My husband can be really nice, then he will say something really, really, really mean or demeaning to me out of the blue. No, I am not being overly sensitive, other people told me it is mean or demeaning too. This happends a couple of times a week and he won't apologize for it, but expects me to apologize if I hurt his feelings. Are most husbands like this?
2007-06-06 10:22:34 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
No they're not.
This is a nasty little game he's playing. He tries to see how much he can push and get await with it. He'll push and push to see how for he can go. And right now, he doesn't see a line.
It's a little power game that's not all uncommon. You're in a relationship where one partner tries to gain some control, an edge over the other. It's not domestic violence, but it's another category of abuse.
You have to draw the line. Force him to apologize for his behavior (and it has to be a true apology, not have him say "sorry" then laugh it off). You teach people how to threat you. Right now, he's learning he can humiliate you publicly and give his own ego a little boost.
YOU have to make him stop that. When he does that in public, correct him. Ask him why he's insulting you and embarrassing the people you're with, because this is embarrassing to watch one person humiliate another.
When you're alone, don't tolerate that. He acts like a child, treat him like one. And don't be the one to go back to him, have him come to you.
He HAS to show you he respects you. He HAS to show you he cares about you. That's the only way your relationship will work.
2007-06-06 10:35:33 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Most husbands I have met are not like that. It would be unthinkable for my husband to say ANYTHING demeaning to me, EVER - even in a heated argument. My ex-husband was a bit short-tempered, but never demeaning or mean; even during and after our divorce he's remained respectful at all times. I certainly couldn't imagine my dad or my dad-in-law being mean or disrespectful to my mom or mom-in-law. So I would say no, disrespect should not be considered a "normal part of marriage".
2007-06-06 10:49:35 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Marriages that work come in all shapes and sizes, including ones where people say mean things to each other. Some people are naturally more critical, or have short tempers, or tend to speak before they think, than other people.
That said, if it isn't balanced out with something that clears the slate--an apology to you, a willingness to work on it and try to notice when he does it, or a willingness to take from you what he dishes out, for a few examples--then I think it is a sign of a deeper imbalance of power and respect in your marriage. If it continues, it will probably only get worse, unless you do something that provides the leverage for him to wake up and change his behavior and attitude toward you.
Good luck.
2007-06-06 10:33:56 · answer #3 · answered by Scott W 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Does he do this in front of other people or other family members? I don't think it's "normal" to hurt someone or humiliate them in front of others...can you think of any typical "triggering" moments that might bring this meanness out of him? He may feel more in control when he bullies you, and maybe--as with most typical abusive spouse events--it's all about control after all. Do you work? Do you earn good money from it? Is he given to other pouts & moods about his job, his boss, whatever...and feel threatened by your success or even your personal happiness? Keep a log of what takes place before he gives you a shot...there may be a clue as to what sets him off. Outside help, maybe...maybe not. A good counselor can run the clues down...and perhaps give you ways to tell him how it hurts you. I've seen many couples with this problem--some get help and stick together, some can't and must jump ship. In the meanwhile, sis, stay strong!
2007-06-06 10:32:17 · answer #4 · answered by constantreader 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
He's mean. He's mad about something, and he doesn't respect you. He's a drama queen, if his feeling are too tender to take what he dishes out. Tell the over grown baby, you don't like it, and give it back back to him. Ask him if says these crappy things because he wants to be an @$$hole, or does he want a marriage that lasts and is delusional enough to his crap will make the marriage strong. Quit doubting yourself. If what he says isn't building you up, but tearing you down, tell him. He is your husband and you are the judge of how he meets your needs or how he screws with your needs.
2007-06-06 10:43:12 · answer #5 · answered by so tired 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No that's not "normal" nor should it be acceptable. He'd be living alone if that was done to me w/o apology...and if it continued (apology or not) then I'd go back to being single. Suggest couples counseling...y'all need to find out why he feels it's okay to treat you that way, and what sparks the comments.
Disrespect is NOT what marriage is about.
2007-06-06 10:25:34 · answer #6 · answered by . 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I really don't know if most are or not I know mine is not....does he drink or do other things that may alter his personality? was he always this way (before marriage) if not when did this all start? there is no excuse for this at all and I'm not trying to find one for him, I'm just trying to help you figure out if there is a connection to the behavior.....you need to (if you havent already) tell him that he is hurting you and that there is no excuse for him to talk to you that way......do not put up with it.....Good Luck to you I hope everything works out.....
2007-06-06 10:35:36 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
No, they are not. Instead I will ask you a question, "Are you
showing your husband Respect?" It almost sounds like a husband who is not getting respect from a wife.
If not try very hard to start putting some respect for your husband in your relationship. It will help things.
Men want respect from there wives as women want love from there husbands. It goes both ways. God bless
2007-06-06 10:31:55 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
He seems to be suffering from some sort of inner anger. Try to find what you can do to help resolve this. When things are calm between you explain in a non threatening way how his behaviour hurts you. I
2007-06-06 10:28:18 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
No, your spouse is a big fat baby. He is abusing you and would never agree with that statement. You are a realease for his frustration. I bet he tries to control you in ways you haven't considered before. You should seek counseling. If your friends agree then this is serious and could escalate.
2007-06-06 10:27:07 · answer #10 · answered by Cloee Quips 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