Marriage or divorce advice, please... what would you do?

Question

I'll try to make this short.. Married for about 4 1/2 years and I've fallen out of love with him long ago...

1. It's been 8 months since we've had sex, this time around (but he lets me swing, BUT makes me feel guilty about it, sometimes)
2. He's also lazy around the house with most things (but had been making some dinners since we had our baby, 4 months ago).
3. Doesn't back me up with the kids when I'm having a real tough time with them. (kids from my 1st marriage)
4.He is also not consistant with them and gives in easily to get them off his back.
5. Never spends quality time with my son. (mainly just criticizes him.)
6. Makes fun of my own views, sometimes.
7. Very messy around the house.
8. I've threatened many times for divorce and each time he got better, but then went back to his old ways.
9. Selfish. (ie- keeping the house at a comfy level for himself, while I'm extremely cold)
10. Treats me like I can't make my own decisions sometimes or speak for myself.

All in all, he is a kind man, but there are a few other complaints as well. I'm out of love with him and want a divorce because I'm very unhappy..... but after "talking" it over with him, last night- I feel like maybe I'm being selfish. What do you think? Please give me your honest opinions?

I have talked and begged him to change. Even wrote down what I'd love him to do to me one time. And as far as child support, I told him I'd let him see his daughter anytime he wants. AND that we could try to deal with child support out of court. I told him I would do whatever it takes to try and make it a smooth transition for him and the kids.

Also, when I swing, the kids never know where I'm going or what I'm doing.

Ok, just for info sake, my first husband was extremely abusive to myself and our kids. That's why I divorced him.

Answer 1

Okay.... What can help you both is to read the book that took me from gloomy to peachy. It's called "The Feeling Good Handbook" by Dr. David Burns. It's mainly to help folks with depression or anxiety, but it's soooooo much more than that. There's a section in there that helps with relationships of all kinds. It's all about listening, caring, and sharing. If you both master the thought processes and communicate your feelings, you should be able to resolve your differences through some kind of compromise and agreement. You make it sound like there's potential there. The book is only about $15.00 and is one of the best I've ever gotten. It literally saved my life from suicidal depression. If it can do that, then saving a marriage ought to be a piece of cake.

Answer 2

Honey, Controlling, jealous, and manipulative doesn't really tell us WHY you want to leave him. I don't know a single spouse out there that doesn't control situations, gets jealous from time to time, and manipulates the other person to some degree. That's part of marriage. The other part is trusting the other person enough that their manipulations are for the best. This all started out when you found he'd lied to you while you were pregnant? Did he lie, or did he simply not mention something painful or embarrassing? Did he deliberately try to deceive you, or was he trying to protect you? Regardless, none of this is grounds for divorce. If he hasn't committed physical/sexual abuse, adultery, or abandonment....a marriage is binding over any little squabbles the two of you may have. So I suggest you bury the hatch about these "lies" he told FIVE YEARS AGO. And, if he's being temperamental, you simply remind him that you're his loving wife and that he should be nice to you. Good Luck!

Answer 3

Well you mention swinging and a 1st husband. You sound like a "grass is always greener on the other side" kind of person. Let's say you get a divorce from him - then what? On to the next guy and have a kid with him too? If you're going to repeat this terrible cycle then at least get your tubes tied so you don't bring any more kids into this mess.

You mention all that is wrong with him but how many husbands will you marry and divorce before you take a look at yourself and say, "Maybe it's me?!?!"

Answer 4

You "swing", not such a good example for your children...
Your marraige is lacking intimacy, which is extremely important...
He never makes a change for the long term...
Not so good with your children...
Doesn't treat you well...

I believe divorce is a last option, but c'mon, sounds like there is no happiness in this marriage at all. You can't stay married to a man just because he is kind. Good luck. I hope you find the right answer for yourself.

EDIT: IN RESPONSE TO ASKER'S COMMENT THAT CHILDREN DO NOT KNOW YOU SWING...EVENTUALLY THEY WILL. I DON'T OPPOSE YOU DOING WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY, BUT IT'S NOT A GOOD EXAMPLE OF WHAT MARRIAGE SHOULD BE ONCE YOUR KIDS ARE OLD ENOUGH TO REALIZE WHAT'S REALLY GOING ON. IT'S BETTER YOU BE AN EXAMPLE OF A HAPPY MARRIAGE, AND IF YOU CAN'T BE, JUST BE THE EXAMPLE OF A HAPPY WOMAN.

