How can I get my husband to love me again?

Question

I had an affair over a year ago when I was out of state working for a month and a half (the affair lasted about 3 weeks), we broke up after that for a couple months, then got back together.

He has cheated on me twice (that I know of) about 3 years ago, I let it go and forgave him, however he said he never had s*x with anyone else, just kissed so what he did was way different.

We have been married for 6 years, together for 8, I am 23 and he is 27. I still love him but he is not the same, I can tell he doesn't really love me, he won't talk about it, what are some things I can do to help make him love me again? I want this marriage to work, we have a 5 year old daughter together.

I do not work anymore, I stay at home with our daughter. I already do all the "wife" things like make his lunch for work, have him supper ready when he gets home, keep the house clean, I rub his back when he's going to sleep. I do alot for him and still I get nothing.

I have put up with a lot from this man and I mess up one time and he can't seem to get over it. He has done much worse if we add up everything. So how can I get him to realize that it was a mistake, it's over, I love him and I only want to be with him? I want him to forgive me and try to find the love he use to have for me again, how can I work on doing that? He doesn't want to go to marriage counseling. Any suggestions? No critisisim please.
Thank you

THANK YOU for all the great advice.
I do pray every night and I will continue to.
We are intimate, so that is still there with no problems.
I never go out with friends or anything like that, and we do go out together about once a month.

THANK YOU for all the great advice.
I do pray every night and I will continue to.
We are intimate, so that is still there with no problems.
I never go out with friends or anything like that, and we do go out together about once a month.
I will up the compliments, thank you for that.

I came clean with him about it when he asked, I could of EASILY lied and gotten away with it but I didn't want to lie anymore.

Answer 1

This is a long answer but I think this will help you to understand things. I'm going to warn you that you may not like it, but I'm assuming you're looking for the truth so here goes...

First off I'm not going to criticize you. I'm sure you've beaten yourself up enough about the affair. And remember, he cheated too.

Here's the deal: In my professional opinion he probably won't ever get over you cheating on him. The reason being is that I've found that most couples I've counseled over the past 5 years, when the husband cheats, the wife almost always forgives him and takes him back. When the wife cheats, the husband will take the wife back, maybe 5% of the time, if that at all. Why? Well when men cheat it's usually for one thing and one thing only...sex. What's more is that the husband won't develop any feelings for his mistress other than lust because he won't seriously consider her to be long term relationship or wife material. Chances are, his lady on the side knows he's married and the fact that this other woman is a home wrecker and knows it, the husband loses respect for her and won't pursue a serious relationship. Most wives understand that husbands cheat mainly for sex and that there are no real feelings involved so they take them back. Feelings are what's most important to wives so if they know their husband didn't fall for the other woman, she'll more than likely take him back.

Men, on the other hand are VERY different when their wives cheat. First of all, women cheat mainly for everything BUT sex. They cheat for companionship, understanding, unconditional "love" and a myriad of other "feeling" based reasons. This is why it is more likely for a woman to develop feelings for her secret lover. Secondly, when a woman let's another man enter her body, it is absolutely devastating to her husband. It's the silver bullet when it comes to husbands. The reason for this is simple....sex is very important to men and exclusivity to a woman's body is even more important than that. Knowing that they are the only man having intercourse with her is part of his manhood. Taking back a cheating wife is almost like getting leftovers to him.

Now some people might think: "Well there's a double standard if I ever heard one" and they'd be right, but that's the way it is. But during intercourse it is the woman that is penetrated, not the man. It sounds simple but there is a deep psychological significance to that. Think about it, most women that I've counseled like to be "man handled" during sex. It's a turn on for them to be taken and ravaged by their man because it's what makes her feminine and him masculine. Men are the exact same way. They like being able to impose their will on and into their women in the bedroom. And it all has to do with the fact that the man is the penetrator and the woman is the "penetratee"

So your husband sleeping with another woman doesn't bother you as much because you know there probably wasn't much talk of marriage and children. You on the other hand, have been "contaminated" and that's why he may never forgive you. It's not fair, I know but again, that's the way it is.

It sounds like you're doing all the right things to win back his trust and affection. You may want to try tearfully apologizing. He is your husband afterall and a little emotion may push him to the brink of forgiveness but like I said, the odds aren't in your favor....

Good luck

Answer 2

I don't think it was what happened years ago, to me it sounds like he is either taking you for granted(is happy you being the little wife), doesn't know how you really feel, is depressed, just is not in love with you any more, or is having an affair. Can you sit down and really have a heart to heart, without pointing the finger of blame, don't said you did this, your worse etc, admit what you did was wrong, but the fact that he took you back and you have remained faithful should prove you love him, tell him strength that you feel unloved, and that it is unfair that you are still paying for what you did, tell him you want it to work, go out, have dates, remember why you fell in love and do it again, if he is depressed, try and get him to get help, say you are worried about him, if he is just a bast**ed! or cheating then you have wasted enough love and life on him, and a relationship will not work with just one person giving, i really hope you get it sorted, you were both so young at the start, no wonder you both made mistakes, good luck, but remember to look after yourself.

