Is this unreasonable of me?

Question

Is it unreasonable to want my partner to kiss me hello when he comes home? I just want a little hug and kiss or 'missed you' or a little something to know that hes happy to see me.
When I give HIM the kiss when he comes home he said it feels like im 'attacking' him and he cant get a chance to set his things down even.

Is it unreasonable of me to want more love from him? I feel like Im just not getting enough attention/love/affection/companionship.

Answer 1

i don't think that's unreasonable at all... but men's brains work so differently from women's...

i used to feel like this once in a while too, but my mother-in-law gave me john gray's book "mars and venus in love", and i swear it's helped me to better understand the men in my life!

when men are at work, they are very focused... even on his drive home, he may have complete tunnel vision and be occupied by work things, traffic, what he needs to pick up at the grocery store, et cetera. when he walks in the door of your place, his only thought is probably to wind down from the stresses of the day.

when you want kisses and hugs from him first thing as he walks in the door, it may make him feel like you "want" things from him, just like his job, the other drivers on the road, the cashier in the grocery store... men really need some time to sort of marinate once they are home from work.

i bet if you just give him a little time, maybe an hour, once he gets home, he will be much more receptive to you after that point in the evening. maybe you'll be occupied with other things when he walks in the door... reading a book, watching tv... when he comes home today, put on sportscenter, smile at him, hand him the remote, and grab a magazine. just that little slice of time where there's peace and no one is demanding anything from him will probably help him relax immensely...

...and you'll have a much happier co-existence with him! :)

Answer 2

No I don't think it unreasonable to ask for it, but you have to ask yourself a few questions:
1) You obviously feel you need more affection from him, is the kiss you get from him when he comes home enough to meet that need or could he do other things? Have you told him about other things he could do?
2) He doesn't feel comfortable with giving you that kiss right away, is your need for the kiss so important that you want to push the issue...or can you get the love and affection at another time when he might be more amenable to it?
I guess the point I am trying to make is to pick your battles. If the "I'm home" kiss is important enough, than tell him and make an issue out of it. If it is just symptomatic of a deeper issue (your desire for more affection from him), then see it for what it really is and get to the core of the matter and talk to him about what you need.

Answer 3

How long have you been together? After a long time, I think he would start to miss your behavior and wish you would do those things more. It's certainly not unreasonable. Perhaps let him get in the door first though :) When you know he's pulling up, instead of waiting for him at the door, wait at the other end of the house or just the room and then work your way toward him after he opens the door. That way you're still showing your affection but you're giving him a little space too.

Answer 4

Lots of people have a hard time with the work-to-home (or where ever he's been) transition. He may just need some time to relax after being out before he can focus on you. If he's feeling attacked, he won't enjoy the kiss anyway. It would be nice if he'd just take the time to give you a little kiss, but at least he's being honest with you about why he doesn't like to. Instead, try to compromise. Let him relax for a few minutes first. Give him a drink- bottle of beer, glass of wine, iced tea- and let him decompress. When he finishes his drink, you can give him a kiss as you take the empty glass away. Keep the mood light- don't bombard him with problems that you had that day (save that for later). Make him happy to be home.

If you don't feel like you're getting enough affection, you should talk to him about it. He seems to be able to be honest with you. Some people just aren't comfortable showing affection. Try to start with something non-threatening, like holding his hand for a few seconds. When you say something positive about him to others, place your hand on his arm or shoulder. If he shirks away, let the issue drop for awhile.

If he really is uncomfortable showing affection, he may never change. But if he at least tries, that will show you that he does care. If you tell him that showing affection is necessary for you to feel secure in your relationship and he refuses to even try, maybe you should reconsider your compatibility with him.

Answer 5

Absolutely not unreasonable at all. If all other areas of your relationship are ok - then just try to talk with him - but I have a sneaky feeling that there may be some other areas lacking.

When the bloom is off the rose - that is when the initial strong feelings die down then they need to be followed by a comfortable warm companion feeling and that needs to include romance. Some men handle this well and others don't. The remark "attacking" is what makes me wonder if he has not achieved that warm relationship position. Perhaps some counseling would be in order.

Answer 6

It is not unreasonable to wanting affections from your loved ones. Try openly communicating with him. Tell him of your concern. I could understand if he needs a breather from a very long and tiring all day work, but what is so much about a little kiss. There's nothing like a warm welcome after a long day of work. If talking makes him feel that you cornered him even more. Try restricting yourself from immediately welcome him and play by his rules. Let see if he realizes the difference. If he understand you completely he would realize that something is going on. He should go to you and ask you what's wrong. If he still feels the same way even though you have compromised then maybe there's something more happening that you're not aware. Communication is always the first solution you want to try. Good luck.

Answer 7

As a woman, I understand what you are saying. I like a hug and kiss when he comes home and I'm ready to just start talking away!

However, I read a book a couple of years ago that said most men need a little down time when they come home - even just 5 or 10 minutes. Once they get settled in and are READY to talk then they will come to you.

I try to remember that and it normally works great for my husband and I. Even though WE want hugs and kisses as soon as they get in, we have to think about what they want as well.

Give him a few minutes when he gets home. Let him go off to wherever. If you give him that time alone with maybe only a "hi honey" when he walks in, I betcha he'll be back in a few minutes. :)

Good luck!

Answer 8

So give him a chance to wind down a bit when he gets home. He needs some time to transition from being goal oriented at work, to being more relational at home. Sit down and calmly explain to him, (not right after work :), that you feel like you have become distant and need to reconnect. Tell him that you need more affection from him. Agree to give him a certain amount of time when he comes home from work before you expect him to be fully present. That way he can ease into it and not feel "attacked". You both end up winning. He gets some down time to adjust, and you get him ready to engage on a higher level. If that doesn't do it, maybe there are other issues, but give it a try. Study up on the ways God made men and women different. Understanding them can make a world of difference in how you and your man relate to one another.

Answer 9

You want him to take care of your needs but you do not want to respect his. He is telling you that he just needs a minute to get situated. What kind of job does he have? Is it physically or mentally demanding? Try giving him time when he gets home, if he does physical labor he may want to take a shower and relax. If he has a mentally challenging job, have a cocktail ready for him when he gets home and let him relax and read while he has a drink. Then when he has calmed down from the day, and has seen how you respect him as a man and for him working so hard for you and your family, I'm sure he will give you all the affection you can handle.

Answer 10

I guess that depends, are you wanting a kiss first thing or is within the first 5 minutes of him walking in the door good enough? It sounds to me like you need more date nights.

If you wanting it immediately then I would say you are being unreasonable but if your asking for within the first 5 minutes then your not.

Answer 11

Maybe the love in this relationship is not balanced equally between the two of you..... I have been on the receiving end of an overly affectionate partner that would not wait for me to take off my coat or close the door, he would pounce on me, hugging and kissing me, I love you, I missed you, etc...

Not only was it annoying to be hugged when I had a coat half-way down my arms (felt like a straight-jacket) and the cold wind was blowing into the house but I always got the impression that he was saying all those things because he wanted to hear them back. Needless to say this was not the only problem in our relationship and it ended after a few years together.

Now I'm NOT saying that this is what you are doing but it may be a good idea to look into your own reasons for wanting to hear "I love you" as soon as he enters the door. Is this about him or about your own feelings of rejection and insecurity when you don't hear what you want to hear from him?