Low Sex Drive?

Question

My husband and I have been together for a really long time and have known each other since we were 12. For about 6 years now, I haven't had a sex drive. I have had alot of life changing events happen in my life. My mother died right after I moved out of the house in 2004 and I had a baby in 2005. My husband and I are having problems because of this and I need to know what to do. He is more into all of the kinky things about sex and I am more into the romantic side of things. When we don't have sex, he pouts and acts rude towards me. That makes my problem worse. What can I do to help save our marriage?

Answer 1

You need outside counseling so you can come to an understanding.

You husband (if I may) is acting immature in these matters, in that just because he knows that Bill's wife loves anal sex, that is no proof that you do.

He needs to repsect your wishes and has to understand the stresses you are under

Answer 2

You may not like this answer but....here it goes.

You are being selfish holding your lack of desire out as more important than his need for fufillment. Would it really make you unhappy to have sex more often? Can't get in the mood? Buy some KY lubricant and fake it until you get turned on. Make him go down on you until you get turned on. If he is kinky, he won't mind.

Let's be honest here, you are not meeting his needs because you are choosing not to do what it takes. You will have a list of excuses 1/2 mile long, but the end of the day you are being lazy and you know it. You aren't being asked to do something you can't do...you are being asked to do something you aren't in the mood to do and there is a big difference.

Tell me this, would having sex with him more often be so bad? Would it be worth breaking up your marriage and divorcing so you can abstain from sex? Because not having sex is a good reason for a divorce.

Your husband isn't going to be romantic with you because you have given him no reason to be. After 6 years of not putting out, you are lucky he is still there supporting you.

What you will find is that if you satisfy him more often, he will be happier, and I would bet that you would actually enjoy it. After a very short period of having regular sex, he would be happy to take you out and romance you.

I will use this alaogy. I really don't mind mowing my lawn, but I don't really look forward to doing it either. But I do it once a week if I want to or not. My grass doesn't care if it is hot, if I have a headache, if I am tired,...it just doesn't matter and it keeps growing.

If I don't mow, my wife will call someone else to do the job and I will have to accept the consequences because I AM CHOOSING NOT TO MOW. If I am happy letting some othe dude mow my lawn, well there are no problems...but I have no place to complain if the work needs to be done and I am not willing to do it.

After I got used to mowing my lawn, I actually take a lot of pride in it now and it doesn't suck so bad. I take extra care to make sure I use a different pattern each time, I use the edger on the driveway, I trim around the trees. You see this attention to detail pleases my wife.

Notice I didn't say that you need to do everything he wants to do in bed. One can have a fufulling sex life without having anal sex (I don't even know how some of the other answers got the idea that he is comparing you to your neighbors wife and her appetite for anal). But there are litterally dozens of ways to please your husband sexually, and you are doing none of them. It isn't like he is asking you to mow the lawn for God's sake!

Answer 3

You need to take turns. Some nights he runs you a bath with candles and flowers etc... and then some nights you jump his bones. the more spontaneous on your part the better. But he does need to be romantic, unfortunately it's a two way street and not everyone knows that. There are times when i dont want to be romantic but i do it because i know thats what she wants and theres times when she's not in the mood and still attacks me like she is. hope that helps. Its all about the give and take in a relationship and doing for the other what they want. You do that and your sex life will improve. Tonight after your kids asleep just walk to the kitchen "to get a drink", take your clothes off and call him into the kitchen to check out the sink because you think it may be leaking. then take it from there. There's no way that you shouldnt feel sexy when youre being "mauled" by the man you love.

Answer 4

To be honest and this is from me a man, nothing wrong with the kinky side and to be honest nothing wrong with the romantic side. Of course it might with him if he has100000 boyfriends, I never understand why a man wants to spend more time with other men than to spend time with their wives. Oh the wives not like sports. Well if you sit down and explain it and she could end up liking it better than you.

Think both of you need to sit in a locked room and talk about what both want, for good grief its not that hard. What does he think if he is a romantic that he is a sissy, oh me OK but honestly think should talk about it, should have knew about this the day you two got married. I mean its not hard to talk about everything that might would happen in a marriage and ask what about our love life if this or this happens and if he says one thing that you not want then could have prevented this down the road.

