What to do when forgiveness in not in your heart?

Question

I come from what I thought was a happy family. That is, until we recently found out that my mom had been having an affair at work. No wonder she hadn't been coming home from 'work' until 9 at night. No wonder she spent so many weekends taking care of her sick mother. Apparently, it wasn't her first affair, either. As a wife of my father for 21 years, and the mother of four, this came as quite a shock. My poor dad had to find out when a slew of nasty emails from her lover were found on the home computer.
Not only that, but the emails revealed that my mom and this guy were planning on buying a house and leaving this summer. She even cashed in her 401 K so the courts would give her my dads. It is all a huge mess.
I have not spoken to her since the ordeal. She has contacted me leaving voicemails that range from being nice to saying that she wish I wasnt born.. and so on. I guess my question is, I know forgiveness is the right way, but what do you do if you have no desire to reconnect?

Answer 1

Kyli, you need time to sort through your feelings and heal from the sudden pain that your mother has inflicted on your family. I just recently found out that my wife has been cheating on me and she wants a divorce. It has been a painful time for me, but I finally realized that she is human (not perfect), and I have forgiven her for her actions.

Answer 2

Its hard to say this.. but I believe some women are supposed to be mothers and some women just get pregnant. They give birth to us so there is always that underlining respect and love that you have for them. I dont feel however, that just because a mother gives birth to a child that the child has to accept whatever the mother does based on the fact that "thats my mom."
Your mother is dead wrong. And she knows that. A part of a mother that makes her deserve the name "mother" is her undying sacrifices and selfless acts she does to perserve her family. If at some time she felt that her marriage was not making her happy any more then there are certain ways to properly go about that. To have affairs, set up to leave your father in a terrible position financially, and then to lash out at her kids definitely crosses that nuturing factor into the "oh hell no" factor.
Shes the only mother you have. So dont loose your love and respect for her as the person who gave you life... but you are no way entitled to forgive her or try to establish communication with her. Give it time.. and after awhile just do what your heart tells you to.

Answer 3

Forgive her for your sake not hers. Then refuse her calls maybe even have her number blocked. Remember however that though what she did is very wrong and painful, she is still your mom and what decisions you make on this now may be regretted in the future. By the messeges and her actions she has proven her self to be selfish and selfcentered. At this time be there for your dad and though your family like 85% of the american household is broken, your still a family and your family can be just as strong with out your mom even stronger. Sorry to hear your going through a hard time, but life keeps going and what you choose to make of his your other has no control over. As a matter of fact your mother has never had control, even over her own life.

Answer 4

1. You don't have to forgive your mother right away. You're deeply hurt and angry, and you need time to cool off first.

2. You probably don't know the whole story. While I don't believe that anything excuses an affair, there may be more going on with your mother and her "situation" than you think.

3. If your mother is hateful to you like that, I think you should stop listening to her voicemails until you get to a point where you can talk calmly to her.

And remember, you need to forgive (eventually), but you don't have to forget.

Answer 5

It took me a very long time to be able to forgive my mother for the way she treated me during my childhood, so I know how difficult this can be. I do believe that you will eventually be able to forgive her, even though you will probably not be able to forget it. The only way I was able to forgive was by realizing that by not forgiving her, I was punishing myself more than her, because I was carrying the bitterness in my heart. Try not to take her voice mails to heart, as she is probably feeling guilty for hurting you all, and is venting her guilt by being nasty. Don't feel that you have to reconnect right away if you feel so strongly about it. Allow yourself time to get over your hurt. When you do eventually feel the time is right, you will be able to speak to her much more calmly, and explain how hurt you felt by her betrayal, not only of your father, but of you and your siblings as well. If you talk to her now, you will be too emotional, and may say things that could have been left unsaid. In the meantime, try to be as supportive of your dad as you can be. I know how difficult this time is for you and your dad, so my thoughts and prayers are with you.

Answer 6

Wow...that's a really tough situation for you.
You may need a lot of time to forgive your mother. I would try telling her that.
That's no guaranttee when or if that time will come.
Be there and strong for your dad, as I'm sure you already are.
When she loses her patience for forgiveness and says things like "wishes you weren't born" she isn't helping matters. She sounds quite selfish, and for awhile, she may need to learn the hard way that life is NOT all about her.

Answer 7

She did what she thought was right for her. We all do what we think is right for us ? Don't bother yourself. Don't test people on principles, because life may pose one such situation before us.

Be kind to your dad who is the most affected one. Your mom is definitely feeling hollow, let's see what future holds for her.

I know you are hurt but we all are, look for something nice, happy and happening around to change your mood.

Do not spoil your terms with her, some day she may want to come back and you would be first person to know this

Answer 8

Figure out whether there's a way to be safe enough from fallout from her, because IMHO, it's not safe for non-munks to forgive those that are still a danger to them. Then, decide the value of maintaining some semblance of a relationship with her, and get some advice on how to approach that.
Best to you.

Answer 9

You need to forgive, and i know it's the hardest thing in the world to do in this situation..but you need to do it. And I'll tell you why...

The Scriptures say that (if you're that type of person) to be forgiven, you also need to forgive, that forgiveness is required of you. To not forgive is one of the greatest sins on earth, because (as hard as it may seem) you're putting yourself above God.

I know it seems hard, but if you believe me, ponder it, and the answer will come.

Good Luck!

Answer 10

I would keep my distance for awhile and sort through my feelings.I know you're hurt and so is your family.Its tought o deal with.Take some time and se how you feel later about it before things are said you cant take back.Like her saying she wished you were never born....Im sure she doesnt mean it.Even though whats shes done isnt right,she to is going through some emotions.