I know my husband's most private secret and it bothers me. How do I tell him I know without embarrassing him?

Question

I recently discovered that my husband, whom I have been married to for a long time, is watching and ordering porn on his computer. I did some research and discovered he has also been chatting with other girls online. I know our sex life has not been great lately, either. I know he is playing with himself when he thinks I'm asleep or gone. He is also lying about his activities when he stays up later than me. I am really worried that this can lead to something more that can end our marriage. Should I be concerned? How do I tell him without accusing him of cheating?

Answer 1

CAN lead to something? It already has.

You need to talk with him and ask him what is going on? Ask him why he no longer wants to make love to you and see what he says. That should open doors and hopefully he will be honest about his activities.

If not, let him know you already know what he's been up to and tell him you aren't trying to be judgmental, you just want to know why he feels the need to do those things when you are there to satisfy him and love him.

He is a married man and is lusting after other women, thus committing adultery in his heart ~ it's wrong. I'd say you need to get some counseling and if he won't go, you go to see how best to handle this.

And whatever you do, don't think this is your fault even though he may try to put the blame on you. If there is a problem in your marriage, then he needs to discuss them with you, not resort to sinful porn sites and then make excuses as to why he is doing it.

What he is doing is his fault, not yours. We all have choices and his aren't very wise ... hopefully you can get this worked out, just try to do everything in a loving and kind way, even if he gets angry. One of you has to act like an adult so try to get him to face the problems and get help for them.

Answer 2

Allison, he is doing this because your sex life is not meeting his needs. You need to find out what the problem is and try to fix it since you said you are worried that it could lead to something that could end your marriage. Sometimes men start with porn and chatting, but at some point the fantasy might turn into a trip to someplace that offers easy access to prostitution or (perhaps worse) women who are in desperate need of a man who can help them escape poverty. If your husband goes off on a solo vacation, then I think he will cross to a place where there is no return. Some behaviors will, with some people, escalate to a point where there is no return.

As a man, who has been around the world and already seen more than most will in a lifetime, I believe that once your husband opens some doors, he won't want to ever close them and your marriage will be in jeopardy. You can prevent this, but it will take work on your part. You will need to be willing to improve your sex life. If you are serious and want suggestions, please msg me or email. I can tell you what needs to be done. If you have kids, I think you owe it to them to at least try.

Answer 3

Allison, I hope whatever you decide, things work out for you.
I'm currently in the same situation but opposite. Found evidence that my wife is chatting with guys online and keeping it from me. However, I think our sex life is going well. So I don't know if there's a correlation there or not.

Here's why I didn't bring it up....... like you, not sure how to. Also, I feel that it's just a fantasy thing for her and I'll let it go for now til I feel otherwise. Yes, sometimes it bothers me or hurts to some extent but still, I don't think she would cheat on me. Another reason is that I found some pix that she has sent to some of the guys and it's not of her. So how can she meet them and they find that it's totally someone else. To be honest, I think my wife is about a seven and the photos she sent, those girls are about 9.5 or ten. For now, like I mentioned, I'll just consider it her fantasy play and let it go at that. It is a little close for comfort but I do trust her.

I hope things work out for you. Good luck. If you can, let me know what you decide to do and what happens.

Answer 4

Have you ever heard of emotional cheating, cause that's what hes doing, taking emotions he should be feeling towards you and wasting them. You marriage will be a less than loving one with this sort of addiction, not to mention that these porn sites aren't all free you know, so if you can figure out how hes paying for them you could open up a discussion on those grounds alone. Worry less about embarrassing him and more about his mental health. Even if you have to walk in on him and catch him in the act, this has to come out into the open and be discussed. Marriages don't work if one partner is keeping sexual secrets.
It has nothing to do with spicing up your sex life, it has everything to do with the fact that he doesn't have a partner in his fantasy life that may expect him to actually contribute to the scene. A new position or nightie isn't going to help this.

Answer 5

Chatting with other girls online can lead to serious problems, like an emotional affair that will lead to a physical affair. Obviously you have underlying problems in your marriage. Since you haven't been able to talk with him about it yet, you have some communication problems.

Sit down with him and let him know that you are aware that there are some issues in your marriage that need to be addressed. Let him know that you love him and you want to make your marriage stronger and be able to communicate more and get passion back.

Suggest marriage counseling for the two of you. If he will not participate, then you go alone. A counselor can help you with communication skills so you can better deal with the issues if you have to do it alone.

Your husband is trying to get his needs met outside of your marriage. He probably does not realize how much he is harming your relationship. The first step is honest communication, and if you are not able to sit down and be honest with each other, then a counselor can help you address those issues in a non-judgemental environment.

