Living With A Passive Agressive Husband [[only read & respond if you have this in your life]]?

Question

He is the poster child for passive aggressive. Promises to change then never does, makes all sorts of promises and never keeps them, lies and lies and lies, never vents anger, acts like he is the NICEST person in the world only to let me down time and again. Please, if you have this is your relationship tell me how you get thru it. I'm only 19 and am afraid that this has ruined our marriage. We will have been married for 3 years this October. I really want to make this work.

Yes I did get married young, and admit it was not smart. He is 21, and I'm 19. Weather we got married at 16 and 18 or 45 and 47 Passive Aggressive is Passive Aggressive.

I only got this answer once, but I HAVE to address it. Having the expectations of my husband to tell me the truth, keep his promises and BASICALLY treat me like a person do NOT need to be toned down. I DESERVE to be treated like a person, and no one is going to tell me different.

Answer 1

Get counseling to have him see what he does and how to correct it

Answer 2

First off, not everyone who marries young inevitably ends up in divorce or a bad marriage, and not every marriage between older people works out, either.

However, if you are 19, how old is he? If he's as young as you are, or close to it, chances are he doesn't have the emotional or communication skills to behave better than he does.

If he's older than you, he has still chosen to marry a very young girl, which tends to make me guess that he's not that emotionally mature.

Any any case, given what you've said, it's likely that developing good communication skills on both your parts will make a lot of difference.

I'm guessing that, as you are so young, you don't have heaps of money. Therefore, I am also suggesting you join a church, for two reasons:
1. Most pastors are training in counselling, and can work either either of you or both of you, and don't charge fees;
2. Most churches have groups ranging from anger management training to communication skills training, again at very low fee rates

An alternative to joining a church could be private counselling, if you can afford it; and an alternative to that could be working with social services agencies in your area.

By learning communication and behavioural skills, you will get some perspective on your (and his) behaviours and actions, and how those interplay in your marriage. Once you (both or separately) have some perspective, then you will be better able to decide between you whether or not you can make this marriage work, over the long term.

Talk to your husband about it, if he doesn't seem interested in doing anything about the issues you mention here, that will be a clear red flag to you.

Answer 3

Dear Confused I apologize for the stupid answers you were given. Ok maybe you were young but you know that is in the past, you are in this situation now.

I was married the day before I turned 20 and I wasn't pregnant! The first thing that most people ask! My husband was Passive Aggressive, infact he could have been the poster child for PA.

I have two wonderful children but I suffered horribly and so did the kids. I was raised that you don't give up you fight to make it right, but honey you can't do this when the sickness is not in you but him!

He finally went to therapy and went on meds to work on his problems...20 years later! But even when he was doing great for a short while he slipped and the lying and returned and he stopped going to therapy and stopped taking the meds.

Don't wake up and decide 20 years later that you and your kids deserve better like I did. Leave now and tell him that if he wants you back enough then he'll get help. When he does put him on probation....make him earn the right back into your life. You are special and it is an honor to be in your life.

You might find out that love is not enough. I finally left and went on a truly wonderful interntet site where in the first year I had over 5000 responses to my candid site. I am with a wonderful man that treats me and my children so good that I wonder why I ever wasted so much time with my ex? But,,,then I realise that I probably wouldn't have appreciated my Stephen as much as I do if I hadn't gone through that hell!

Good luck honey, and all the love and support of all of us, not just women I should add, that have gone through this!

Answer 4

I went through this same phase, I am not 21 and suffered all through high school. If I was hurt emotionally I would bottle this up and keep it hidden until I exploded on my loved ones when it was time to burst, I was constantly hurting my loved ones. The promise to change comes with not accepting who you are and what you have became, I had to do some therapy and anger management to control this outrage of lies and bottling up my anger. I was only hurting myself inside. I hurt everyone I loved and then acted like I did nothing wrong and they were the wrong ones. The first step is acknowledging that you have a problem. If you want to make this work then it will take a lot of work and strain for you. He needs to seek help and it would be good for you to attend with him for support, a relationship counselor also helped me open up and let go a the small things I got angry at. I am not changed for the better but still learning little things each and every day. I hope he changes for you. The worst thing to do is threaten to leave him, in a time of need like this, he just needs that wake up call and push in the right direction.

Answer 5

Yes, I've been there... divorced him 2 years ago. The problem is that women mature alot faster then men. I married my ex at the age of 18... was married to him for 6, VERY LONG years. He cheated, never kept a job, lied about the littlest things. Things that didn't even matter. My two children and I have been two years without him, and I am remarried now... it was the best decision I could have ever made. He still doesn't have a job or a place to live. Still lies, and will never have the chance to let my kids down again. If you want to make it work... he has to put in the effort to and admit there is a problem. If he doesn't... its already over with. Good luck.

