is it worth it to stay in an unhappy marriage for the kids????

Question

my parents divorced when I was 5. and I remember needing my father to be with me very frequently. I have benn trying to keep this idea away from my mind......but things between me and my husband are not working out. I usually get frustrated and then I get moody and don't have any patience for my 15 months old. It really makes me feel very bad. But....should I sacrifice myself in order for my baby to grow with her father by her side. She adores him!!!! and calls him out constantly............................ ??????????????????????????????????????????????????? oh!! I also think I might be pregnant again

This is for "avengres" 's answer...: I would never give my baby to ANYONE!!!! And read carefully to see if you really noticed what you just said. I'm tired of talking with my husband over and over...and i'm not blaming him at all of what is going on between us. Is just not working well. So don't tell me it is all on me.........I wonder if you have ever been able of even establishing a relationship with someone. Doesn't sound like it.........................................

Answer 1

Hmm. Things aren't adding up. You say you're not getting on well with your husband - but you think you may be pregnant again - seems to me you're not as far apart as you may feel.

SOOO, before you throw in the towel, I suggest counselling. Lots of it - both for you individually and for your family as a whole.

I'd start with you first - often spouses won't attend family meetings until they have absolutely no choice - so let's start with the only person you have control over - you. There are things you need to work out - what causes you to fight with your husband, why you get moody, what your expectations are - for yourself, your husband, your child, your career, etc. and are they realistic? ANd unresolved issues about your upbringing etc. All kinds of things.

Now then. Do this for YOU - yes Y-O-U. Not for your child, not for your husband, marriage, parents, etc. YOU. I think once you discover the real you and what you need in this world, you'll be better equipped to work things out with your husband. And have a lot better handle on your baby.

Now this won't be easy. The counsellor won't take sides or tell you concrete yes or no things - Nor will s/he "approve" of your decisions as a parent would - but s/he will support that you actually made a decision. S/He will however ask the kind of probing questions you may be reluctant to ask yourself - that can be painful - but getting answers to those difficult questions is part of the discovery process.

Answer 2

If you are really unhappy and cannot make your relationship work, it is better to get out now than to stick around and be miserable for the next 18 years. Kids raised in an environment where Mom and Dad fight all the time aren't happy, either.

My partner and his ex-wife split up when their daughter was 14 months old. She is now 2 1/2, and is happy and well-adjusted. She doesn't remember Mom and Dad living together, and still gets to enjoy spending time with each of her (much happier) parents.

One of my co-workers -- who is now 24 -- went through her parents' divorce as a baby, and is glad that they divorced then. She has a great relationship with both parents and their new spouses, and didn't have to go through the pain of the divorce.

If you want to stay together for the kids, that is certainly your choice. But if you don't think you can do it for the rest of your life, then the best choice is to get out now. A parent's divorce is gong to be more painful to an adult child than a 15 month old.

Answer 3

If you are unhappy in the marriage, your children will also feel this too based on how your treat yourself and the children. We don't think our children feel the pressure in the household but they do.

Try some marriage counseling to see if you can get the marriage back on track again. Find out why you are getting frustrated and lose your patience. We have to earn our way out of a marriage and do everything we can to make it work rather than running away so quickly.

Normally women try to change a man, or in the beginning of a marriage women did everything for a man. Then down the road the woman thinks ... "why isn't he helping me around the house?" Why do I do everything? Most of the time it is OUR fault because we did it in the beginning.

If after counseling, things are the same, then it's best for you to move on AND remain civil to your husband for your child(ren) sake!

Answer 4

Think of why you don't "love" your spouse anymore. What makes you think you never loved that person? Apparently you cared for them because you stayed with them long enough to get married but ask yourself if you are IN love with them. If not then why? Make a list of the things you feel like are missing from your relationship. Is it compassion and comfort? Then those can be worked on. Maybe you are going through what I call a "dry spell" in a relationship and don't worry, almost everyone does this. People that are together for so long sometimes get to a point where they think they don't need the other person or they don't love the other person. I've done this before and I'm not afraid to admit it because other people have too! Times like these make you appreciate your spouse. What you can do is take a day off for just "you time." Go do the things you like to do. (Remain faithful of course.. I just mean go out and enjoy your hobbies.) While your gone, try to ask yourself questions like "Am I missing my spouse right now?", "Would I enjoy this better if they were here with me?" It sounds silly but try it. It might work.. =)

Answer 5

I guess it depends on why you are unhappy. I'm not sure why everyone seems to think life is about being happy all the time. It's also about honoring commitments and taking care of our responsibilities. Marriage isn't an easy thing. Anyone can stay married during good times, but it takes someone that is really committed to their spouse and their family to stick it out throught the bad times. You and your husband will change over the course of your lifetime together. You will have happy days, unhappy days, but most days are just average, normal days. You will fall in and out of love several times during the course of your marriage. A couple that had been married 80 was asked how they did it, they said they were just lucky that neither of them fell out of love with each other at the same time. Your feelings are important, don't get me wrong, but you can do something about that on your own. Get involved in activities outside of the home, start a hobby, start a journal, or whatever will help you feel more valued as a person, but leaving your husband isn't going to make you happy either. Then you will have the guilt of separating your child from her father, and you will have to deal with going through a (possible) pregnancy alone. Then you will have child support issues and visitation schedules to follow and then when you meet another man, you have to worry about if he will love your children as much as you, or if he sees them as a burden.
I see on here "life's too short to be unhappy" a lot, but why would getting a divorce make you a happier person? It is your job to do things that make you happy, it's not up to your husband to do that. If you did something for yourself, then he probably wouldn't get on your nerves so much.

