Last night my husband really hurt my feelings -- Help !?

Question

Let me explain. He was upset because I supposedly gave him mixed signals. I am in therapy and it was a hard day so I was emotionally wiped out. He was feeling froggy and I wasn't soooo he got all bent out of shape because he didn't get his way. He spouted off that I was looney and needed to get my head on straight. Well -- gees I am working through alot of issues right now and I am really trying. How do I handle the situation? I am trying to be all to everyone plus get myself healed too. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

this is not his typical behavior he is generally a really understanding and sweet man - i guess that is why it hurt me he is not a rotten person and is probably the most giving person I have ever known

Answer 1

I am going to look at this from both your point and his, so please do not take anything I say as criticism or trying to take sides one way or the other.

First, I have been in your position. I am a clinical depressant with a physical cause. I have a chemical imbalance in my brain that causes my depression. I can completely understand what you are going through with the theropy and trying to "get better". One thing to remember, there is nothing wrong in the first place. The issues you have are real and not in any way "bad". This needs to be your main focus. Once you have dealt with your issues and are in a happier place emotionally, you can start being there for others. However, as said by others, you will *never be everything to everyone. That is simply not possible. Trying to do so, especially now, will simply retard (notice I use that word in it's proper definition) your personal progress. Depending on your issues and their causes, once you are in a better mental state, trying to be everything to everyone will simply cause a backslide in your progress. I say this not just as support, but also from personal expierence. My depression is triggered by a variety of things, but I find the more I try to be all for all the worse it is and the more difficult it is to reverse. You were not in the wrong last night. As a man, I can tell you that your emotional states has a significant impact on your desire. Men do need more than just food and sex...well at least there are men out there that do. However, there are times when sex is just not right. If he is the kind of man that can truely feel love, then it would not have been good last night if you had given in to his desires. He would have known and it would have hurt him. So again, I say you did exactly the correct thing. I can understand why his reaction upset you and he needs to acknowledge the fact that he handled things badly. Not knowing any details about your relationship, I can only say if he loves you and you give him the chance, he will do so.

Now for his point. Perhaps he sensed your bad day. He may also have believed he sensed a need for attention and love from you. Sex is a physical expression of an emotion. Although he may have misread, I can understand why he might have thought you were giving mixed signals. This does not make what he did right, but perhaps it is a little more understandable when see in this light. From personal expierence, I know that emotional and psychological problems have an effect on more than just the person who is dealing with them. Perhaps he needed the emotional aspect of the physical act (yes, there really are a few of us out there that see it as more than just a physical act, and see women as more than a sexual device).

Now, I again say I am not taking sides or defending/condeming either of you. I think he was definitely in the wrong and needs to acknowledge it, but perhaps you too need to look at the situation in a different light. Once you are feeling better, perhaps you can both "make it up" to each other. No matter what, as the other answerers have said and no doubt your theropist would say, you need to let him know that he hurt you and why in a calm manner.

I wish you the best of luck, with this situation and your healing. What you are doing is hard and sympathize and support you 100%. Please feel free to contact me via email or yahoo i/m if you would like. I found occasionally talking to someone indepentant of my general life (meaning not a current friend/family/theropist) helped. And as I have been where you are, I would be happy to chat, or just listen.

/hug

Answer 2

He should not have had an affair no matter what the circumstances. Never let yourself feel guilty about his actions. That said, could you possibly take an early retirement? It obviously bother him much more than he thought it would to have you gone so much. I wouldn't assume he had another affair unless you have some sort of evidence because false assumptions will just cause more problems. If you can't stay home, try buying him something really special the next time you are away or planning a romantic date or night at home when you return. He may feel like he takes a backseat to your career and he needs to feel like you want/need him too! I hope all works out!

Answer 3

you are in therapy and he tells you that you need to get your head on straight... eww! he is not thinking about your needs at this time. you need to let him know that he did hurt your feelings by the comment that he made. you also need to let him know that although you are married it is your choice to not feel like having sex and he should respect that. if you are tired why not try to do something that is relaxing for the both of you like massage or shower together, then if you feel froggy it could get into something better. you can't help anyone else until you help yourself and heal yourself first. you are gonna have to be a little selfish and if he has a problem with that he should get some lotion from Bath and Body Works

Answer 4

You are doing the right thing by working out your own issues but you do need to realize that he has needs as well.

