i wrote a song! please tell me if you like it.?

Question

Broken Window
[Its basicaly about a young girl who is being abused my her parents. its very sad! please give me your honest opinon.]

She cries in her sleep
The nights are long
And her pain is so deep
Unlike others, she’s fine when alone
She always dreads
When her parents get home

It’s hard to fit in
She tries to hide all the scars on her skin
She goes to sleep with no promise of tomorrow
They all sit back and watch her drownin’ in her sorrow

CHOROUSE
Through the broken window
There’s a light that leads the way
Through the broken window
There’s a light that promises today
Through her tears
A little girl will pray
That her eyes will see the light of day
Once more

She lies to her friends
If she breathes one word
She’ll never breathe again
Her friends all listen but they don’t really hear
They stand there watchin’
But she doesn’t shed a tear

She don’t run or hide
And she knows she may die
She goes to sleep with all her lights on
Can’t even move ‘cause all her strength’s gone

CHOROUSE
Through the broken window
There’s a light that leads the way
Through the broken window
There’s a light that promises today
Through her tears
A little girl will pray
That her eyes will see the light of day
Once more

One night all her screaming stops
It should be over soon
She’s so glad ‘cause now her pain is not and issue
Now she’ll fly out to that light and say,
“World I’ll never miss you”

CHOROUSE
Through the broken window
There’s a light that leads the way
Through the broken window
There’s a light that promises today
Through her tears
A little girl will pray
That her eyes will see the light of day
Once more

Through the broken the broken window
The little girl will pray
For all those little kids
Goin’ through the same
And this little girl keeps watch
As an angle…
Through that broken window

CHOROUSE
Through the broken window
There’s light that leads the way
Through the broken window
There’s a light that promises today
Through her tears
A little girl will pray
That her eyes will see the light of day
Once more

Answer 1

Didnt read the entire thing, it got sorta boring, but I can tell you put alot of effort into it and the song has alot of meaning, good job you should be proud of urself!

Answer 2

I really like the premise. Your song has some interesting verses, and the chorus isn't bad at all.
My suggestion: take it down a notch. Make your language a little more subtle. Words that blatantly describe your meaning might seem cliché. A clever conveyance of your ideas may not be immediately meaningful, but will, in the end when the listener really hears your song, have a much bigger impact.
Keep writing :-)

Answer 3

I am a 42 year old man with an alter ego of a 15 year old girl trapped in me. Ouch! No, not really. This is art. Art is a wonderful thing.
This is a wonderfully dreadful lyric. Now my honest opinion is that you paint a very clear visual with your words. Often pain is so hurtful that a tremendous escape is through the conjured imagery of description. That IS what you seem to do so well here.
Might I suggest that you practice a melody to go with it.
I won't let you off so easy as to write it for you. Instead I shall offer you a technique to get started.
First you need to get guitar. Oh', they are so inexpensive these days. I bought my most played instrument- a guitar ,3 years ago at a second hand store. I've actually played guitar for around 30 (wow) years and have owned several, but this little $16 U.S. Dollar guitar certainly has a voice. When looking for a guitar find it's voice. Even if you can't play a lick, find another voice to accompany your own. A guitar is a perfect accompaniment. Now, here is my gift to you:
After you have gotten your guitar, don't dismiss all that she has to offer you in terms of a traditional approach to playing. There is something to be said of tradition, however there is something else that can spur your interest even quicker, and bring your wonderfully dreadful lyric to life. It is, the ALTERNATE TUNING.
Here is mine. And hence the gift ( I suppose).

First play around with a traditional tuning, and remember, you might very well want to go directly back to it , so carefully remove two of the strings- 1st remove the high E (this is the 'thinest' string on the bottom-closest to the floor while holding the guitar ). 2nd, remove the D string ( this is the 4th string from the bottom, and 3rd down from the top).
Okay, now you might want to inlist the help of another more experienced player. Nearly any music store would be glad to help you. You can also utilize a pitch pipe or an inexpensive electronic tuner ( Korg, or Banana makes cheap ones for less than $30) -
While holding the guitar most comfortably on top of either the left or right flat of your upper leg (while sitting), here is what the tuning will be. The top string (low E) tunes UP 2 FRETS becomes F#, then the next string ( A) tunes UP 4 FRETS and becomes C#, the next string is off( was D), The next string IS still there (G). Tune it DOWN to C# so that it sounds exactly like the other C# you just tuned previous. This leaves the last string to tune - the (B) string, tune it DOWN to sound exactly ONE OCTAVE LOWER THAN THE LOW F# ( the first string you tuned-on top).
Okay, so there you have it. Actually it is much easier to express as a G-D-D-G tuning, where the D and High E are removed and the remaining strings are tuned GDDG, but I prefer a 1/2 step lower in pitch sound, so this is why I call for tuning to F#-C#-C#-F#.
I have written hundreds of songs using this very tuning. In theoretical terms it is a 5th going down, and a 5th coming up. It's a 4 note poly-tonal 'solid' 5th that can be systematically broken into complex chord variations by simple fretting. What this offers a singer is a full pallet of accompaniment that can be performed relatively easily as compared to traditional meathods of playing.

In laymans terms this tuning can help you to feel what you are playing and and play what you are feeling. Not to mention the boundless expressions that arrive even as you are playing and thinking of your lyric.
My personal approach to writing is to simultaniously play music and sing either while watching television with the sound turned down, or sometimes I simply close my eyes and sing whatever pops into my head. It helps to have a simple way to record this for relearning it later. I have used a microcassette recorder taped to the top of my acoustic guitar, and with my mouth close to the microphone on the recorder I create a mix of words and music. It's cheap it's portable, and mostly it's you.
You will find that you can even get a fret-stamp and an ink pad to capture what you have played when you play it back and work out the song. I wrote one of my own 'masterpieces' in 7 minutes of straight playing and singing , and it took me 2 weeks to relearn it! I will post my music as soon as I can figure out the best way to copyright it. Any suggestions?

Answer 4

I think it's lovely. I agree with the others on spelling and such, the technical stuff.

My only original suggestion is this. You have the 4 line stanza at the end of each verse the last line of which it really long. It doesn't quite flow: I suggest that you change the wording so it's equal length with the line above it.

Answer 5

I like it it brings a tought topic to discuss which is abuse in the family, however correct this: "she's so glad cause now her pain is not an issue".
Writing is a good way to relieve those emotions but it's better to confront and seek for help.
You can count on me!

Answer 6

Wow! thats amazing. I really like it, because it's obvious that you put a lot of time and effort into it. unlike the other guy, i did read it all the way through. nice job! i wish that I could write like that. if i had to give one critique, though, maybe take out 1 round of the chorus.

Answer 7

It's pretty, but check your spelling. A couple of the words i can tell what you mean, but you have the wrong word written down.

Answer 8

thats a really good song but seems just a little to sad

Answer 9

Very, Very GOOD but I have to agree SAD!
I can't help but wonder if this is a true story....

Answer 10

It is sad... seems a little long, though. Also it's spelled CHORUS.