I don't like spending time with my fiance's family. Should I not get married to him?

Question

My fiance's parents are divorced and between the two sides of his family, there is some event going on practically every week. I don't want to spend every weekend with them. In fact, I don't want to see these people unless it's Thanksgiving or some other holiday where you have to deal with relatives. I'm getting really sick of seeing them and am feeling suffocated. But my fiance wants to go to every single one of these gatherings! All of his cousins' girlfriends always tag along for all of these events and he prefers that I go along with him too. Do you think it isn't a good idea for us to get married? Will there be problems down the road because I don't want to see his family every week?

My fiance and I get along fine on pretty much every other level. Just not when it comes to each others' families.

Answer 1

I can guarantee this will cause problems - I speak from experience. If you don't want excessive fighting and hurt feelings in your future - talk to him. If that doesn't work - premarital counseling is the ideal place to bring this up. I certainly hope premarital counseling is something you plan on doing. The in-law nightmare will only get far worse if boundaries aren't set in the beginning. I truly wish you luck!

Answer 2

Family relationships can cause a divorce if you are having problems coming to terms, and a agreement as to what is fair. You really need to talk to him about spending so much time with the family. I love my family too, but I didn't and still don't spend every single weekend with them. Once a month should be plenty because there is always birthdays, holidays, and other occasions when you all get together . Besides, you and your fiance' will need to work on your personal relationship. If he doesn't want to work something out in the way of a compromise where you both can be satisfied, I would tell him you both need counseling. My mother wanted us to spend every holiday with her and my dad. I had to be fair and share my husband with his mother and dad. She was mad at me at first, but I told her that it was selfish to expect him to give up every holiday. So we alternated and everything worked out great, but I had to be firm about it to her.

Answer 3

Hon I feel your pain. The first family gathering that my husband took me to had fifty people in it. They were just the ones that lived in the metro. My family lives in another state.

I say level with him. Let him know that you are feeling suffocated by all the family gatherings. Every relationship needs it's breathing room. But understand that he is going to have to feild questions about where you are, so give him ammo. Let him tell about having to work overtime, or having to go see a friend who's only in town for a short while. Space these excuses out so that they won't get the impression that you hate them and you will have your space.

Answer 4

When you marry someone, the entire life you are going to have has to be taken into consideration, many people don't and then end up in huge fights later...

If he won't compromise with you on the family events - then you maybe should reconsider getting married. Family is important to him, if you don't feel the same way, he may not want to marry you either... time for a serious talk.

Answer 5

I theory "you are not marrying his family, you are marrying him" .. is a True Fact.. but In reality, you are marrying his family, because if he likes hanging out with them a lot, you will have to deal with them too, and their attitute, and their personalities, etc.

If you talk to your fiance he might not be able to visit his family less often if he has his family (the one he grew up with) on a pedestal, and might be difficult to put his new family ( on a higher pedestal).

The purpose of getting married is to start a new life together with the goal of pursuing happiness. If seeing his family more than just on holidays is going to be painful for you, then you will be failing in the pursuing of happiness goal.

Really, think about it, talk to him, have a heart to heart, and consider many things BEFORE the wedding (way before when is still time to make decisions). it will be more painfull if you try to do those things after you have already gotten married.

If you dont like those family meetings, you shouldnt feel forced to go, and shouldnt go. You were not born to endure pain (emotional, psycological, or physical)... You were born to pursue happiness.

Answer 6

In laws are a big deal, you either get along with them or you don't and I think there is an advantage and disadvantage to most families. You need to reconsider whether you want to get married to him or not because it is not fair of you to make him choose between you and his family. My fiance's family is causing a wedge between me and him however I would never ask him to choose one side over the other. There are certain situations where your family is right or wrong.

Answer 7

He has made it clear that this is what his family does and he wants to do it as well so nothing is going to change. If you marry and have children, you must be able to get along with his family as they will be grandparents. At least to be polite enough so they can spend time with the kids. If this is not what you what to do or can see yourself settling into, then better to end it now than later.

Answer 8

That's a tough one. I was once in this same situation. My fiance has 5 brothers and sisters and they all have kids and there was a period of time there that we were going to every single function. I am an only child, only grandchild for that matter!! I sat down with my fiance and just explained to him that family is important but I don't need to go to his 5yr old nieces play!! I will go to her bdays but we gotta draw the line somewhere. I think it is all about compromise so for example maybe if you go to to his cousins graduation, he needs to take you to Nordstroms to get a new outfit for the graduation :)

Answer 9

Are you trying to find a reason not to get married? Sounds like he is a good man to you and family oriented!!! You are the one he has to turnover for every night, don't allow your feelings toward his family to run off a great guy. Talk to your fiance about limiting time from family events to make time for you....express that you feel somewhat uncomfortable about being at every event. Maybe you should make plans that require some alone time for you and him during these family get togethers. Don't make a mountain out of a mole hill...Be glad you have a man who is showing he is big on family...at least you know he will be dedicated and supportive of his own family....just suggest going to two family functions a month and the other two weekends are for you and him...It great that his family likes you, don't burn bridges with them, just talk to your man!!! Wish you guys well...

Answer 10

First of all you 2 need to sit down and discuss this problem among yourselves because when you get married a part of your vow is to let no on come between the 2 of you and I really take that to heart in my marriage.