How do you tell someone you don't love them anymore?

Question

My husband and I have been together 8 years. He is a wonderful person and I love him very much- but I'm no longer IN love with him. We no longer have the same goals and want different things from life. I have been denying the truth for a long time, trying to convince myself that I'm happy, but I feel like if I continue to stay with him I will be lying to myself. It's also not fair to him as we're both still young and he could find someone who wants what he wants. I don't know how to break the news- this will come as a real surprise because we don't fight or anything and have always appeared to be the perfect couple. I don't want to hurt him, he's been nothing but kind and loving to me, but if I continue to live this lie I just know I will start to hate him and I don't want that. I'm also afraid that if I do approach him he'll just dismiss the problem and try to convince me we can work it out, which I know is impossible. There is no one else involved and we have no children.

Answer 1

I simply cannot condone breaking up a marriage over the reasons you have given us...

What is the real reason for you to be wanting to break up a good marriage??

Answer 2

You've been thinking about this for awhile...being single again, and you've forgotten what brought you to marry him in the first place.
You have to share your dreams with your spouse, and you have to dream together to make it work.
Just remember this if you leave and don't really try to fix it at this point...
"he's been nothing but loving and kind to me"
Just how many guys do you think are out there that meet those qualifications?
Sometimes we take people for granted and then, oh boy are we sorry later when we end up with a lying selfish alcoholic wife-slapping gambling cheating pig who appeared to be Mr. Charm.
"try to convince me we can work it out, which I know is impossible"
are you sure?
Usually I'm supportive of women in this forum, but very few are telling us all how "loving and kind" their husbands are.
Sounds like you're just wondering if the grass is greener...honey, it's not.

Answer 3

First of all, I don't buy the "I Iove you, but I'm not IN love with you" idea. Love is love is love. You may not feel that overwhelming passion you felt when you first decided to commit to him, but you feel love...

What that statement says is "Even though I say I love you, I really don't, I just feel obligated to say it." That statement never has made anyone feel better and I think it can be traced back to the twits on the Jerry Springer show.

Love, unfortunately, is not always exciting in a long term relationship. You have to work at it. You also have to work at making your goals converge in someway that makes both of you happy.

You really need to be honest with your partner. Don't give him Jerry Springer invented cliches. Chances are he deserves more since you don't say he's comitted hienous offenses towards you.

He's been with you thinking you did have similiar goals and ideas of how to spend your life. How can he make you happy if you don't share these thoughts with him?

Are you willing to pull the rug out from under him and force him to play catch up to deal with the current situation?

By not sharing your thoughts with him, you've already doomed your relationship. You've taken any and all control away from a wonderful man, as you say, to have a chance to put magic back into the marriage, to see if you can line up your goals together.

See, back when you are dating, you had different goals, even if they seemed similar. As you grow together, goals do change, your idea of how to live your life may change. That's part of being a grown up.

By marrying each other, you decided to merge those goals in a way that fits both of you with the understanding that somethings would have to be sacrificed and somethings compromised, you promised to share the wild journey together, because the ultimate goal of spending a life together was worth it.

Start looking for couples who have been married for 30 years or more and ask how they felt throughout there marriage. Most likely they will tell you that the feeling of love waxed and waned, at times considered leaving, but hung in there because they made a promise.

Tell him the truth, leave the cliches out of it. Tell him you care for him, but perhaps you're meaning of love has changed. Apologize up the ying-yang because you unfairly neglected to clue him until you were ready to ask for divorce.

Then think really hard the next time you get serious with a wonderful man about how you may feel when your goals diverge. Talk with him about how you will handle not feeling "in love" with him, because it will happen again as it is the nature of long term love, because if you don't, you'll repeat this scenario, but might be on the other side.

Good Luck to you and your husband.

Answer 4

Why are you so sure you can't work it out? Remember the vows you took? This is one of those times where you can work it out or you can just give up. Ask yourself...if your husband is loving and kind then what is it that you think you are going to find? That line of "I love you but I'm not IN love with you." is an excuse people use that shows unreal expectations. A marriage is supposed to be a partnership. You won't stay IN love with someone forever but you can love them forever and that's what a real marriage is based on.

If you know for sure that you are going to divorce him, then do it quick so that he has a chance to find a real partner while they are still young enough.

Answer 5

I think you should consider going to therapy or counseling on your own. Marriage is a very serious thing; and it shouldn't be taken lightly.
Perhaps you need someone to talk to and to help you sort out your feelings. People change over time- so do relationships. A long-term relationship will always have ups and downs; what's important is to think things over really well and to evaluate the pros and cons.
I wish you well and hope you can analyze what is making you feel like this....Sounds like a shame to end a marriage for this, but the decision will be yours. Good luck.

Answer 6

Have you told your husband how you feel? Does he know about your goals, dreams etc.? I have found out that by talking about these things to a spouse, they have become supportive. I would not tell him you want out of the marriage without first talking to him and them possibly getting some marriage counseling and making the effort to work it out. Love and happiness in a marriage are like the tide in the ocean, the tide ebbs and flows but the ocean still remains. I wish you all the best.

Answer 7

Love is a choice, there is no "I love you but I'm not in love with you", its an excuse. You committed to this person, through good times and bad, and now you want to back out on this "wonderful person" as you described him because of a feeling? Did you really love this man when you married him?
If you do leave, you are setting a pattern of acting on feelings rather than following through on love. "Wonderful" people don't come around often enough, if you have a good man, stick with it, get yourself some GOOD counseling and follow through on your promise the day you married him.

Answer 8

Love you will hurt your husband more if you don't tell him how you feel now. Always remember the old saying "truth do hurt but it will set you free" Why pretend if one of these days your husband will realize what's going on with your feelings. You will be better of if your really face this now, not later. And yes hurting someone is not good but if you keep this and just pretend,it will be more sad later on. Just talk to him and tell him everything, he might surprise you if you did,........good luck!!

Answer 9

You need to be honest with your self and with him you both deserve to be happy no matter how painful it is you need to tell him the same thing you just wrote there is no easy way for doing it. But once you do there is no turning back. But why are you so unhappy ? And you are already hurting him just by feeling the way you do so just tell him so you both can move on

Answer 10

definitely? What in the international do you think of? I definitely discover those style of questions a waste of time. If somebody instructed you they did no longer love YOU anymore, how could YOU react? it fairly is stupid to contemplate this question once you recognize that if this individual nevertheless has thoughts for you, they are going to be injury.