What should i do??????

Question

My partner lost her sister last year,and ever since she has been a really evil person,with her mouth.She see's a counciller every week for it,but im at my wits end. When she has a drink she turns in to this person i don't like.She gets really angry,and say's verbal things about me that really hurt me. I love her but don't like the person she's become. I can't talk to any one about it as my girl go's mad if i talk to my friends in private about how im feeling,as she thinks i should talk to them in front of her.I need some advice on what to do, i love her but can't take any more of this anger,but don't want to hurt her any more,please some one help.

Answer 1

Tell her you love her but she's not person she used to be and fell in love with. You don't like this new person and if she doesn't try to change your gonna drop her before you start to hate her and you never want to hate her.

Answer 2

What a shame losing her sister must be a nightmare. Shes still grieving shes going through the motions sadness at the loss usually followed by anger she probably dosent mean to take it out on you but if your the closest person to her that will happen, you are the stronger person here and you ve got to keep in the back of your mind the reason shes acting so out of character, shes had a massive disrupt in her life she now has to cope with the fact shes never going to see her sister again if you feel the need to talk to someone you can always ring the Samaritans in confidence, she will get better eventually your just going to have to be patient, if it gets to much for you try going for a long walk just to clear your head and give her some space to calm down, dont give up on her keep in the back of your mind she dosent really mean what shes saying shes just lashing out, shes seeing a councillor so that has to be a positive step she obviously realises she needs help,when we enter into a relationship with someone we have to take the good with the bad and if we love someone we carnt just get up and leave when the going gets tough, this situation will get better eventually I know its a cliche but time really is a great healer where death is concerned as you start to move away from the grief your memories do keep you going, good luck to you and your partner i really do hope things work out for you x

Answer 3

Anger = pain = fear.
She is grieving and one of the phases of grief is anger. Research the grieving process and you will see that it is normal and you will be able to be supportive to her.
I can't remember all of them so you'll have to look it up:
1. Shock
2. denial
3. anger
4. acceptance.
There are, I think 2 or 3 more and I think the order might be different as well.
She hasn't "become" anyone else. She's still the same person just going through the death of a loved one. Maybe, speak to someone at a funeral home or a local support unit at your hospital. They will be able to help you understand the process.
To K. Rowley - one day someone you love will die and then you will hope you have someone who doesn't "drop you because you're not the person they fell in love with"....Live and learn, live and learn.

Answer 4

Have you gone in for couples counseling together? If she refuses, it may be the end of the line because she is saying she doesn't want to work on it.

If nothing else, you have to begin drawing lines. (Examples: No alcohol in the house; If you won't go to couples counseling, I will talk to friends to see what advice they can give me. Which do you want - it is your choice)

Maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea to talk to all your friends with her there, also. Ground rules are that she can't say mean things. If she does and you call her on it, she has to apologize.

I don't know why she seems stuck in this part of her life unless she feels guilty about her sister's death.

Answer 5

II understand that this must be a really horrible thing to happen. what is going on, is she is probably taking it out on the person she is closest to.

I think you should sit her down and gently tell her, that while you understand that she is hurting, and you are trying to be there for her as you want her to be happy, You are beginning to feel like she doesnt love and appreciate you anymore, as she is really angry and hurtful/controlling sometimes.

Perhaps, if you haevnt said anything about it, then she doesnt realise how badly she is affecting you. She is dealing with grief, but it was months ago that this accident occurred, and she while she is rightly still devastated, she should not be continuing to hurt one of the people who love her the most.

Try not put any pressure on her, or she might crack, just say that you were willing to take hre moodswings for a few months if it meant that she would heal and feel happy again, but she doesnt seem to be getting better, and she has continued to make you feel bad about yourself to the point where your feeling hurt, alone and scared about your relationship.

If put this way, she should concede that she has responsibilities to you, and she should be making you happy not unhappy.

Maybe try and get her to open up about the grief she still has over her sister. Talk to her about it and allow her to break down. Sometimes, if people feel that they are ex[ected to be getting over something, then it actually serves as a reason NOT to get over somethiung, and they dwell in misery, and spurt anger at those that they feel the most for.

