newlyweds and miserable?

Question

ok heres the deal, i got married to my bf of five years this march, things were not good beofre the marriage money wise but mentally good. he does a lot for me and always puts me first most of the time but beofre we got married he promised he would get his stuff together. he had a back injury three years agao and it has gotten progressively worse, anways he cant work now and i ams tuck paying for everything and it is just way too hard, i am literally sick with stress i get stomaches all the time and i think im depressed. i do love him a lot but it feels liek he isnt doing enough to get his back fixed, at the same time he is taking serious pain killers and i think he may need to go to rehab. im only 25 and i know im married and it was my decision and i have to work through it but sometimes i think life is too short and u gotta do what makes u happy i met this guy at work and hereminds me that i do deserve to be happy, he feels so bad for me.and said he would do anything for me.

Answer 1

You're contemplating cheating while your husband is disabled? Sounds like you need to do some serious soul searching. And if you do decide to bump uglies with this new guy do your husband a favor and leave him first so he doesn't catch whatever you get since you "love him a lot."

Answer 2

Stay away from the guy at work. Any guy that would try to come between husband and wife has no morals, and will only cause you trouble. Be thankful you aren't married to THAT guy--he would cheat on you.

Your husband. I have worked in the past as an occupational therapist and have some ideas. He needs to get his health squared away so he can get back to work. Some physical therapy just might help, maybe some surgery even. He can't expect you to carry all the load, especially considering your young ages. Either during or after therapy, he needs to start training for a new job that he can do that is easier on a bad back. I'm thinking of computer jobs, maybe a medical technician type job (pharmacy tech for example,) or something of the sort. He should look into some careers at a local community college. If he refuses to learn new job skills or look for meaningful work, and only wants to sit around taking drugs, you have a real problem. Sit him down, talk to him, tell him of your concern for his future and the future of the marriage. He is not being fair to you expecting you to pull all the load. Tell him he has until the end of the month to get an appointment with a rehab doctor, and once in rehab he has two months to decide on career training and be enrolled in classes this August (assuming he has no skills right now that could get him a suitable job.) Remind him that a successful marriage requires equal effort. If he refuses to do anything but continue sitting around, you need a marriage counselor, even if you have to go by yourself. Worst case scenario, things don't work out because he won't make the effort. Even if it comes to that, stay away from the guy at work. No decent man would try to steal someone's wife. Never forget that if he would cheat WITH you, he's capable of cheating ON you. Never forget that. A final question: why do you attract such bummy men? Think carefully about that one too.


Kent in SD

Answer 3

Dangerous, dangerous. When this guy says he'll do anything for you he probobly means that he'd sleep with you if you wanted but he dosen't really care about you or your issues. Marriage is hard, much harder than most people think it is and I can empathise with your situation. It get's especially complicated if he can't work because of his back. You first off need to tell him how you feel, being open is pretty important, even if you don't think he wants to hear it or you don't want to hurt his feelings it's better to talk with him about it than ignore it and resent him or be miserable. If he can't do manual labor can he get a job in customer service or something where he can sit in a chair all day? or even one at home? The pain killers issue is bad too becuase you don't know the severity of the pain he's experiencing so you don't know if what he's taking is excessive. I would ask a medical professional about that, keep a log of how many he takes every day for a week and then call someone and ask if that's normal. Lastly, life is short but you made the decision to spend yours with him and that means doing everything you can to make this work, try and remember why you fell in love with him and why you married him in the first place. You just need to take the fist step and talk with him, good luck.

Answer 4

I think you should stand by your husband, back problems can be quite severe. And it takes a while for recovery even if he gets surgical treatment. I know it gets hard and you feel like giving up, but don't. Too many people take marriage so lightly, they forget that it is not only a commitment you make to each other, but to God. It is a very serious bond. And you never know what tomorrow may bring, you may end up depending on him. We are not promised perfect lives, it is not going to be easy all the time. Please, be patient and do not make him feel any worse than he already does. If you have found someone who loves you and would do anything he can for you count your blessings. Many people go through their whole lives without this type of love.

