Husband vs Wife on earring issue please help?

Question

So here is my dilemna-
My husband and I met when my daughter was 2, married when she was 3.
I had her ears pierced when she was 3 months old and always wore them until she was about 4. At that time one got stuck and we couldn't get the back off. We had to use plyers. So my husband said no more earrings until she is old enough to put them on herself.
I agreed to wait until she was old enough. At about 8 she wanted to start wearring them again. He said she can't wear them full time until she is at least 13.
In 3rd grade (age 9) I bargained with him for wed/sunday. He said fine as long as we don't discuss it again until she is 12.
Well, today is wednesday and she had them on. He totally freaked out and said he meant only during the school year.
It is summer she is not even around anyone. I am her mother and I want some sort of say in this. Am I wrong. Shouldn't I have some sort of decision make power here? Why does this marriage have to bea dictatorship?

Just to let you all know - I wouldn't ever play the "your not her father card". he has been a wonderful father to her. he just won't let her wear earrings, nail polish, lip gloss. Any girly stuff. The only earrings she has are studs. So dangly gawdy earrings are not the issue either.
She plays sports and only wants to wear earrings every once in awhile. So when she wants to be girly I try to let her. heck she hardly ever even wore them on the wed/sunday rule days. that's why it bothers me so. When we made the deal it wasn't only for the school year. It was every wed/sun. Now the rug has come out underneath me.
He is very controlling over lots of things. This one just got to me. Let her be a little girl every once in awhile for goodness sake.

Answer 1

Men have different attitudes than women about this issue. My wife just very recently took our 9 year old to get her ears pierced. I didn't like it, but I didn't say no. For me, it has to do with symbolism. Getting earrings is an adult thing, and I strongly do not want my lovely, innocent daughter to grow up too fast! But, she is growing up, and I have to accept it.

You have a second layer to add to the complexity of your situation too: the girl is his step-daughter. I also have a step-daughter. In this situation, a husband feels like he wants to exercise some authority because he considers it important that his step-daughter realizes that he is, and will continue to be, an authority figure. He fears the mother-daughter relationship because he fears being excluded and devalued as a husband and father.

Try not to make it so big a deal to you that you have to fight your husband about it. Choose your battles wisely!

Answer 2

Hubby just got freaked out when she was little and earring got stuck. Look maybe there is more to this. A lot of Christian families (got it from your 360) traditions, especially the older ones, didn't put earrings on the children. My wife and her three sisters have never wore earrings their whole life. First because it was the way their church believed and how they were brought up and now it's a matter of choice. My first daughter got her ears pierced until she was 14, and my other daughter is almost 13 and she just recently started asking about the piercing. Maybe your hubby grew up in that kind of church and believed what happened to your daughter was a sign or something. Sit down and have a good, calm talk with him about it and find out if it was the impact he had when the "stuck" issue occured or whether it's part of his family or churches tradition, either way you should have some say in this, but try and settle it in a calm and loving fashion.

Good Luck and God Bless !

Answer 3

This isn't about a pair of earrings. This is a power game between you two, and unfortunately, your daughter is in the middle.
You bargained with him for wed & sun? Are we talking about apples vs oranges, or about a little girl who's so confused over why Mommy and Step-Daddy are fighting because of her.
This is way too much pressure for your daughter to handle, she's the subject of this silly feude, and she might feel guilty about it.

Juts leave this alone. It's not worth the continuous fights. There are other things that matter much more, and one of them is making sure you both show your love to her.

PS - I know you're her mother. You're right you should have some say. But you've been married to your husband for over 5 years now, so he's just as part of your daughter's life.
He took upon himself (out of love for you) to take care of her and be part of her education, so you cannot tell him "I'm the mother , you're not his father". You'd be playing with fire.

...====> After reading your additional comments... I think you should take your daughter's side in a joking way "Oh my! Daddy has an issue with earrings these days. Do you think we should take him shopping for earrings when you turn -blip-?"
And ask yourself the question only you can answer: "Is this something you feel you need to fight?"

Answer 4

She is a girl and the earings look pretty on her. You should ahve a say in it. Maybe you need to time the conversation when he is approachable and try talking again if it is that important. In my marriage I choose my battles those that are worth the fight and important to me and those that I can concede and let it go. Maybe if she only keeps stud earings and not dangly things it woul be ok. But the whole only on specific days during the school year sounds more like a control issue and not an earing issue to me.

Answer 5

you can't pick and chose what you want your husbands help in... if you want his opinion and help in one issue than it's fair that it's the same way with all of them. i don't think it's fair to him, for you to throw in the "it's not your daughter" card at him.
He obviously id looking out for the best interest of the child... in his own way. Sometimes men can be a little close minded and stubborn when issues about daughters. Try explaining to your husband how she is older now and wants to show off her earrings. Go around the issue so that he thinks, he's making the ultimate decision. men have a complex about women taking control...
One more advise, pick and chose your battles, does she really need to wear her earrings today if she's not going anywhere?

Answer 6

You are arguing about earrings. EARRINGS! The issue isn't earrings any more. It is a power play between you and your husband. Stop it! Drop the issue. Let him have his way for the health and happiness of the family. So the child doesn't wear earrings until she is 12. Big freaking deal.

You need a serious reality check on your marriage. If your willing to have serious fights about something so VERY trivial I would hate to see an issue that is WORTH fighting over.

Answer 7

Honestly, marriage is a dictatorship and really don't want to come right out and say 'She's my daughter'. I think you would really have a problem on your hands then because that would make him feel alienated. But he should realize that you wouldn't do anything to harm her health and he is being real unreasonable about the earrings. Earrings have evolved since the plier incident. ;-) So tell him to chill.

Answer 8

I don't think the issue is even about the earrings anymore I think he is just being obsessive and controlling just for the power in it. It's not like she is losing her virginity! He has played the role as her father and should have a say so in the desicions in her life, but he is being ridiculous! She is old enough to wear earrings.

Answer 9

There are much bigger problems out there regarding kids then what days they wear earings. She is now old enough to take care of them herself and he should let it go. The agreement was until she was old enough to put them on herself. Kids can do this at 5 nowadays. I think you two should find something else to worry about now.

Answer 10

She is your daughter, you should be the one making the choices and decisions concerning her. I had my daughters ears done when she was 3 months as well. She is almost 3 now and they have never been out of her ears. There is nothig wrong with a daughter wearing ear rings. Good luck and stand up for what you want.