She probably knows that she is being bad to you deep down, but she wont admit it untill you stand up for yourself and tell her in the softest way possible, that you CANT take it anymore, you have reached your limit, and while you are still willing to help and comfort her when she feels down, your not willing to suffer or be embarrassed and hurt for her amusement anymore.

I know you love her, but this controlling attitude is wrong. You should have friends that you can tell anything to, and they should never go back to her and repeat anything you are saying. If you have friends like that then brilliant. Still confide in them and keep them close to you. If they are friends of you both, then you need to get seperate friends from your partner.

Believe ,e I have made that same mistake before, where my friends became mine and my girlfriends friends. When we split up, I lost a lot of them, as I felt I couldnt talk to them as I did before. the ones I have now (although its only a couple) will always be on my side and be myfriends. They are MY support network and I will continue to have them their when i enter into another relationship.

Do something now, and try and rescue this relationship before it reaches the point of no return, and all you are both left with is hate and spite.. Good Luck Sweetie x

Answer 6

i lost my brother and sister and i do understand her also my mum 2 years ago did the counselling too ,i will tell you you have to be cruel to be kind to her ,she is very very angry and she is going though the grieving process she is hurting so bad and i know you are too.i would do this first she needs to see what she is doing to her self and the people she loves ,when she is sober [tape her the next time she is drunk but what ever you do don't argue with her if she says black is white agree with her then when she is sober let her say her usual sorrys and it will not happen again etc you must let her listen to the tape of her self and it willmake her realise what she is doing to all of you and keep the tape and keep reminding her this is what you sister would not want tellif she loves her let her go and have some peace for all .good luck and god bless you silver fox.

Answer 7

I'm affraid you'll have to be cruel to be kind and let your g/f know that you wont put up with her verbal abuse and if she cant pull herself together you're leaving. With a bit of luck she may see whats happening and snap out of it. I think your girl is just full of anger because her sister has been taken away from her and there was nothing that she could've done to stop that.

Answer 8

Hi, have you both tried not drinking when you go out?

I know what your saying about needing someone to talk too. Im in the same situation although mine is a little different. But i recently told my girlfriend i had spoken to one of my friends about our relationship and my girlfriend was not impressed. But as you said, i also told her i needed someone to talk too. My girlfriend tells her work mates everything about our relationship, the problems mainly, but just doesnt understand that i also need to talk to someone outside of our relationship. My girlfriend too tells me she would rather be there when i talk about my feelings etc, but i know for sure that theres certain things i would not say incase of hurting her feelings. I take my frustration out on my friend, rather than on my girlfriend. When we DO talk about our issues my girlfriend gets all defensive and tells me i woul be better off without her, yet at the same time begging me to stay!
I would suggest to you that you DO talk to someone. Make sure its a really good friend who you can trust and limit it to only one other person. You dont have to tell your girlfriend that you talk to him or her if it's only going to cause more problems between you both. It IS hard i know,. But if you keep quiet and and do not confide in someone then your feelings of frustration, prehaps anger, hurt etc will all bulid up inside you and will one day burst, and its usually at the one person you are angry at, your partner.
If you want someone to talk too, whose a stranger and i can not judge you or your partner as i do not know either of you then email me. It helps to talk, even if you just need someone to listen.

x Sarah

Answer 9

I can't really answer your question and I feel really sorry for your partners loss but that is so unfair to say u cant talk to your friends about your feelings - but then again she can't stop u either!!
I've known people who have lost close family members and become really nasty like this and it's obviously a mental things so hopefully the councillor can help!

Answer 10

She needs serious help. Talk to her about it when she is sober. It will take time, but stand by her if you truly love her. Ultimately time will only tell which direction this relationship will go, and a lot of it will depend on how your partner copes with her loss, and if she is willing to change this present attitude.

Answer 11

thats your partner you got with her for better or worse you stuck by her side when her sister passed away you need to go to counsling with her and let her know how you feel shes mad because her sister died and there is no one else she can get upset at and since you are by her side through thick and thin your taking the brunt of the abuse its normal go through these stages shes just hurting is all but let her know how you feel thats called communication if theres none between you 2 it will destroy you guys good luck