Should I Leave or Brave This Out?

Question

My husband hit me at the weekend - a slap across the face. He claims it was my fault as I was pestering him about an old girlfriend. I did pester him as I was wanting to hear that I was great compared to her blah, blah as I was feeling a little low and wanted a boost. He wouldn't make any comments and so I kept on digging and digging. He eventually blew up and hit me. However, I don't think there is an excuse for physical violence and certainly the reaction I have had since then is even worse. My husband now wants me and the children to leave. He says he doesn't give a monkeys and wont even talk it through. He hasn't apologised or even been remotely upset about it. I feel devastated. We have been married for 2 and a bit years and have a daughter together (plus there is my son from a previous relationship). I can't believe men are so worthless. I have nowhere to go and no money so he will be okay but I will be in the poo if I leave. Any advice?

Actually, he only said that my nagging was the reason he hit me. But he also claimed it was because I didn't fold his trousers properly. He has been emotionally abusive for a long time but I am normally very confident and his criticisms of me and his put downs don't bother me. I just felt down that day. I work full time and am very independent and the money is actually all in my name its just that I wouldn't leave him with nothing as I love him and would prefer it if he could get help for his violence (it isn't the first time). Is that too much to ask? I fear some of you may be right and that he just wants me away - although the day before that he told me how happy he was and that he couldn't be without me. Thats why I am so upset. It doesn't make any sense.

Answer 1

Ok, first off, verbal or emotional abuse is JUST as serious as physical violence. It can also often be a lead up to physical violence. Do you really want your children thinking the way he speaks to you when he is being abusive or critical is how adults treat each other in a loving relationship?? I don't care how well you are able to handle him acting that way.. it still is not right. Nor is it healthy for your children.

Secondly, I do not care HOW much you pester someone.. or nag.. for him to resort to physical violence over it.. well.. you already know how wrong it is. ESPECIALLY if he is insistant that it is YOUR fault. YOU did not have control over his hand.. HE did. HE did it.. it is HIS fault. HE made the decision to strike out physically over something stupid.

Thirdly, hon, if you need a boost... change your hairstyle.. change your make up.. plan a romantic evening.. but NEVER want to be compared to his ex... That is just.. icky. He has already proved to you that you are better than the ex.. He married you.. had a child with you.. that should be more than enough validation on THAT point.

I suggest you seek counseling... at least for yourself if not as a couple. Good luck..

Answer 2

honey...2 weeks ago my partner hit me too...he has never done it before...we got into a heated argument and he flipped, throwing my to the ground, i also recieved stitches in my arm because of what he did...for the first time in 11 years, i felt scared of him, and now i am single, i do not want him back, i too posted a message here because i was upset, confused and totally shocked by what he did...it came out of the blue, he said to me the next day that he had no idea why he did it, and he was sorry...but sorry is not good enough, he frightened me and i am no gonna have any man frightening me again like that, especially him... he did it and that's good enough for me, i don't care how long we've been together, but i did not deserve that...so i am going to tell you to pack your things get the kids and go to a battered wives shelter, there are many of them available in all areas now, if he does not want you there then leave with the kids, it's obvious that he's a selfish arogant little pig, so why give him the time of day....call your local shelter, you can look it up on the computer or get the number off the operator, these places are safe houses, they will give you a roof over your head for you and your kids, also they will help you find somewhere safe to live....DO NOT stay with this man, he has hit you once, and yes, he'll do it again, i left my partner and i have no intentions of getting back with him, the damge is already done now, and i saw him for the person he really is, it may have been the first time he hit me, but it certainly is the last....do yourself and your kids a huge favour and get out before things get worse....they will get worse....this man does not deserve you or his kids.....leave and make a better life for yourself....good luck...oh by the way, if you go back to him, he WILL hurt you gain....take the advice of these people...they are 100% right....bless you....x

