Tell me if you think i write well?

Question

Yes thier will be lots of mistakess. Sorry. I am writting a book and I would like to know if i write well. this is a excert from it so you won't be able to understand it fully until you read the book but tell me what you think of my words. Sarah is the main charector [its in her piont of view].


Jason and I sat down under a shaddy tree. "This is nice," i said, looking down. Jason, sensing something was wrong, gently touched my hand. For the first time in a while, butterflies filled my stomach and a tickling sensation went up my arm. I jerked it away and quickly glanced up at Jason. He looked hurt and confussed. He put one fingure under my chin and tiled it upwards, forcing me to look at him. Suddenly he tried to kiss me. Quickly, I put a fingure on his lips to stop him, "No Jason," I said.
I wanted to kiss him. He was my boyfriend after all. The only thing stopping me was the thought of Piper and how she hadn't aproved of Jason. "What's wrong?" he asked.

The clouds danced across the pale blue sky. As the sun sank behind the hills, the usaly sunlit grass turned gray.


THIS IS HOW I USALY WRITE!!

Answer 1

It's alright... Not brilliant, but alright...

And don't listen to those jerks: You said there would mistakes and if they can't get over that, then they shouldn't comment on much.

I prefer to read one part as, "...I said, looking downwards." Perhaps with a little more detail as why she was looking downwards. Like was she shy, was she novice...? What? Also, how this girl suppose to know what 'Jason' was feeling? What he was sensing? Try wording that a bit differently. And maybe I'm not too thrilled with that, 'tickling session', part. It sounds very weird to me as I'm reading it. Just like I'd prefer to read, 'his or her expression...'. Not he or she looked...'.

Also, I don't like hearing "...he put his figure under my chin..." Perhaps think of different, better wording for that. Plus, I don't really think it can be, "Suddenly he tried to kiss me." Because if it was really sudden, then the girl wouldn't have time to really pull away. At least i don't think so... 'Cause if your in that position then you've GOT to know what's coming. Just like I can't really see anyone 'quickly' putting their figure to someones lips. Especially if the person 'suddenly' tried to kiss them.

So, anyways... There are my thoughts 'n opinions. Sorry If I seemed harsh at all, I was just being truthful. After all, what good is criticism if it's not honest?

Answer 2

You've got some great answers, Lyra, but I'll just add my two cents if you don't mind. Telling usually talks about what it was like. Showing usually involves action involving the five senses and doing something apart from thinking about it. Ex: (telling) "Looking down the road, she felt confused and lost." Ex: (showing) "Disoriented, she looked down the road and back again, trying to find her way and dodge the cars screeching by her." With showing, it generally works better if you don't want the reader to be in the character's head too much, or have everything spelled out for him/her. A lot of books make this mistake, and it seems like the character is having a internal monologue, when all the author is trying to do is show you how the character is thinking - but the author tells you, instead of shows you. It also helps if you are trying to build suspense, or if you are addressing a subject/situation that you want the reader to draw his/her own conclusions on. Mainly, it's not about telling a story, but about transporting the reader into the scene bit by bit, allowing them to 'see' it and observe. Good luck, Lyra! LuthienX

Answer 3

It is good to see that you enjoy writing. You show great ambition by writing a story! I would try to catch a readers attention by developing your first paragraph . We don't know who your characters are, where they are at, what they look like. Take Barabara Kingsolver's book Poisonwood Bible. First couple sentences; "Imagine a ruin so strange it must never have happened. First, picture the forest. I want you to be it's conscience, the eyes in the trees. The trees are columns of slick, bridled bark like muscular animals overgrown beyond all reason." Kingsolver sets a foreboding tone for the book. We can see and feel the coursness of the forest. Or take The first sentence in "Jesus Land" by Julia Scheeres. "It's just after 3'oclock when we hit country road 50. The temperature has swelled past ninety and the sun scorches our backs as we swerve our bikes around pools of bubbling tar." Again, we can feel that hot day the author is talking about. We are there with these characters we will soon be introduced to and we already have a sense of where we are, of place. Describe that tree beyond shady, something we don't know (most trees are shady!!). Describe an aspect of where your characters are sitting. Have your tried taking a writing course at a community college? You will usually be able to work on a project like your piece and acquire tons of chances to develop a work in progress. Good Luck!

Answer 4

Definitely an awesome plot. I love the storyline you have going so far. I would just work on spelling, grammar, and maybe add a few more details. I would put more emphasis on Sarah's feelings as Jason's trying to get close to her, but she doesn't feel like she can let him. Readers want to be emotionally gripped. You're a good writer though, keep it up!

Answer 5

Keep writing. You are doing just fine. The more you work at it the better you will get.

Some people simply cannot spell or learn grammar. Don't let that stop your creativity.

God made editors for writers like you.

Answer 6

it's written pretty well just afew grammar issues, when you wrie dialoge you start a new paragraph eveytime someone new speaks and don't forget to capitolize. If your using work have it run a grammar and spelling check first

Answer 7

Painfully amateur with horrible spelling and grammar to boot.

I need some aspirin now.

Answer 8

just by how you asked the question, I would Say you write very well. the more you read and wirting your own paragraphs, the better you will get, but you are off to a great start. KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK !!!!

Answer 9

This is good. I think you should work on it more, but its a start!

Answer 10

Hey, I think it's great......I want to read more......please continue!!!