16 years ago my wife and I went our seperate ways., she took my children, It has been an extremely difficult and strained time. I haven't been allowed to stay in cantact with my kids, And NO, I haven't done anything wrong, that's just the mother and her family I have to deal with. I'm trying , I'm so trying. I wonder what they think, what goes through their minds., Their older now, I don't know what to say or do, I'm very afraid. ???????????????? Talk to me.
2007-06-06 17:59:29 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Do you know how to reach them? If so, try calling to test the water. Wouldn't hurt to apologize for not being there. Yes, there were circumstances that kept you away, but the kids may not understand. If you didn't help support them, then that's another area to offer up an apology and ask to start over and get to know them. Best of luck.
2007-06-06 18:05:09 · answer #1 · answered by Stef 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Everyone is going to ask you why you waited so long to try to make contact. I have a crazy ex that does everything in her power to ruin any relationship I have with our daughter. I was just lucky enough to have the money to hire a lawyer to get some visitation. It was one of the few times I ever had enough to do that. Everyones situation is different. You can second guess yourself into doing nothing or the wrong thing. The bottom line is that your kids have probably been told all kinds of horrible things about you and they probably hate you. You haven't made it any better by staying away so like others have said, it most likely won't be easy.
Still, even at that, what have you got to lose by trying? All you have to do is send a letter or email saying something like "I would like the chance to meet you" or something like that. Let them know that you are open to a meeting. They are probably curious about you too. It might be the start of nothing...or it could be the start of everything that matters to you. Only one way to find out. Good luck!
2007-06-07 01:22:08 · answer #2 · answered by J D 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Contact your children. Afraid or not - just do it. Be prepared for some hard questions, anger, tears and all manner of emotions. Be prepared to take some of the responsibility for not being around - regardless of how difficult your ex may have made it, you DO bear some of the responsibility and your kids will resent it if you don't own up to that.
Focus on sharing with them that you've missed them and want to begin building a relationship with them. Be patient with them, answer their questions as honestly as you can, but no gratuitous mom-bashing. You can acknowledge that you and your ex both made mistakes without either of you looking like a monster.
Don't expect them to forgive, forget and pretend you were never gone after one or three or even six months. If you start feeling frustrated, swallow it. If you feel the urge to push it, don't. If you truly love them, you'll be willing to stay connected at whatever level your kids are comfortable with until THEY are ready for more.
Good luck to you and your kids.
2007-06-07 01:15:51 · answer #3 · answered by galvanic_fantasy 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I went through that with my first set of kids . Get ready for a shocker when these grown young people give you a hug and they have whiskers that prick your face there nothing like as you remember . Don't be afraid the kids are going to remember things that you forgot about most of them the good times that you guys shared . Don't even bring up the mother unless your asking if she is OK there going to tell you everything anyway just let bygones be bygones and keep a smile on your face . My reunion worked out great hope yours does to good luck
2007-06-07 01:23:49 · answer #4 · answered by dad 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
OK, now that you have admitted that you're scared, you have to stop making this about YOU! This is not about you, or even about your ex and her family. This is about the kids and the father they were deprived of having for 16 years. The first thing you need to do is to decide if that fear you have is stronger than the need and desire to repair the relationship with your kids. If not, then you need to make the initial contact with them, and try to mend what was broken 16 years ago. Now, you have to expect them to be hurt, and disappointed that you never fought harder to protect your rights to see them. They will more than likely reject you at first. But keep trying. If you really want this, it's gonna take time and effort on your part to mend what 16 years broke apart.
2007-06-07 01:12:46 · answer #5 · answered by mysticprincess74 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
16 years is a long time to not be able to summon up the balls to to place seeing your kids ahead of the stress of dealing with the ex and her family.
Some might even call it an excuse.
As a former child of a parent using a similar approach, I'd suggest you not even try it. Kids are not that stupid or easily manipulated.
If, however, you have come to realize what a colossal error in judgment you have made, accept the blame yourself and are able to openly and honestly admit it to those kids, you may have a chance at an adult relationship with them.
I sincerely wish you all the luck in the world. And if you have spent the last 16 years continually fighting in court to see those kids, I apologize for my earlier comments.
2007-06-07 01:15:38 · answer #6 · answered by flopstock 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Man this is a terrible thing to happen! What happened legally that you werent allowed to see them? Seems like you should have had some legal recourse, if you didnt do anything wrong. Im sure this ways alot on your mind, beleive me it does theirs too. Its gonna be tough but at some point i feel like you need to make the first move to get into contact with your kids. There is a bond there that cannot be separated by space and time. Rediscover and find that if they are willing.Im sure youre not willing to live with this for the rest of your life. Just go do it. good luck. Hope all works for u!!!!!!
2007-06-07 01:06:30 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
you should definitely attempt to contact your children. they are thinking about you and wanting to know the truth. their mom may have fed them a lot of lies about you that you need to clear up. your children (no matter how old they are) need to know they have a father that loves them. if you know how to reach even one of them (not through the mother) please do so. tell that child that you love him/her, miss him/her, and would like to talk sometime on the phone. at some point, after you have developed a telephone connection with at least one of them, try to make the next move (seeing them in person). play this by ear. don't force a meeting or come across as pushy. just talk, speak words of love, and ask for forgiveness if you have done anything at all that you would like to make restitution for. other than that, get to know them, and hopefully you'll enjoy many years as family...don't let any more time elapse. you've lost many good years already..best wishes.
2007-06-07 01:12:53 · answer #8 · answered by diamond heart 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would pursue trying to get in contact with them...just don't expect anything. They may have been told bad things about you for the last 16 years by their family...you have to be ready to hear no from them. You'll always wonder if you don't try! Would you rather hear no...or wonder for the rest of your life is they would have said yes to a relationship?
2007-06-07 01:05:12 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
From a wife of a man whose mom left in the divorce when he was a child, yes, there is baggage and hurt feelings and feelings like she doesn't really love him, etc. but I know that if you put forth the effort and started calling, emailing etc. and wasn't flaky about it, they would realize you do care and you could start to have agreat relationship. I'm sure deep down they want it bad.
2007-06-07 01:13:01 · answer #10 · answered by Serena G 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