Talk to him and let him know that you love him and continue to find him attractive but that yesterday was just a bad one and why.

Let him be there to support and help you heal. Perhaps the loving concern that you allow him to show you may turn to a slow burn that you choose to continue.

You can not now nor will you ever be able to everything to everyone!! Trying will only halt your own personal growth.

Deal with your own issues but do not be selfish with your self and your time. Share your life with your husband. If you just want him to listen sometimes and not give advice state that in the beginning of the conversation. Men are "fixers" by nature and allowing him the chance to help would be beneficial to you both even if it is just the chance to allow you to vent when needed.

Answer 5

your husband needs to be in counseling to so that he understands and doesn't take things personal. He sounds aggitated with you and wants to get on in life with things. no matter what you are going through do not let it take away from the closeness and intimacey that your husband desires to share with you! Men take this as a rejection and it could cause more problems for you than you already have. It is fine to work on issues but don't let it take over the relationship between you and your husband. The two of you are top priority and you cannot be everyone to everybody. Whatever happened you cannot change it but you can change the future. It is up to you how much you will let the past affect you. It is great to get help but sometimes we cannot nick pick things into parts of a thousand pieces....often this can make things more overwhelming. It sounds like he wants you to find a place in yourself to put things and is tired of it all bringing the two of you down. If you love your husband do not let anything hold the power over you in your happiness together. Let him help you carry the stress in your life and let him know that you need him. Make some quality time together and go away for a night somewhere new. Get into the here and now and together discover a different world. Life is to short to stay stuck into anything. You are the only one that can look at it differently and make the best of anything! I am very sorry that you are going through so much and I hope things get better for all concerned here......but keep your marriage strong and trust that there are good things in life no matter how bad they seem. you only have what is now and it is all up to you sweetie.

Answer 6

Heal yourself first , otherwise you will never make the relationship work.....and so what if he got a little pissy , its his right , do make such a big deal about it , if he is any kind of man at all he understands you are going through a lot right now and is doing his best to support you through it , but its ok if he gets upset once in awhile , better that than botteling it up and exploding later.

Answer 7

sometimes, when a person spends her life annulling oneself in order to please others, when one finally undergoes a healing process, one will go from one extreme to the other, that is, from selflessness to selfishness. there is nothing wrong with that, it ain't pretty but it's part of the treatment. the collateral damage is that those around that person, who are addicted to one's selflessness will go through a tremendous shock. and they sometimes deserve some sympathy, since they rarely asked for what they received - sadly, we are seldom blameless.
bottomline is: continue your therapy, if it is pushing you into conflict i is certainly doing you a world of good. nothing like cleaning the house! just understand that those around you may not like the idea of you changing - they may feel threatened by it. if you love them, try to forgive their silliness. we all get scared sometimes. and if you don't love them, well...
no one knows your husband better that you. was this event a first? are you happy with him?
you just exposed him as an insensitive ape to complete strangers, so I guess you must be really hurt but, in that case, have you let him know that? for real?
I am sorry if i sound harsh, but i have wasted countless hours pointessly counselling friends in regards to men that they should leave and simply would not (I reckon it's cause they figure they deserve to suffer) and men they enjoyed torturing and disrespecting (because they had a low opinion of themselves and wanted someone on whom the could take out their frustration).
you have to love yourself before loving other people.
wish you all the best, good luck with your treatment.

Answer 8

It was a spontaneous reaction to a bad situation. Just forget about and let it go. People get frustrated and say hurtful things for no apparent reason. Forget it, forgive him and move on - it was a mistake. If you keep dwelling on it, it will only get worse for the two of you.

If I had a nickle for every stupid thought popped into my head (and slipped out on occasion), I would be a millionaire.

Answer 9

Sounds like he needs therepy himself. You have every right not to give in and put out if you don't want too. In my opinion men need to understand women are not the same as them. If he was smart he would have made some effort and worked his way in by doing the right things to make you relax and get you in the mood also. Buy him a book on the matter, sounds like he needs it!

Answer 10

When we are hurt we owe nobody any explanation. You are going through a tough time tight now and the truth is HE should be the one comprimising with the situation. Try talking to him when both your heads are cool and you are ready to listen to eachother. Tell him how hard it is to go through therapy. It's physically, emotionally and socially exhausting!! Take it easy...