. it just doesn't work. I Had this problem with my ex and I made him see her with a social worker there. they would go to the park the three of them and he got to spend time with her. and since mines was abusive it was nice to have someone from the law there to make sure he didn't hurt her. you need to do what's right for you and your daughter not what everyone else wants you to do. good luck.

Answer 7

I think what they mean is to be on friendly terms with your ex and to work together to raise your daughter. Your daughter isn't a part of your divorce. Your husband didn't divorce her he divorced you, you didn't divorce your daughter you divorced your husband. You STILL have a connection to one another through your child and in order to make HER adjustment as easy as possible you HAVE to work together. You need to be on the same page when it comes to discipline, if she's not allowed to do something in your home then she shouldn't be able to get away with it at her father's and visa versa. You should also be cordial at events your daughter is involved in, such as open house at school, school plays etc. You don't have to be best friends but keeping it amicable will make it easier on your daughter.

Answer 8

It's better not to be friends. Treat the raising of your daughter like a business arrangement.

Answer 9

no u shouldn't. but maybe your friends meant u still will be civilized and communicate politely. like friends do. i hate my ex husband's guts, he was abusive and controlling, he was controlling me even after i divorsed him and moved out and he beated my new man who is now my husband that he leaves me. so u can understand how much i hate him. i would never be friends with him, if opportunity arised i would kill him with my bare hands in an instant without thinking.but children need their father so i have to communicate with him in a civilized way. but it is only about business - arranging him to meet kids and for how long they will stay with him and stuff like this. no personal talk about our lives.of course if he threatens u i think u should notify the authorities. because if u need to be civilized u both need to be civilized, not only u.

Answer 10

It's hard to be friends with someone who has treated you so badly in the past. Believe me I know. I tried to be friends with my ex-husband (had to grit my teeth everytime he called to talk to the kids and came to visit with them), but it didn't work out.

However, I am still friends with his family (he has no legal rights to them anymore). His mom (my ex-mother-in-law) actually lives next door to me and my new husband and we get along great. She knows that I tried to be friends with him and that I eventually just gave up.

I can not be friends with him like everyone tried to get me to in the beginning, but I am civil to him if he ever calls (which is very rarely anymore).

Don't try to be friends with him for your child's sake if it makes your blood boil just try to be civil. You do not have to call him every night for her to talk to him. Let him make that call to her. If he really wants to talk to your daughter then he will call.

The dinner thing that you do...stop it. If he wants to see her then let him call and make the arrangements with you for him to spend time with her. Don't try so hard to be his friend since he did not treat you witht he respect that you deserved. Let him make the call to be a father to his daughter. Let him step up to the plate and be the man.

Good luck!