But do think both you should talk and both should get what you both want from the love making. Its not just for the man, its also for lady too, and both needs different things. A man should respect that and woman should respect what the man needs.

Answer 5

Get a physical and see if the change in your sex drive is a chemical or hormonal imbalance.

Beyond that, talk to the man. Embrace his and your kinky side and ask that he embrace your more romantic side. If you go about it right, you could find that the kinky stuff is fun and he could get more enjoyment from the loving and tender sex.

Its very important that you both talk about sexual needs, desires and fantasies. Its also important that you try to understand where the other is coming from and not to judge. You don't need a counselor for that, you just need to be hoonest with yourself and each other.

Answer 6

I think that initially due to circumstances your sex drive was low...because 6 years just seems more like a habbit that formed that you maybe got too comfortable with. (No sex or very little). Explain to your husband that it hurts you when he acts rude- and you do and will work on pleasing him and mending that aspect of the relationship as it is very important to have that connection. My advice to you is to do the things that use to get you in the mood. Be open minded for your marriages sake. I know bad things has happened to start this downwards spiral, but think of how your husband is feeling. Relax, go with the flow next time the mood is right- it may take some warming up to but I have faith things will work for if you try.

Answer 7

You husband is pretty typical of a man when he doesn't get sex from his spouse. He feels rejected. You are the one person who wasn't supposed to reject him. It might not be reasonable but that is often the thinking.

You are using the death of your mother and the birth of the child as an excuse. If you 'want' to be intimate with your husband then you will do so. If you don't then you'll use the excuses that help you the most. How many people are willing to argue when a woman says, I had a baby and since then I'm just not in the mood? Bet you'd be in the mood quickly enough if you divorced and realized it wasn't there the second you said I'm ready. I've seen this many times over with my friends.

It is all a matter of choice in most cases.

Answer 8

Compromise and make this deal with him: Let's have sex your way this time, but then next time I'd like some candles, romantic music, dinner out, a massage, whatever it is that works for you.
Tell him you'd like to alternate between the two styles of sex so that it keeps your sex life interesting. Make sure that you state clearly that you prefer the romantic side of sex, and that you understand he prefers the hot and heavy. Then both of you put your heart into both styles, not just the one each prefers.<---This step is crucial!

p.s. don't ever do anything that you are uncomfortable with kinkwise. You do have to draw the line somewhere.

Answer 9

Men and woman show affection and love differently. Woman are more verbal, and men are more physical. You need to keep him satisfied even if you are not into it at first. I mean go alone with it, I'm sure at some point you will be turned on and enjoy it. It is hard with a new baby, but not just for you, he still needs for you to take time for him. Just try to not reject him, do you know how that feels? I bet you would get back into it if you let loose and went with it! It will probably bring you two closer together too. Good Luck to you.

Answer 10

Yadda yadda counseling yadda yadda communication yadda yadda . . .

Lady, it comes down to this: if you want to keep your husband, you have to keep him happy. You want candles and romance? Let him know up front that it's foreplay -- and then follow through. Sure, counseling and communication are great, but the simple fact is that if he isn't getting dinner at home he'll eat lunch out someplace. Yes, he loves you. But there are limits to what a man's self-esteem will bear. If you want to keep him, put out like a fiend whether you like it or not. Heck, a BJ only takes 15 minutes, and he'll feel like a hero the rest of the week. Men get their validation from sex, just like women get it from security. Put out or be prepared for an ugly divorce. Take my word on this.

Answer 11

Here is helpful advice for women at any age:

Learn to communicate effectively with your partner to gain the most from your shared sexual experience.

Consider counseling to help you and your partner talk through any sexual frustrations and open up to each another.

Realize that exploring her own body is a healthy way for a woman to learn what truly arouses her.

If you face serious psychological issues, particularly prior sexual abuse, it is crucial to get help from a mental health professional.

I am not sure if this is any help but i really think maybe you should talk to you doctor about all of it and maybe you can get some help, always keep converstaion wiht your husband open and explain things to him