Answer 6

I also have a passive aggressive husband. I married him when I was 16 and he was 19. If he does not get what he wants or he feels I am giving more to the children or our grandchild he pouts or if I approach him about issues I feel we have in the marriage he refuses to discuss it--everything is fine, leaving me feeling when I vent my frustration like the guilty party or someone who can't deal. This has continued throughout our marriage and we have been married 25 years. Plus we have extremely different parenting styles which has made it difficult for us lately. Don't get me wrong I do love him although at this time not sure what type of love it is, in love or care about him deeply--anyway I feel we should have gone to couples counseling to help us deal with the young age marriage and agree early on about important issues. I would suggest you try to get him to go to counseling with you (get a good marriage/family therapist) or if he won't you go to try and work out your feelings and see if this is a relationship you want to stay in for the long haul--don't stay for children if there are any or because you feel sorry for him or you are afraid. If you come to the conclusion that nothing will change and you will be happier out of this relationship then your children (if there are some) will be happier and better adjusted too.

Answer 7

I agree, but you first have to treat yourself like you deserve to be treated. We always blame the spouse for unfair treatment when the fact is our tolerance level is so low. You've even elected to give his careless attitude a "reasonable cause" by claiming he's passive aggressive. The truth is, if he was really passive aggressive he would be in denial of any wrong doing and wouldn't admit to changing his ways.

Stop digging for the truth, you'll never get it that way. His problem lies between "sharing his emotions" and "taking you for granted", both a result of his upbringing which is no excuse. But in order to help him, you should know and deal with the source. Stopped acknowledging his lies and don't hold him to his promises. In other words, if you take away the attention he "blindly" crave as a result of this ........... he will stop.

Child psychology at it's finest!

Answer 8

passive agressive? I understand the passive part, it's usually there just to "keep the peace" but agressive, how can he be agressive if he's always nice and never gets angry. Maybe this is your problem, you are always asking for unreal expectations, he just wants to make you happy, but the things you ask for are ridiculious, so he tries to pasify you by saying yea, yea i understand i'll change. Why the hell would you want to change him anyway. Is he some massive drug addict, or does he cheat all the time, maybe he's lazy and does not work. Even more he probably has no idea he's letting you down, really it's marrige what did you expect.. you could make a zebra change it's stripes. Keep this in mind too, if you want more from a person, you have to give too. It's not all about you. Maybe your too young and should'nt have gotten married, if you can't deal with the comprimises and sacrifices the are needed in a marrige.

Answer 9

I don't have it in my marriage now. I am sorry, there is nothing you can do to change him. He has to want to change. I am sorry, I know that must soun trite.

All we can do is to look inside ourselves and ask, "Why do I let myself to be treated in this way? What is in me that makes others think it is okay to behave this way?"

When you change, he will either change or the relationship will end. One of you will no longer be able to stay. I pray that you can work it out. You are so young. Is he older than you? The best thing you can do is find some professional help so that you can grow. It is unlikely he will want to go with you. Right now he is probably satisfied with how his life operates, through his passive-aggressive behavior he gets all his needs met and may even feel pretty good about himself. If you change, and if he no longer is satisfied with his life, he may take a good look at himself and decide he needs to change as well. God Bless. I will be praying for you.

Answer 10

I am a man who was passive-agressive to two wives, as well as being abusive to my first. My second wife was also passive-agressive to me. I can only say that at age 25 it was hard enough, at 19 you need to unburden yourself from anything putting obstacles in your way, and that includes abuse. Yes, passive-agressive treatment of you is abuse, and it hurts. I know. It may be something medicine and treatment may help in this guy, but it is only your problem if you see genuine change. If the sighing and making you feel guilty is his way of getting what he wants, if you give in to anything that demeans you, it always will. He always will. There are men who will treat you with respect, don't settle for anything less. But make sure you give it as well. It's all give and take...Hope you're smarter than I was... mpi

by the way, I've been alone since 7-29-1999, the day she left me. It's ridiculously lonely without someone, but I'm spared many more issues that kill the heart.

Answer 11

Wow! I know that can be tough. Ive been married to the same type for 23 years! it is so difficult, you are always made out to be the bad guy in every situation big or small cause he is "so nice" no one can believe he would do anything. It is so hard, my husband only shows the aggressive side to me, he has a different voice he even uses for everyone else! his aggressive side toward me doesn't lean toward abuse or anything of the sort, lots of times the aggression is toward others but he will only express it to me never the actual person or situation it should be taken up with. this puts a big burden on me. I don't think they can change with out counseling, and even then this is probably a lifelong battle. their personality is ingrained in them, it will always be there, they will have to be trained to consciously make an effort about everything. I can ask my husband a question as simple as "is the phone ringing?" (im hard of hearing) and he will answer it then get mad at me cause he says i TOLD him the phone was ringing! when I only asked him if it was. i would suggest counseling for your husband if you want to save your marriage. you may benefit from it too. you will always have to be the strong person in your relationship. you will have to step up and probably take care of every thing requiring attention in your life. i have. sorry for the distressing news. im going thru a bad spell with it myself!