Why is my husband SO upset because I don't want to have sex?

Question

I told him I needed time to myself and that I didn't feel like having sex for a few days, I'm very stressed at work and depressed and he always told me he didn't want me to have sex with him unless I really wanted to, so I told him, I didn't want to, and now he's very sad and depressed and gloomy and sulking. He said it's because his ex wife told him she didn't want to have sex with him anymore and then left him 2 weeks after that. I have been very affectionate, and hugged and kissed him and assured him that I love him and won't leave him. Do you think that's the real reason he's sad or is it something else?

Answer 1

It sounds like he has emotional baggage. My husband was really worried like that when we first got married because his mom left him when his parents got divorced. I would talk about the real meaning of his feelings with him. I bet it would help. Also, and this is two years of marriage talking, guys need sex a LOT! Unfortunately the only way to keep him really actually happy, especially if you're young in the relationship, is to just have sex with him. Give him a quickie and then go to bed. It will be just as good as long as you have the real deal often enough as well. I understand depression. I have it too and was pregnant on top of that and my husband went through a hard time. Just keep communicating. Guys want you to be interested in sex. It's half the thing that satisfy's their intense desire that guys have for it. Just try to communicate well, have sex often, and quickies when you really don't want to have sex. Maybe you need to cut down on your workload too to save the relationship from going downhill. Once you've stopped having sex more frequently it's hard to get back in the grove and the love can flicker out. It's worth it to keep the flame going. Trust me. I wish I could go back and do some things over. One last thing, It sounds like he might also feel neglected. Make sure you do nice things for him or at least always validate him and tell him a lot how much you love him so much, etc. and the things you like about him. Hope this helps! I wrote a novel here. :-)

Answer 2

One of the most important things to remember is that men don't think like women. A woman would probably understand that a man needed some time to think or regroup due to stress. A man on the other hand being the creatures that we are would feel rejected and if not totally sure of himself would probably start to think that you are not turned on by him anymore, or several other thoughts that run along the same idea.

Even though men seem to be the stronger, when it comes to matters of the heart they are really the weaker sex and suffer more, though he might keep it hidden.

My advise is to buy him some flowers, secretly men do like it, and sit down with him and explain in detail why you are so stressed out and reassure him again that you love him and it's not that you don't want him but right now you are fighting battles within and you need the time to get your head back together. Even though you love him so much making love to him would distract you, like his wonderful love making always does, and right now, just for a few days you need to keep your mind clear to straighten out these problems so you can once again display your devotion to him and your marriage.

Good luck. Ed

Answer 3

OK, here it is. Your husband showed concern for you when he said for you not to push yourself to be intimate unless you really wanted to, right? OK, did you think that extended beyond the time he said it! It was isolated, dear, and yet he meant it when he said it! Now I don't know how long you have been married, but a balance can be had after a while, though men generally will never handle being rejected (and that is how he interprets it no matter what you say or do) and this will never change. Bottom line, the more you don't want it the more he will, it's control pure and simple. Oh and work reasons will never be accepted. All the best at achieving a balance.

Answer 4

There are two major issues:

1. His prior experience with the ex-wife.

2. Males tend to view marriage as a sexual contract where-by you guarantee each other exclusive sexual access and ready sexual services.

The second part may not be something consciously affecting his thinking but it's there. When you say "no" without making him comfortable that the "no" is very temporary and doesn't mean that there is another man in the background somewhere, his apprehension level goes up.

Depending on his level of aggressiveness, this can result in anything from sulking to him seeing it as a reason to cheat to violence and/or divorce proceedings.

Is this right or wrong?

Not sure it really matters, but if you want to salvage this I suggest trying to communicate what's wrong, FIX what's wrong, find some other way to provide for his sexual needs, and try to be honest...

Answer 5

Sounds to me like he's a guy struggling with the "right thing to do" vs. his gut instinct that something is wrong because of the treatment he got from his first wife. Are you going to leave him? If not, keep doing what you're doing and keep telling him, "I am not your first wife. I am not going to leave you." But you're going to have to have a lot of patience. He's been hurt and saying no to sex (or maybe anything else as well) is another blow to his wounded ego.
I hope he learns to trust again. And I hope you're trustworthy.
On your stress and depression. If it continues please seek some outside help. Your marriage could be providing you with the relief from stress and depression. Are you sure that you are being completely honest with yourself and that there is no other reason for your lack of interest in sex?
You might be pleasantly surprised were you to set aside, for a while, your own issues and give of yourself to your husband. Maybe you'll even find that it relieves some of your stress and you'll have some fun.

Answer 6

You've flipped the switch.

Your man thinks sex is a great thing, but you've just told him it isn't. He will never get that out of his mind. Every time you have sex with him from NOW ON, he will remember this, and believe you are just humoring him....In his mind you will be saying to yourself: "C'mon, let's get it over with, then I'm off the hook for a while".

You tell him you're stressed at work, so you don't want sex. That's like saying I'm too thirsty to have a drink. Even worse, everyone's job is stressful, and it never gets better. So, let's see, more stress in the future means even less sex!

Looks like he's been screwed over by 1 woman already, and he's gearing up for number 2.

I expect him to find someone else to have sex with if you won't. And I, for one, won't blame him.

Answer 7

Sometimes people equate sex with love. For a man, to turn down an opportunity of sex is the equivalent of rejection. Stand your ground with him, but continue to reassure him that you do love him and that you're not leaving him. You obviously need to figure out what is going on in your head, and find ways to deal with it. Tell him also, that for women, it is natural to lose your sex drive when under constant stress, and that he just needs to be patient. Your husband needs to learn that love and sex can be 2 very different things, and that intimacy can be shared in different ways. Its hard to want to do almost anything when your emotionally drained. For you, you need to look at what is stressing you at work. Is it a situation that can be changed? Is it temporary? If not, you may want to look for work in a less stressful environment. And what's depressing you? Perhaps you should talk to your doctor about what your feeling. You need to determine whether the things that are making you down are things that are in your power to change, if not, let them go. If you have no control over them, forget about them. No point in worrying about the things you can't do anything about. Leave it to the universe to work out. Also, nurture yourself. Take a nice warm bath. Paint your toe-nails, or get pampered somewhere. Do what you can to make your lfe happier, because when your happy, the people around you are happy. Keep Smiling :)

Answer 8

Guys find sex a huge stress releaser so they don't understand that women don't necessarily see it that way, at least not all the time. Women feel the need to unwind and find de-stressing in other ways and sometimes being alone is one way to do that. He just needs to grow up a little and understand men and women have different needs emotionally and if can just relax about this you will be a better sex partner when you're more relaxed. If he gives you that time he will get what he wants too. It just won't be right this minute.

Answer 9

Sex and love makes people do strange things! In discussing your sex life, an ex should not be in any of those sentences! But on the flip side sex shouldn't rule a marriage - imagine you two are well into your 80s and maybe sex isn't it the picture - do you not love each other anymore? Insecure people don't deal well with rejection and in my experience when my husband tells me to be straight forward and I am, it never ends well for me either!

Answer 10

I know how much men need sex. Apart from the physical frustation they feel hurt and rejected when you refuse them sex and I don't want my husband to feel like that. He looks after me and I want to look after him.

When we got married I told him I would never refuse him sex and I never have. He really appreciates this and is devoted to me.

Even if you are tired its no big deal to give him a few minutes for a quickie. Afterwards all stress seems to drain out of him and he becomes relaxed, happy and more loving.

Be a bit more giving. You will reap the benefits.

.