Answer 5

It seems to me you are stuck between a rock and a hard spot. I firmly believe in trying your best to make a marriage work. I have been divorced and now remarried to a wonderful man. I married at 18 divorced at 20 and married someone else at 22. I know that sounds bad. But anyway. I tried really hard in my first marriage. I talked to him about the situation and let him know that I couldn't do it anymore. After all his broken promises I finally had to step up and do for me. The only bad thing was I was 800 miles away from home. He moved me that far but I got my money straight and got my life right with God and now I am happily married woman. We just had our one year anniversary and are 8 weeks pregnant. I guess my advise for you is to do what your heart leads you to do. If you truly love this man then put one hundred percent into making it work and make sure you talk to him and let him know whats going on. But if you can't make it work then move on with your life. Life is short and you should spend it being happy. Also, remember the first year is always the hardest. Good luck with your decision and I hope it all works out!

Answer 6

It is quite obvious you were not mature enough to get married in the first place. Quite obvious you were playing a pretend game and when reality didn't measure up to your fantasy it upset you. Marriage isn't a game. You made a contract with another person and now because YOU'RE not happy you want to run away and not take responsiblity for the choices that you made. Life isn't full of lollipops and rainbows you can't expect life to make YOU happy. Your life is what YOU make of it. An ADULT wouldn't run away from their problems whining about how they deserve to be happy. An ADULT would sit down with their partner and TOGETHER figure out what can be done to set things straight. But I doubt you're mature enough for that.

Answer 7

So you married for better or for worse, and you knew going in there was a lot more worse and you did it anyway. Now the worse is too tough for you so you are trying to make it with someone else. How old are you? And why would you marry someone where things were not good prior? In what way did you think things would change just because you married? At least I'm consistent with this.....don't have children and subject them to your immaturity.

Answer 8

Sometimes in life doing the right thing is not always the fun or easy thing and certainly not always what makes you "happy".Happiness is an emotion which comes and goes and should not always be used to make life changing decisions.In regards to the guy at work has it occured to you that sometimes people tell you what you want to hear so they can have what they want.Think very carefully before you make a decision based on emotions.

Answer 9

and this is why young people should not get married
and yes at 25 your young...
you have at least 5 more good years left into for prime time marriage ( that is where you are still most desired by men )
you blew it
and now your options are..
1. you honor your vows of in sickness and health

or

2. you don't and you file for divorce and find someone else
with on health issues and money issues


it's all a matter of what you want and what your priorities are

Answer 10

He is your husband, you made the commitment for better or worse. Reverse the situation. I am sure he feels terrible and never planned to put all of this on you, but he needs you. He treats you well. You met a guy at work? Don't even go there...you are looking for people to tell you oh yeah, forget your husband go for this other guy - but hopefully you will reach into your heart and be there for him as you committed, and you will do the right thing. Maybe look into support groups for caretakers, or people in your situation. Go to his next Dr. appt, or seek new Dr's who could help him on different levels. Just ideas. I wish you the best.

Answer 11

well.... i have been in a VERY similar situation...
I'm also 25, we've been together over 4 years, now married.
i was the one with the back problem, 3 ruptured discs, spinal chord damage, and associated sciatica in both legs.... i worked until i physically couldnt walk anymore, i ended up in a wheelchair.

The whole time my gf (now wife - married in march like you) stood by me, we both worked hard, up until my surgery. She was very good to me, but i could see her getting a little frustrated. It was not my choice to stop working, but she was beginning to get angry at me... Harsh.
NOW...
my surgery was very risky, 3 ruptured discs is not something you take lightly, you need to realise that this could very well put him in a wheelchair or worse for the rest of his life if it is serious. I'm not making excuses for him, but you do need to realise that its a massive mental hurdle you both need to overcome.
In the end i know she would have stuck with me no matter what happened, but still...

Please be patient, and just think yourself lucky you dont have to put up with any sort of back pain. Dont be selfish.

We are happy as larry now :)

All you people saying "get rid of him, he's a loser" or "a slug" etc need to grow up... i hope you get hit by a truck and end up with severe life altering back injuries, just so you have a slight taste of what it's like to be on the other side. You people make me furious. I have been through and yes i have overcome it, but i am a lucky minority, most people who suffer from back pain do so their entire life. You all take everything for granted. Good luck with that :)