My wife is no longer interested in having a sexual relationship?

Question

I still love my wife dearly, but sha as made it plain that she do's not want to have sex. I have tried talking to her but she is adament she is no longer inerested in a sexual relationship. She is 7 years older than me and I still need a physical relationship, she claims she still loves me. What should I do, I don't want to upset her but I have sexual needs.

Answer 1

Sorry about that.

The 7 year difference could be a factor:

Menopause, chemical imbalance from it.
Has been complaining of sweats when its cool? Plus look up other things regarding menopause to see if she fits the symptoms.
Any life style changes for her? Did she used to frequent areas where she had lots of her 'girlfriends' around? Yes, I am hinting about the possibility that she may be bi and is interested in women this time around.

other things to consider:
Possible physical causes in females include:
o anaemia - which is very common in women, because of iron loss during their periods (and in childbirth).
o alcoholism.
o drug abuse.
o generalised disorders, such as diabetes.
o post-baby coolness (PBC): this is the term we have coined for the extremely common loss of libido that occurs after childbirth. It is almost certainly linked to the violent changes in hormones that occur at this time, though oddly enough, no clear-cut changes in hormones have ever been identified. The general trauma of childbirth also plays a part - and after having a baby, many women are simply too exhausted to think about sex!
o prescribed drugs, particularly tranquillisers.
o hyperprolactinaemia - a rare disorder in which the pituitary gland is overactive.
o other hormone abnormalities: in 2006, leading Swiss gynaecologist Dr Michael Nemec claimed to us that abnormalities in the production of luteinising hormone (LH) often cause lack of desire. And in December 2006, top British gynaecologist John Studd announced at a conference in Vienna that many women who have lost their libido are suffering from lack of androgenic (male) hormones.
You may be surprised that we haven't mentioned the menopause as a physical cause of loss of desire. In fact - contrary to myth - it doesn't usually cause loss of libido, and many women feel a lot sexier (and have more orgasms) in the postmenopausal part of their life.
Psychological causes
These causes are very common. It's entirely understandable that when a woman is having a bad time emotionally, she may lose interest in sex.
Psychological causes include:
o depression
o stress and overwork
o anxiety
o hang-ups from childhood
o past sexual abuse or rape
o latent lesbianism
o serious relationship problems with the husband/partner
o difficult living conditions - eg sharing a home with parents or parents-in-law.

Good Luck!

Answer 2

You didn't mention your wife's age. When some women begin menopause or are a few years into menopause, they no longer have a sex drive. It is hormonal. The hormones that makes us feel like we want sex is mostly testosterone, and some women experience a severe drop in testosterone during menopause.
This can also occur in women too young to be in menopause.

Your wife can seek help from her gynocologist, or a Dr. who specializes in sexual problems. There are prescriptions to help restore natural hormone levels in the body, that restore a woman's sex drive.

If this is a deal-breaker for you; You can't live without sex... Be sure to tell her and be supportive.
Threatening her with an affair will only make her less apt to want to make a change. Stomping around and sighing heavily, fretfully tugging at the sheets and pressuring her will not work.
If after talking to her, being supportive with offering solutions, and having patience doesn't work... Then you may have to concider a divorce. Some women will *let* their husbands have sexual realtionships outside of the marriage - but most will not.

You still desire sex, so you may have to make some difficult choices...but always be true to yourself.

