Living together for 2 years, how do I leave him?

Question

I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years, and we have been living together almost the whole time - but I think it's falling apart. I'm only 20, and he's 27, and while I never thought that would be an issue I think it's becoming one now.

I feel like I've missed out on his best years, and now he's simply not willing to try anymore. It annoys me because I still have so much I want to do, and I feel like he's already done it all without me, so I'm never going to get my chance.

We're living in a small 1 bed unit, and signed the lease until April next year. His dad has paid for and arranged a yacht in October for us for a week. I feel like I'm trapped.

I know he would be absolutely shattered if I left him, because I know he loves me, but he is always working (his own business) or playing sport (5/7 days), and so when he has spare time he wants to relax on his computer or in front of the tv - never with me. I feel like I deserve more.

Please help.

I do work full time myself, but I work 9-5 and that's it. Maybe it's a bad attitude towards work, and I guess it shows that he cares more about his work since it is basically his life too... but if he loved me, he'd make time for me right? I also go out with friends and see my family a lot, so it's not like I exist only to be with him!

He finally had some spare time tonight, but he's going to an internet cafe with friends to link up and play games... totally geeky, when instead he could be with me! I just don't get it...

Thanks for all the answers so far, I'm going to stay at my parents place tonight to think about it all - maybe the time out will make him realise I'm unhappy and the thought of losing me will make him work harder at our relationship.

PS. I do love him. I just don't want to say it at the moment because I'm not totally sure...

Answer 1

You need to decide where you are going to live. When I left my live-in bf, I had already signed a new lease on an apartment with a friend - then I informed him that things were not working out and that I was leaving. He wasn't happy, of course, because he thought things were fine with us - what a laugh. He adjusted, however, and married the next gal he dated.

As for the lease, you can probably talk to the apartment manager and get your name removed from the lease. Unless, of course, you're keeping the apartment and then he can get his name removed. If you are both leaving, you'll have to consider subletting or give notice to the management. I don't know your laws on that so I can't answer further.

As for the yacht, I'm sure they'll manage to either get their money back or someone else will go.

You have to make your decisions based on what's best for you - all the rest is just details. If the details have too much weight, then maybe you're not sure you want to leave him.

Have you considered talking to him and letting him know how you feel? Not just hints, nudges, or whines... sit him down and talk... and listen. He might be thinking the same thing as you and doesn't know how to end it - or he might be shocked into putting more effort into making the relationship work. Be prepared to put more work into it yourself - relationships that work don't just happen, they're an ongoing process.

Oh, I didn't marry the next guy I dated... I waited a few years for the right guy to finally appear - and we've been happily married for 11 years now. Just to let you know that I have experience in both breaking up and staying together. :D

That's my two-cents worth - but I'm a complete stranger with no idea about the dynamics of your relationship. For all I know, you could just be a princess who isn't happy because her prince has interests other than her. For that matter, do you do anything other than exist for him? Do you have your own life? Do you go to school, work, go out with friends, have hobbies or activities that don't involve him? If you don't, that's probably the core of your problems right there.

Answer 2

You do deserve more. Is your name on the lease? His dad may be able to get his money back on the yacht in October, or he can just go with his dad, not your problem. The only problem I see is if your name is on the lease. Then you are going to have to have some serious conversations with that
guy who has everything just the way he likes it. Time to start making some plans to be busy away from the apartment when he want to spend time on the computer or watching TV.
You can go to the library or shopping, it doesn't have to be an affair with another guy, just busy. Best if you and some friends went out and you came home giddy and happy.
Shake things up if you can't leave until the lease is over.
And consider counseling. For yourself, for sure, and h=if he wants to save the relationship, maybe he will come along eventually.

Answer 3

Every relationship goes through that stage where it's familiar and people stopped trying. You haven't and he hasn't missed out on the best years of your life because you are only 20 and 27. And I doubt he has accomplished everything he wants to do. You can't stay with someone because you feel sorry for them. If you feel that the relationship has run it's course then end it now not 10 years from now. Couples get into a routine and if him not spending time with you is a problem then talk to him about it. It only takes one person to end a relationship, you don't need his consent. And the longer you wait to break it off the harder it will be.