Answer 3

You answered already for me. Start by doing everything that you wrote in the last 3 lines in the last paragraph. You have to ask him those questions. He probably won't say what you want to hear. He might even say, he doesn't want to talk about it, but take control and tell him he has no choice. You were incredibly wrong, but if you admitted it and apologized up and down and he wants to stay together, then he has to accept your apology.

The one way you could win his heart back is to compliment him now. Tell him things like, how stupid you were because you already have the best man. He is everything you've ever wanted. He was always excellent as a husband and father, great in bed, great job, gorgeous, intelligent, etc. This list could go on, but you know what he would love to hear.

That makes such a difference, especially when their wives cheat, because then they feel like a failure (in bed especially)and cringe at the thought that their wife had to go get it somewhere else. That they weren't good enough.

Just give him his strength back. He will feel so much better if you tell him how wonderful he is. I wish you all the luck.

Answer 4

There's not much you can say anymore to make him forgive you or trust you again anytime soon. It looks like this will take some time for him. Don't pressure him since he's still in the process of getting over it. He's still married to you, right? That's a good sign. If he didn't love you at all, then I believe he would have filed for divorce by now. He obviously wants to work it out with you. What you can do is to just keep doing what your doing now. Focus more on your marriage & your daughter. You did cheat on him & he cheated on you too. That's bad. Both of you have a history of cheating on each other. You both need to learn that marriage is a SOLID COMMITMENT. If you really love each other, then temptations should not interfere with your love. Seriously, why hurt each other if you love each other. Try & make sense of it. Are you sure your not going to continue this behavior while your married to him? You lost his trust & it's going to take time & hard work to earn it back, that is...if he's willing to try & trust you again someday. You forgave him for his cheating & moved on. He on the other hand is a different person with different emotions, maybe he's not strong enough to just let things go as quickly as you did. So, maybe what you should do is understand what he's feeling & accept it. While fixing your marriage, be honest with each other & always tell him where you will be. Treat him with respect while he should do the same for you. If you two are going to work things out, it is going to be on his slow pace.

GOOD LUCK.

Answer 5

Make an appointment with a marriage counselor. Ask your husband to come with you but do Not imply that this is about his or your cheating. Simply explain It's to develope greater communication skills & an understanding that will help you both rediscover your love. If he refuses to go, do not show any signs of arrogance but continue to invite him to come with you as the day approaches. He may go the last minute. Change your cell phone numbers and don't make the same mistake twice. Stop bringing up the bartender or any other woman. If nothing is working, make an appointment with him for you two to sit down and talk. When you do, talk about saving your marriage & counseling. Otherwise you will continue living this way while your life passes you by. Good luck.

Answer 6

You need to start to put yourself first than your husband .He might still been hurts for what was happen in the past.He looks like he love you ,but he doesn't forgive yet . I think he is cheating on you for make you pay what you did to him and it won't go to anywhere if you guys don't sit down and talk about the situation. You have to start to commitment again to the relationship otherwise you going to be cheating one and other all the time and remember that you have a child together ,all this isn't a good environment for her.
Put yourself together and if you are not happy in the relationship just walk away . No matter what you did in the past you don't have to suffer your entire life about it. Love yourself more than you love your husband and look up for you and your child what its by the way more important

Answer 7

Not trying to criticize you but why keep bringing up the past, one or both of you should be adult enough to figure out that yesterday is gone. And what are either of you gaining by keeping a running tally of the others screw ups? He may still love you, but the trust that he had for you was destroyed. You have to work at building that back. He is still there with you, which is more than a lot of men would have done. Be open and honest with him about everything and let the past die, every time one of you bring it up it is like tearing the scab off a bad cut, its going to bleed and hurt again and again. Until it will be unrepairable, I wish you all the best. Just keep loving him and eventually, the trust will be returned.

Answer 8

You will always have a love for each other, but ya'll married too young and the immaturity you both have has directly led to your actions. You both have discraced the sanctity of your vows and that is almost impossible to get back. You need to have an honest converstion. Maybe you should write down what you like about your husband, dislike, and what would you change, and what would have to happen for you both to stay together happily forever and have him do the same. Talk about your honestly answered responses. Staying together for your child will not last the distance.

Answer 9

I kinda agree with "BOOP" Id stop all the extras and just do what you have to.Or actually I'd wait a few days to even clean...and thats hard for me because I like things clean.But show him you mean business.Act like you dont care.If he's done a lot worse it should be you doing all the forgiving.


Or get in bed naked and lay up behind him..act like you're asleep but throw your arms and hands on 'things' lol


btw..how did he find out? If you came clean you should tell him you told him because you were sorry and felt bad about it.If he wouldve never found out...you didnt have to tell him...

Answer 10

I hate to tell you this, but the trust he had is gone. I think its all over but the paperwork.
You can't make someone love you after they don't anymore--been there, done that. You are both drifting along on hopes, and I think you should open your eyes & face your unhappiness.
Frankly, I can't see how you can claim to love him, because you don't cheat on someone if you really truly DO love them.

Step back & take a good hard look at your life, your relationship, and your future. I think you'll be surprised at what you find.