Answer 3

Yaknow.. I don't usually reply to questions that rub me the wrong way, but the fact that you stated you were "Pretty firm with her" regarding not staying together if she can't have more sex raises my hackles. Soooo...you married her just for sex? Sorry, but you're an a****le, and usually I'm the one who sticks up for the husband wanting more sex, but in your case, if I were your wife, I would have cut you off just for spite. She asked you if you wanted sex, so she's accomodating your needs. What's the issue? Do you want her to have to beg you for sex? Maybe she finds you, your technique, or your attitude disgusting.... What if she were to come down with an illness where sex wasn't a possibility... would you issue an ultimatum then? So you used to get sex once a week.. you now get sex once a week "i have 2 children and receive the same amount of sex as i was before the children were born. " Again... you said the sex life has degraded... is it because YOU are bored? Is it because SHE is bored? Is it because you've been a dud in bed for the past 13 years and while you're a great husband and father otherwise, the sex just doesn't meet her standards and she doesn't want to hurt your feelings? I think you need to get some marriage counseling if you want this to work...and you need to do something about your little attitude that sex should be the basis of a good marriage.

Answer 4

You don't mention your ages, only that she is older than you. Many times when women go through menopause, not only do they experience hormonal changes that decrease their libido, they also experience physical changes that would make sex uncomfortable. Even if it isn't menopause, there are medical conditions that could decrease your wife's sex drive. Please go to a doctor with her or at least print out some articles and present the information to her in a loving way. Explain to your wife that while you do crave a physical relationship, it is her that you crave it with and you don't want to lose that very exciting part of your relationship. Tell her that her health is worth the effort and so is your marriage. Meanwhile, educate yourself on women's sexual health - it isn't always a rejection of you, there may be something going on that even she is not aware of. I have included some links that you may find useful.

Answer 5

Sounds like you are asking if it's okay to go have sex with someone else because your wife doesn't want to sex. I'm reading between the lines :)

Does she still love you? If yes, then there must be an underlying cause. A visit to your GP is in order as there are many illnesses that could result in a loss in sex drive.

Answer 6

I know this answer will get me "thumbs-down" but its my honest answer coming from a woman.

You should tell her how you feel and that sex is a big thing for you, and if she cant give it to you, you will need it from somewhere (I know that sounds so harsh but thats basically what you're saying isnt it?).

I know that if I was in your wifes situation and I thought my husband would be up to something behind me back because he wasnt getting it at home, I would try so hard to try and sort out the problem. Because lets face it, shes the one with the problem. See if she'll visit a doctor about the way she feels and talk it over with her some more.

Answer 7

We need participants for an exciting psychological research study on sexuality: Can you help?

Description of Project: We are researching how personal and interpersonal sexual expectations and beliefs affect sexuality and sexual function. As a participant you will complete two short online questionnaires, one now (Part 1), and one in three months’ time (Part 2). Of course, all of the information you provide will be strictly confidential and anonymous. This is pioneering research – your participation will be important and beneficial to the field of sexuality. Your time and consideration is greatly appreciated.

To participate in the study, please follow the link below.

https://kentpsych.eu.qualtrics.com/SE/?SID=SV_cCPGvU644tVPbYp

Important: You must at least 18 years old to participate.

The participation deadline is Friday the 21st of February 2014.

This research is being conducted under the supervision of Professor Joachim Stoeber, School of Psychology, University of Kent, Canterbury, Kent, CT2 7NP and has been reviewed and approved by the School of Psychology’s Research Ethics Committee.

Answer 8

Ask her to see a doctor. Go with her.

Many times depression or hormonal imbalance can cause people to lose their sex drive (or not develop one at all). Your wife might balk at the idea of going to see a doctor. But ask her if she loves you. She will say of course. Then say, "If you love me you'll do this for me."

If she still doesn't want sex after being in treatment for six months or so, then I guess you have to decide whether you can live with that or not. I hope that you're able to work things out.

Answer 9

I agree with katehughes, tell your wife that she is being unreasonable and cruel in refusing you sex, and would she mind if you went somewhere else for this. After all, I don`t suppose you deny her anything? Well fair`s fair. If she`s got any sense she sort herself or the problem out. If she`s not willing to, I`d call it a day `cos why should she make your life miserable over it?

Answer 10

I went through the same thing and after six years I couldn't take it any more. I couldn't accept the idea of having a wife but having sex with someone else so for six years there was no sex.
Getting out was the best thing I ever did.