shoudl i try to work through this marriage or leave beofre its too late??

Question

ok i know this is going to sound bad but recently i got married to my bf of five years. we didn tell anyone but a few friends bc we knew our paretns wouldnt approve bc i know my parents do not like him bc they dont think he takes care of me. 3 yearas agao he messed up his back real bad and now he has damaged it so bad that he is taking 80 mg oxycontin and can no longer work and is in the profcess of having surgery. i thought when we got married he was going to have the surgery right away and start getting things accomplished, but nothing relaly has gotten accomplished he still isnt working and i hva eto pay for everything and i dont make that much money to begin with. anyways everytime i try to talk to him about getting back to work and surgery he gets all defensive like im saying somehitng wrong. he feel useless and he basically is bc he isnt really doing anything to help himself he says he is and peopel just dont call him back but i find it hard to believe. im so frustrated

Answer 1

If you love someone do not give up on him. He sounds like he is depressed. Be a wife and support him this hard time.

Answer 2

When two people choose to marry they should be happy enough about it and secure enough about their decision that they want to be telling the world.

Your parents saw this coming before you married, and it sounds as if they are correct in their beliefs.

You have answered your own question by not mentioning the L word, and that stands for love. You do not mention that you love him, and he is not demonstrating that he loves you either. If he loved you and valued you as a person, and not for the fact that you pay the bills, he would have had the surgery and he would be off of the drugs and making something of himself.

You thought by getting married that you were going to change him and make him make better choices. You cannot change anyone, they can only change themselves when they have made the decision too.

With any dosage of a highly additive painkiller, there is a real chance of becoming addicted, and your husband may well have become addicted, and that is what is causing him to not proceed with the surgery.

The point that you made about him becoming defensive about going back to work and having the surgery is what tells me that he is addicted. If he is making you feel guilty about trying to encourage him to have the surgery and make progress, that is not a normal reaction.

If he truly wanted to help himself, he would be doing so and you would not have to be on the Internet asking strangers out in the world for help.

You have the right to be frustrated, and you also have the right to remove yourself from this entire situation. If this person is truly your best friend, you should have known enough about his personality to realize that he was going to get stuck in this mess and make the choice to remain there.

You should wish him the best and move on with your life, I do not see a good end to this relationship. You could try and see if he will go to counseling with you, and if he will not, you have your answer.

I wish you and your husband the best.

Answer 3

You need to have a serious talk with him even if it means getting him to a counselor with you so that you may speak freely but in a non-accusatory manner. If you can't do that then ask him if you can work together to make a definite plan. If all he will do is ignore you then you really must make some demands attached to some timeframes.
Tell him that you'd like to work together for a compromise because you love him. If he refuses then you have no choice but to separate and see if that gets him going. Sometimes people get complacent and even depressed (all the more reason for counseling).

Answer 4

I understand how you can be frustrated. But, you knew he was in pain this way and unable to work when you met him. I see you thought things would change but, you had to know they might not since they had been that way so long. If he is unable to work he should be on some kind of social security so that he can help with the bills. If you dont love him leave. If you do then stay and deal with all the good and bad that comes with him.

Answer 5

Why would you marry someone and then hide it? If you are in love with him, you would be proud to be his wife.

Your first mistake was getting married, you are obviously not mature enough.

How long have you been married? Recently isn't much of a time-line. It takes time to get in for surgery. Also, back surgery is no picnic. It is a very serious operation. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't, sometimes it makes you worse. If he has severe back problems, he will not be cured. Once you have back injuries, you have them for life.

You wanted to play house so now you have to grow up and take responsibility for your actions. You knew he wasn't working, you knew he was on pills and you knew he had back problems.

Deal with it.

Answer 6

In sickness and in health...It sounds like this is your only complaint about him. That's good because it is most likely a temporary situation. It does sound like his injury has caused some depression. As his wife, you have some rights as far as airing your concerns with his doctor. Tell the doctor you are concerned about depression and you might also mention that he's taking his addictive pain meds instead of getting surgery and beginning the healing process.

Answer 7

For sure doesn't sound like this is a good time to bring children into the world. IMO the marriage may drag on a few years, but it will never be good, and will end unhappily after you two have really started disliking each other.

Answer 8

You should cut your losses and get out now before you're depressed and addicted to painkillers too. He will use excuse after excuse not to get a job. Life is way too short to live any of it unhappy. GOOD LUCK. Leave today.

Answer 9

here is a way you can find out really easy. IF you guys are still having sex 2 times or more then he is healthy enough to work. I would say if that's the case then you need to get out.

good luck.

Answer 10

The bottom line is if he needs surgery but he won't get it he will not get better and the situation will stay like this. The question you need to ask yourself is this: If things stay like this forever, will I be happy?
If the answer is "no", you'll have to tell him to get the surgery for his own good and for yours. If he continues to act defensive about it you will have to leave.