Answer 4

Well dear I must say I am currently in the same boat as you. Although I haven't been living with my boyfriend we have been dating for 3 years now. He's got a new job, always tired, and seems to never have time for me. I know he loves you but honestly if he loved you that much he would realize how hurt you are. He would want to mend things and make them better. There is always a breaking point in a relationship and I am thinking that you have met yours. Maybe if you end things with him he will soon wise up and realize what a great girl he has lost. By that time though it may or may not be too late. The question remains for you, "do you really want to live a live you don't deserve?" Good luck

Answer 5

well, you never know a person until you've lived with them. now that you've lived with him, you find that he's not the one for you. how do you leave? you pack your things and go. an unhappy relationship is a waste of time. if he loves you, of course he'll be shattered. but how do you think he'll feel knowing that you're staying and you really don't want to. he obviously views this relationship very different than you and has different priorities. if he doesn't seem to want to budge from his current lifestyle to fit you in, then it's time to end the relationship so you both can move on. i made the mistake of staying in an unhappy relationship because i was scared to leave (why, i don't know). it's not like i couldn't support myself. i was just scared to be the "bad person" to end the relationship. i was worried about too many things besides my own feelings. the next thing you know, i fell into a depression that affected the relationship even more, then HE left ME! funny thing, i was relieved because it was over but also pissed off! don't be the same idiot i was. get out now while you are still young and don't miss out on YOUR best years.

Answer 6

You do deserve more. He has settled into a "married" kind of routine. You are only 20 and should be out having fun and experiencing different things. It seems that he is busy with his business, his sports, and his computer. How about making some plans for yourself. Go back to school? Get a career? He should be just fine. He doesn't spend that much spare time with you anyway. Tell him so.

Answer 7

hes older obviously its an issue.. well its simple just talk about the situation. let him know your stance and if nothing can change well then let him know its over. your still young and can settle down later. tell him he deserves someone that can settle down with him and someone that has more in common with him. talking about it now is better because the longer you wait the harder its going to be for you to do it later. so good luck and tell him the truth at once no being around the bush with him. being frankly honest is the only way he will really understand your situation. he'll be fine after a while. especially if you let him know how you feel about the situation, he'll be ok knowing that your better off and he'll waste less time with his future plans. he's already in another phase of his life. he either has to help you go through yours not force you into it, or he has to let you go and find someone at his pace. GOOD LUCK!

Answer 8

Pack up your hankie and Blow! He deserves a life of his own, not just existing to make you happy. Get out of his life and find a life of your own. If this means a geographical,do it. Show some responsibliity in this. Take charge and get this done NOW, while there is still time for both of you to start over. You're not getting any younger, and neither is he. Have a little consideration . Take the initiative and get the Hell out of Dodge.

Answer 9

You can attempt to talk to him if you believe you have true feelings for each other. Unfortunately, more than likely, even if he makes a change, it will be temporary (in most cases, not saying always guys). If you find this the case, leave. Get out. And fast. Life is too short to be lonely especially when you are not alone. I did it for 4 years too many, so I'm speaking from experience. Best wishes for a fun and fulfilling future!

Answer 10

This does,nt bode well at all, he,s been leading you a merry dance all along and the fact that there money owed to you suggest his motives are not based totally on emotional love but a convenient arrangement. Your threatening to break-up and his sudden niceties are because he still need your financial input and probably can,t pay the money owed to you, the Flat arrangement was just a ploy to keep you sweet and this paper of credit, has no legal authority. Now wise up, firstly take him to a lawyer, he either draws up a proper legal Debt outstanding and promissory note or legally put your name as joint owner on the flat, he,s got to do one of these things. I doubt he will put your name as joint owner, so get the promissory Note and say Goodbye, this man is a user and a manipulator and you need to get away from him fast or live to regret your involvement with him.