Answer 3

First of all there is no excuse for a man hitting a woman. In saying that you mentioned that hes always been emotionally abusive and its never really bothered you - have you heard of self-respect hun??? Hes obviously ground you down so much you've lost all your confidence and self-respect. He's a control freak and he's got you just where he wants you! What you need to do is have a good stern word with yourself - your not here to be used and abused - you are a PERSON! You have as much right to respect as anyone. And your children deserve to have a mum who's going to be strong. Stop being such a push-over and fight back!! Tell him you've had enough of his appalling behaviour and that if anyone is leaving its him! Then find yourself someone worthy of you. If you lay on the floor and act like a doormat people will treat you like one and walk all over you - STAND UP FOR YOURSELF!!! Good luck. xx

Answer 4

I would go- the kids dont need to see you put down like this. Violence is never an option if this has happened once i recon it will happen again. He does not seem to care- or is just chucking threats so you then say no i love you i dont want to go- and boost his ego! Call his bluff- go! I am sure you have friends or the council will help you. If he loves you he will realise what he has done and come after you. Perhapse the fright of you actually going will turn things around. Or if he dosent then its best you get out now before theings get worse and the kids suffer- they are worth more. And you are worth more! If i can help please email on [e-mail] I am a community and family worker and would try to help.

Answer 5

Hi, Been there had some of the same stuff happen to me. I can tell you this and you remember it for future use. that when men do not want there spouces or mates or wifes around any more they manage to find meny ways to make you so miserable that u want to leave and then that getts them off the hook for being the bad one. There is no! good excuse for verbal or any other kind of abuse. no matter what you do.
and it is totally unexcuseable. He does need help' do not stay
if the abuse coninutes.verbal or other wise. You sound like a nice sane person who can see whats happing to you.Stand up for your self. seek help form,parents,sibblins or your community help programs.You are no ones punching bag.okay.. and don't nag at him any more gain your own selfastim. learn that you can takecare of your self if you have to. and it does'nt hurt to let him know tha to. Good luck to you.

Answer 6

Please this man is a complete control freak, I know I lived with one he used to put me down by telling me I was stupid.He didn't allow me to go out with friends yes I loved him,he hit me once and I left. At first I was a mess I didn't think I could live without him, it took me a while but now I am really happy I have a good well paid job have gained lots of qualifications and have been nominated for promotion.
I have my own house and can go where I want when I want and am with a lovely man who treats me well . I hope this helps you sound young still and just need courage to get away
from him he doesn't deserve you.

Answer 7

Dont leave the marital home, its half yours whatever happens, get some legal advice, tell him if he wants a split he will have to leave as you and the kids have nowhere to go, stick to your guns, if he is violent again call the police and get him arrested, then you can get an injuction so he cant come near the house, but whatever you do, get legal advice.
And stop nagging!

Answer 8

Yeah, tell him to leave. You and the kids should have the house if he's the one who wants to separate. And there is no excuse for a partner to hit the other one, whether it's a man or a woman. If he was that frustrated, he could have and should have walked out. And you are not totally blameless. He shouldn't have hit you but you shouldn't have badgered him either. Learn from this experience. I wonder how you were in your previous marriage. Don't marry again until you mature a lot.

Answer 9

I've said the same kind of thing to exs in the past so I understand why you said it..... that is NO excuse for him to do what he did. The man is obviously a brute. There are organisations you can turn to who will help you with this. Don't hang around to have your confidence totally torn to shreds. If he truly loved you he wouldn't do this to you. Get out while you can. (If possible go to a friend while you sort out money etc.). Good luck!!

Answer 10

Zero-tolerance on spousal abuse, especially as you say he has done this before--(you SHOULD have walked THEN really)--this abuse will continue if you stay. 'I can't believe men are so worthless' you say...well most men aren't worthless at all, only the one's that cheat, hit kid's, OR hit their spouse's. Forget about being in the poo if you leave--you MUST leave, for the safety of your children, and the safety and sanity of yourself.