Honest opinions on my lust poem...?

Question

The Worship


Be God to me
Meaning
Create me anew.
I too will
reconstruct your temple.
I will place honey dripped
remnants of me upon your breasts,
Vibrate your altar,
and sacrifice my flesh
for your approval.
Underneath a grey
stained glass window
a repetitive chant of the willing
will leak from our lips,
ignite our spirits,
and in a rapture
only visible to Angels
we will be converted.

Answer 1

It does evoke emotion. Keep at it, you may have something.

Answer 2

It's very good. Couple suggestions:

Title is great!
1. Line 1- If this poem is written by a man to a woman than change God to Goddess.
2. Line 7- remove "of me"; it's too redundant
3. Line 8 - consider replacing the word "vibrate"; it gives a bad visual. Try something about an "offering" on the alter.
4. Line 11 - Must the stained glass window be grey? Is this poems at night, are you illuding to nighttime. I understand you're describing a church, most stained glass windows are bright and colorful. I, personally, would change the color to a "golden" color.

Answer 3

I am bothered by some of the words that take away from the poetry of the poem. such as "meaning". A poet doesn't baldly state an intention. Then the word "vibrate"--it sounds clinical, like a vibrator. Why is the wndow grey? A stained glass window would not be grey, unless you are referring to the look of it in the dark of night. "Place" doesn't sound right, when you are talking about spurting. "Leak" sounds rather insipid. Be conscious of your diction.
The idea of the poem is original, so why not use original language?

Answer 4

Pretty good. Have you seen "Celebration" by Leonard Cohen? Same basic principle.

I have said that in my religion, the word "worship" takes on a specific meaning. It has one thing in common with Christians, in that it is done kneeling.

Answer 5

it incredibly is long, yet in assessment to extremely some long poems, i ought to study all a thank you to the tip, and it drew me in. it ought to need some touchings up on a number of the stanzas that don't sound real, yet all in all it exchange into significant, deep and a exhilaration to study. thank you for sharing

Answer 6

You truly speak of the pompotous of Love deez

Answer 7

Yup, sounds like you can convince a woman that you can love her forever