How do you get over a man you have children with,who hurt you,yet you are devestated he is getting remarried?

Question

He cheated on me, verbally abused and emotionally abused me, has nothing to do with our children, but even with all of that I am having a hell of a time moving on. He begged me to take him back last summer but I couldnt be sure he really had changed, then 3 days later he moved in with his current gf, so how badly could he have really wanted to move in, right? I guess it is just hard not knowing if he really changed or if he is just scamming like usual and his time ran out with her where he had to marry her or she would kick him out. Plus, she thinks he doesnt see his kids because I wont let him, so he is off the hook for that. I am just so angry with myself for still hurting over him. We have been divorced for 3 years, seperated for 4, yet knowing he will be marrying someone else is killing me. I was the only on out of everyone he dated that he married,that was supposed to be my thing, to have his name,not someone elses who has been around for less that a year and has no idea about him

Greg- FYI, ego has nuthing to do with it, but of course a man would think that way. It has to do with feeling used and not worth the time. It has to do with him having nothing to do with our children, yet he is marrying a woman who has a son he will be caring for. It is about finding out how to get over him and realizing that he will never change. Ego has nothing to do with this situation. Hurt and betrayal and abandonment has everything to do with it, so thanks for your "advice" but you can keep it. I feel sorry for you if you ever have daughters that get hurt by a man.

FYI to all others. Thank you so much for the advice. I am actually in counceling to figure out why he has this hold on me. He was the first love of my life and we do have children together. The only reason I didnt take him back last summer was because I knew I couldnt do that to my kids again. They are my first thought on this and why I will never take him back. I have dated and actually was engaged. I broke it off when he became too possessive. I couldnt even wear lipstick without him thinking I was wearing it for another man. Anyway, I have started walking, and thinking, I start a new job next month and I am focusing on my kids and how to get them through life knowing their father wants nothing to do with them. But with everything he has done, I never bad mouth him. I dont even ask for child support because I know I would never see it and I know it wouldnt help my kids have their father in their life. We struggle, but at least I know I can do it on my own.

Just to clarify, the whole thing about the last name is this. I was with him for so long, even waited during the times he left, and when he finally married me I was thrilled. I felt that I was finally worth at least that. Plus, to be honest I wanted the same name as my children, I was tired of getting looked down upon for having a different last name. I know better now, but during the time I was with him my self esteem was so low, I needed at least that to feel worthy. Im probably not helping. It is hard to explain but I tried. So even the name thing has nothing to do with ego, it was again about my children and my need to feel worthy.

Answer 1

Lady, there are way too many good MEN out there to keep your mind on this BOY... well that would be my initial answer, but unfortunately there are 2 sides to every story. Consider what you are doing right now. Re-read your question and try to understand that you must love yourself more than you love ANY wanna-be man. And if you put yourself up on a pedestal long enough to realize that you are too good to put yourself BACK in a relationship where you were abused both verbally, and emotionally.. you would move on so quick his head will spin. And word to the wise honey.. THEY ALWAYS COME BACK!! Its your job to let them know that YOU are better than that! Good Luck!

Answer 2

Wow. The good thing is that he is not in your life anymore. Not unless he went to counseling for being an abusive man, I much very doubt that he is a changed man. Move on with your life and children. If he does not want anything to do with you or the children, why bother to keep thinking about it.
Be grateful that you have an opportunity to move on. Some people are unfortunate and die on the hands of their abusive partner. You deserve a better life, not his last name! Wish you the best!!!! = )

Answer 3

I feel your pain hon!
First of all who the hell cares what she thinks? Remove that from your head.
You sound like you could benefit from seeking help for co-dependency. I know. Been there.
You need to ask yourself why on earth would you want to be with someone who treated you this way? Do you really think he's going to be any different with his new woman? Fat chance.
Time will heal your wounds. But you need to put this behind you and get on with your life. Stop letting this jerk rent space in your head. If he doesn't want to see his kids that is HIS problem, and HIS loss. Just make sure the children have one sane parent. That has to be you.
If I were you I'd send his new bride a sympathy card! (just kidding)
Please get some help for yourself or this will destroy you. I speak from experience.

Answer 4

Go to him and tell him you want shared custody 50/50. Move within 5 miles of him so it will be able to manage. Work it as a business arrangement. Start reading some self help books on how to stop making bad decisions. Grow some self esteem. Stop worrying about the other chick, she is not going to last.

Answer 5

It's normal to hurt over a relationship. Especially one with children involved. All I can say is that you DO deserve better and now you have to think about the kids and set your feelings aside. Let him get remarried and be at peace with yourself. He obviously isn't going to stay with one girl... he'll eventually mess up that relationship too. Live your life with your children and one day you will meet someone else who DESERVES you and can give you and your family what you need. Trust me I know it's hard. It seems as if you can't go on... but you can.

One of my favorite quotes for rough times...

"If you're going through hell- Keep going."

Pray about it. Pray that God will take away your feelings for him.

Good luck.

Answer 6

You will never get over it completely, but you can put it out of the ever-present , torture spot it's in now. Just let it go, all of it. Start a new phase, try to be happy with what you have. Remember his cheating is not about you directly; he has issues of his own. Sometimes the hardest part is letting go...Give him his freedom & build a life of your own.

Answer 7

Honey you can change your name to whatever you want it to be but detach yourself from this "man". You should be thinking about your children. Would you really want your kids to grow up in a household where they see their mother being abused. Let it go and find someone who will love you and value you and your children. Hold your head up and don't think of it as losing a man, think of it as gaining self respect and dignity.

Answer 8

As hard as it might be, you have to move on... And the first step to that is forgiving him... I finally came to terms with that... and now I am hoping that my ex will find someone that makes him happy... it killed me to think of him with another woman... but I am at peace with him and really don't want that negativity... it only makes you restless...

At this point, you should be dating... Once you find someone, you will feel much better... Try to stop occupying your time thinking about him... otherwise you will prolong your anguish... Good Luck

Answer 9

Well get over a lover is hard, because you think of the postivite before the negative. So give it time. On the meantime, spend time with yourself and your children. Get to know them better than ever. Well for him, then don't contact him or don't answer him when he wants to contact him. He moved on, so should you.

Answer 10

This has nothing to do with "him" and everything to do with your HUGE ego. Usually, it's men who have these kind of ego issues. Stop pretending it's about anything but your ego, let it go, and move on. It's the simplest thing in the world to do, but you have to do it.