Answer 5

Just because he lets you swing does not mean that he likes it.
Maybe he would just rather be aware of it instead of being treated like a chump and your doing it behind his back.
Either way, it seems that he is resentful and that both of you lack respect for one another.
I think that it would benefit you to take a few steps back and look at everything without such a victim's mentality.
Maybe if you showed him some respect by being faithful to him the things that you are looking for in him will begin to manifest.
Please do not get me wrong and think that I am coming at you with a judgmental point of view because that is not where I am coming from.
I am strictly giving you an unbiased view from what you have written and I am trying to express what you may not be able to see from the inside.
What I suggested was nothing more than a what if and maybe this might result and nothing more.
Good luck!

Answer 6

SInce you had fallen out of love with him, let call it a day, be true to oneself, what is marriage without a love in between, dun waste your unhappy life there, life aint long, it actually quite short, so to speak.

Get over with it, and all your 10 pointers shown will be gone, free from all worry and unhappiness. Just do it, no use ponder over yes or no, it a definite yes, get a divorce out of it.

You are his wife, not his maid, without respect, he is worst than a stranger, it kind of like living in a house with a stranger that you know but yet dun know how to deal with it.

Take it from here, stay single, learn your lesson 1 and 2, until the next one come along, apply it with your experience. Sometime people are just ignorance, they wish to seat still and just see what is the outcome, but by then, time have past, you won't have much energy left. In life, change is inevitable.

Answer 7

Sounds like the last guy I was with. Exactly like him, in fact.

When trying to talk with him about getting it together, he always managed to turn the conversation around on me and make me feel like I was the one who needed work.

From your list of complaints, I wouldn't say you are being selfish.

It's hard to get out of unhappy relationships. But you have admitted you're not happy. The best day of my life was when I made the decision to kick him out on the curb (quite literally, almost). It was the hardest decision I ever had to make, and I literally felt as though I was abandoning my child. But my life got 100% better!

He doesn't sound like much of a partner, a friend, or a father.

This is why there are so many crummy men in the world who treat women like they don't have a brain and take advantage of us. BECAUSE WE LET THEM.

Answer 8

Hi just me!
Divorce is never the answer, unless he beats you.If he's submissive when it comes to threats, let him know that you both need family Counceling.You are not just being selfish, you are hurt and lacking in love and comfort.So, it's natural for you to feel the way you do.Don't be so hard on yourself, yet, be hard on yourself.What I mean by this is, don't give up on your Vows. If he doesn't think that you can make decisions, then make the decision for both of you to see a family Councelor.And tell him that if he doesn't want to lose you that he needs to comply.Follow through with this and don't give up.You need to stop Swinging! This is Adultery and can only hurt your relationship even more.You're in my prayers.And please seek the help that you need.Sincerely, in Jesus, Pastor B

Answer 9

With a smile like yours, that's all needed for me to fix you dinner--for free--and I'll even do the dishes!!

For existant reasons BEFORE you met hubby--he's delved deep into a state of clinical depression. I'd feel sincerely sad for the guy--he needs treatable help. Most likely a combination of therapy, coupled with medication (the latter surely is an unplesant journey he must take for any recovery chances).

Swing? Why don't you live next door to me? Life is unfair!!!

OK...it wouldn't hurt you to seek some therapeutic counseling...maybe have your son tag along, too.

Divorce scares fathers because of the sting child support payments bear on finances. Sadly, this turns into ugly acts of financial revenge exacted by the ex-wives......and can be devastating to a clinically depressed hubby.

A resonance of measured understanding and compassion from you is greatly needed here---and you DO have control and power of this!!

It IS too bad we don't live next door: I can whiz buzz around a BBQ grill......tempt you to jump over the backyard fence.

Answer 10

So its been 8 mos since you've had sex with him, but you'll go out and swing. You expect him to stay home providing daycare for YOUR kids on top of cleaning and cooking while you're out getting your kicks elsewhere. YES you're being selfish and he's being *passive aggressive.*

Put some energy into your relationship and appreciate everything he does.

If you just say out loud, "He watches the kids while I go out swinging and the house wasnt clean when I got back from having sex with other people." You'll hopefully see how ridiculously selfish you're being.