Am i wrong for being upset about this?

Question

My daughter’s father asked me to marry him this last march. My parents (who are well off but not rich) told us that since we were planning on buying a home this July they would give us a down payment if we got married at the courthouse, instead of paying for a wedding. So my husband and I put aside our “dream wedding” and rushed to the courthouse a month later so we would have money to move. They did give us $500 for our honeymoon and another $500 to live on when we got back. Now that’s it time to move they haven’t said anything about the down payment. I don’t want to be rude and ask because we really don’t need it but the fact that they told us they would give it to us and we didn’t have our wedding. I’m I wrong for feeling upset about this? Cause we really wanted a wedding!!!

I didnt ask my parents to pay for our wedding it was offered!!!! My husband and i dont need the money it was the fact that they would tell me something and not live up to it, why tell me???!!!

Answer 1

If my parents had told me that, I would have done the same as you, then when it came time to buy a house, I would bring up the conversation you had and ask them if they were still able/willing to help you with the down payment. Maybe their financial picture has changed, or maybe they figured you didn't want it since you haven't asked for it.
Usually I would say they don't owe you anything, but since they made the offer, then maybe you should gently remind them of that. And if they can't help let it go. Money isn't worth losing your parents over.
Then I would have one hell of a reception to celebrate my marriage.

Answer 2

You're not wrong to be upset. But if you don't need the money, you might end up better off if you just don't mention it. There might be something going on and they just don't want to tell you that they can't afford it or something.

Or ask it in a happy, "so, do you think you could mail the down payment check to so and so mortgage company by so and so day? It was such a good idea to that instead of having a wedding, this way we'll have our house! Thank you so much!" Like you're just assuming it's still happening even though it hasn't been mentioned.

Oh, and you should throw yourselves a 1st anniversary party to celebrate your marriage since you missed out on having a wedding. That might ease that a little.

Answer 3

First, I have never been a big fan of parents having to pay for adult children's choices. You chose to get married, it is not your parent's responsibility to pay for it OR give you a down payment for a house - you are an adult.

On the other hand it is wrong for them to say that they would give you the money and then not do it. So if they agreed to do this just bring it up in a non confrontation way and say you will be looking for a house soon and you need to know how much money they will be giving you so that you can know what you are dealing with...

That should start the conversation. Good luck.

Answer 4

Yes, you are wrong for being upset. Your parents offered to help you and they did. They give you money for your honey moon and money when you come back. The downpayment money was to replace the money to spend on your dream wedding. You could always go on a honeymoon later on. You should have saved the $1,000 to add on to you your downpayment since you don't really need it. You must decide what is important, A dream wedding that will cost thousands of dollars or use that money to keep your house payments up.
I would bring it to their attention. But if they don't act on it , I would leave it alone. I'm sure they have babysit manys times for you and other things. Be happy that your parents are there.

Answer 5

You and your new husband are adults so do what you have to do so you don't need to depend on anyone else - this includes your parents. If they do give you the $ for the down payment - that's great. If they haven't brought it up - don't worry about it. You say you don't need the $ so be an adult and show them that you are responsible and are taking care of getting the home on your own. Also, you can still have a wedding. Just remember that if it's your dream wedding then you and your husband have to make it happen, not anyone else.

Answer 6

I don't think you are being very gracious.. they probably did not think you would take a honeymoon since you didn;t have wedding; so the fact that they gave you money for your honeymoon , and money to live on after, plus I assume they probably kept your Daughter while you were on your honeymoon should be sufficient- especially since you say you "really don't need it" !! Be grateful for what you have- it is WAAY more than most people get-or are able to give. And really i don't consider a month "rushing to the courthouse".

Answer 7

I would tactfully ask in a "by the way we were looking at houses the other day and found something we really like" . "And were wondering if you were still planning to keep your offer of helping us with the down payment "on the table"". Otherwise we are left with some difficult options. " like ............. And take it from there....I hope this helps and congratulations on your marriage. Best wishes to you both . As far as the "we don't need the money statement." Well you always need it when you think in terms of your daughter's future and well being.Meaning that you could put that money into a CD for college. or(even though it is 65 years away) her retirement.

If you have a good relationship with your parents then talking to them about the matter at hand should be no problem for you. And if they balk and recant the offer then I would be intensely angered by their renegging on their offer. Don't extend an opprotunity when you have no intention to keep it is what I would and did say to my parents. And HELL YES I WAS ANGRY with them for a while. What if you really were depending on that offer of help from them ??!!!!!???!!!! And like I said when you have to take your daughters well being into account in all actuality you WERE depending on that.

Take care and good luck with your new home. We are fixin' to move and holy moly all this packing is driving me bonkers. Take care and best wishes .

Answer 8

I agree with the parents. I would much rather have a home than a wedding. I got married in a courthouse ceremony, too, and I have never regretted it.

I do think that your parents should keep their word. As long as you and your husband qualify for a mortgage, they need to pony up the promised down payment.

Remind them of their promise. Show them that you qualify for a mortgage and are serious about buying a home. Hopefully, they will keep their word.

Answer 9

You do share some of the blame.
You should have discussed specific dollar amounts before the wedding. Here in my community--in Northern California--a median price house goes for 900 K. A down payment might run to 20% of that--say, $180 K.
I'd discuss their former promise with them. One compromise might be for them to fork over the down payment, but for you consider it a loan by them and to repay them.
However, parents are worth more than money. Money is everywhere, but parents are rare. Try to keep open your communication and allow their gifts to be voluntary rather than obligatory.

Answer 10

What are the chances that your parents forget their promise to you to give you that down payment? Slim to none...
so I'd continue looking at houses, tell them about houses that you are considering, and also be ready to make that down payment yourself if they don't come through. Then announce it to them when you've found the one, and see what happens.

Don't even embarrass them if they never mention that down payment. They will have guilt, and it's sometimes more embarrassing for you to ask for it. There's a good chance that they will hand you a check, and if they don't, start saving for that big second wedding. Maybe your five or ten year anniversary?
btw...don't forget to invite them to the 2nd wedding...(what a perfect guilt trip!)