Good luck.

Answer 6

Allison, I completely understand your hurt and frustration. What your husband is doing is normal - to a degree. I often refer to men as "secret agents". Most men will not admit this, but they have a secret temptation world. Whether it be pornography, infidelity, or another sexual temptation they are battling. Not all men win at this war. Men are often at war or battle with something in their life. They find it difficult to ask for help or guidance (in particular, from a professional) as they look at this as a sign of weakness. You and I know this is not true, but they do not. Men are very primal and actually very easy to understand. Their needs are more basic than ours. My advice to you: even though this is a somewhat normal thing for a guy to do - I believe you need to discuss this openly. Part of the reason men often fail in their battles (sexual temptation or otherwise) is because they are fighting alone. Sometimes you need to build a strong "army". However, you will need to this at the right time and the right way. Your first instinct may be to confront him immediately, or as soon as possible. Don't. Think it over. Meditate. Be calm. Wait for the right time. Tell him your concerns. Make an ACTION plan to improve your sex life immediately. Remember, men need to feel loved, desired, and respected. If you aren't with your husband sexually, how can he feel any of these things from you? Now, your husband may not be doing what he needs to be doing, but it needs to start somewhere. We can often change our relationships just by one person. In other words, if the two of you are dancing, and one of you changes the steps, the other will need to follow. Make sense? To be frank, I would be especially concerned about the chat with other women. He is on the edge and this can lead to meeting with women, etc. Grab the reins of your marriage and make every effort to make this work, if this is truly what you want. Also, don't forget about your needs as well. Why have you not been desiring your husband? It could be due to hormonal issues or it could be due to emotional issues. Maybe you don't feel as close anymore? If this is the case, come up with an ACTION plan as well. Remember, love is an ACTION word. Act on each other. Being married is the hardest job to ever have. It takes work. He is obviously reaching for something that he isn't currently getting. Re-evaluate your relationship honestly and make some proactive and positve changes. Good luck!

Answer 7

You fall into one of two camps on this...
the women who will accept it, and those that won't.
You already know which camp you fall into, and your morality is not negotiable even if you'd like it to be, because it will bother you forever.
If you can deal with it, then put up with it and say nothing, or involve yourself somehow in his porno play.
As for the chatting, why don't you say out of the blue some remarks about where you believe the fantasy-sex lines should be drawn. Such as: "Do you agree that fantasy be limited as to not include real people in real time?" You don't even have to say that you have seen what he is doing, he will know it, and yes he will probably blush with embarrassment, but you will have gotten your point across, and he will probably realize that he has crossed the line of acceptable behavior.
If you can't deal with the porn, that could be a dealbreaker as he probably won't stop.

Answer 8

You and your husband could talk to a counselor. You could get really p!ssed and leave, calling him a pervert. OR

You could set down like adults and talk about it. I don't know who's at fault for the lack luster bedroom time. But if it's you I would say be glad that's all he's doing. And if it's him tell him to save some of that for you.

Men are physical, was the deed is done so are they, most don't want to talk, cuddle, plus the deed releases a chemical which puts most of them to sleep.

He's not trying to hook up with anyone, he's just looking for that release. Most men are less worried about whether the moods right or if your even in the mood, than just coming to that final climax.

I don't know all the details but to be frank, if all he's doing is whacking off, let him, you'll never find a guy telling is lady to stop playing with herself !!!!

You may try to ACT out some of yours and his fantasies to spice things up.

Just let him know if he take his show on the road with other woman, to leave the checkbook because his name won't be on it tomorrow .

Hope this helps

P.S. no hate mail from the guys or girls please ;}

Answer 9

Everyone "plays" with themselves. Thats totally normal.If you say u don't I would think you are kidding yourself. The chatting is the only thing that would concern me. Just remember if you don't put effort into your sex life than something is going to be missing. Thats what leads to trouble. When your relationship first started I imagine the sex was great and so was your marriage. It goes hand in hand. Good luck.

Answer 10

I will speak so very HONEST here... As long as you can look at yourself in the mirror & realize that YOU as the other 1/2 of this relationship, has a responsibility to the "marriage" - not to him & not to yourself, but to your marriage - then there is a start!!! What would you do to save your marriage? ANYTHING? do you have boundries? do you put yourself above the marriage? What I'm trying to get at here is the fact that we tend to neglect the fact that when with someone, it isn't about US - it's about the marriage / relationship! Treat it as a seperate entity & you will win every time! Think about this part first & if you want more advice, look me up! Because of what you have discovered, you can either open up a whole new area of your life with this man or you can chose to walk away & always wonder what could have been!