Answer 6

I would say if your both or either behaving badly the child will be most unhappy as well but have you considered trying all options ie; counselling sometimes it works if you both want to put the effort in please don't give up too easy but if you just can't make it work then separate and never put each other down to the children. Being a good parent alsways means some sacrifices for the kids. Good luck hope you both try at least.

Answer 7

Is there abuse in the marriage? If yes, get out now.

If no, then both of you need to be adults and go to counseling. You are responsible for the life you have made, and for your child(ren). Marriage has wonderful benefits, but it is also very difficult. You can't expect life to be all roses and romance.

There are times in my marriage when I can barely stand to look at my husband. It is during those times that I make the point to work really hard to be kind to him, approach him to offer assitance, speak with a quiet voice, etc. I've noticed he does the same thing. It never fails, we recover from the stress of the moment and are able to see the good in each other again.

Your child deserves a whole family, not a broken one.

Answer 8

Honey, I've been married for 20+ years and I can tell you from experience that it is not worth raising children in an enviroment that is not healthy. There is good and bad in every relationship. My husband and I did not get along 90% of the time but I stayed for my children and because of financial reasons. I regret every minute I stayed. I should have left along time ago and never looked back. My children are grown now and they often tell me now that they don't understand why I stayed because they witnessed all the horrible things that happened. I'm sure they may not have understood when they were small. But I like you thought that I was doing them a favor by remaining with their father. Trying to give them a "whole family" not wanting to be one of the statistics where children grow up in a home without a father. If I had someone to talk to way back then I would have known better, however I went through all that I did because now I can help other women who are going through the same thing to make better choices for themselves and their children. Believe me you are not doing your child a favor by staying. This does not mean that they can not have a relationship with their father. I strongly believe that fathers are very important in their children's lives and should spend as much time with them as possible, but as far as the marriage goes, if you are not getting along and don't love each other, children are very smart, they can sense this whether they know how to express it or not. I'm still marriage to this man today but am making plans for divorce right now because I realize that it was over long time ago and I made a bad choice to stay. I don't want to spend another 20 years being unhappy. I want someone who will love me unconditionally. I haven't loved my husband in years. We haven't told that lie to each other. Wait a minute, I'm suppose to be helping you. I'm sorry I got caught up in my own mess. Take it from me, and learn from my experience. Don't take it out on your child. Don't get frustrated with them. I will say this it's takes two to make it work and if ya'll are walking in different directions, then it may be time to call it quits but at the same time "IF" you feel like the both of you can work it out with counseling and that's what "YOU BOTH" want then by all means seek counseling from someone who's been there and done that. You know you can get by the book counseling, but ain't no help like true experience. Just take your time and weigh things out and make your best decision and when you do, stick to it. Think of your child and yourself. Marriage is no joke. You got to walk and talk the same or it ain't gone work I don't care what nobody says. I wish the best for you. Remember things can only get better from here.

Lots of Peace and Lost of Love

Answer 9

Research was conducted to explore exactly that issue: should parents stay together for the sake of the children?

Apparently, whether the parents were together and fought, which will cause problems, or were together but didn't fight - but sulked, which will also cause problems - or whether they parted and fought or sulked, all of which can cause problems - the greatest pain and lasting effects on children was whether the child picked up from one or both parents - together or apart, fighting or not - that there was not hope or the future.
That did mean hope for the relationship as a couple or a marriage, but a general sense of hopelessness or futility about the future.

Sadly, many parents are so full of blame, meanness, spite, resentment and vengefulness that their hatred (let's name it!) for each other ourweights the love they claim to feel for their children.
Certainly many children feel excluded, unloved, unwanted and unworthy because of the parents' antagonism and frustration towards each other!

You say that you feel really bad because you get moody and lack patience with your 15 month old baby. Well, it;'s understandable, but how bad will you have to feel before you stop treating her as if it's her fault?
Harsh, I know, but I'm imaging how she will make sense of both parents reducing the amount of love they direct towards her? Of course, she will not think it consciously, but it will seep into her bones and into her psyche. It might even be triggering the behaviour that triggers your impatience!

That is one of the other lamenatble fall-outs of parents falling out - the child often thinks it's their fault. Perhaps you were lucky and yoyr parents were able to consider your feelings as they decided then went through divorce? Perhaps your mother was able to put your feelings of loss above her own when you needed your father?

Perhaps your daughter's adoration of her father, and her constant calling for him, stirs up unacknowledged feelings from your childhhod? Or makes you feel jealous and resentful?
That would be quite understandable, but it would not excuse pushing to her to one side.
A wounded child is the callateral damage that some parents are willing to accept as part of their war!

I am not assuming anything about how you and your husband treat each other. It might well the case that you act with dignity and restraint. It might even be that your frustration indicates that you still love him.

If you decide to stay 'for her sake' it would be highly desirable that you and your husband work out whatever it is that needs to be sorted. Instead of defending oppositional positions, perhaps you need to finds shared interests - your daughter, for example - and possibly the other child?
That might help you to negotiate the problem area and, if you cannot resolve it, perhaps separate with dignity and mutual respect. Allow yourself to follow through in this act of courage, because that is what it took for you to stop trying to keep the idea away from your mind.

I am not denying or demeaning your pain, but I want to get over the message that your child is depending on BOTH of you to have her interest at heart, to put her first, to consider her feelings.
If only one of you can manage that, then, although it's an added burden, sadly, that's just the way it is.

If neither of you has that much strength of character, then, although it will be of little help, my heart goes out to all of you.

It's going to be a bumpy ride ! I have just written a short article on Fierce Conversations, which is a book by Susan Scott.

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/NewLearningPatterns/

Answer 10

I am also a child of divorce. They divorced when I was young but I can still recall the arguments even to this day. BUT, my parents did it the good way (the divorce) they did not use my brother and I in their own battles after the divorce, we were always told it was their problem not ours, to remember the other parent as our parent, etc. Never once till the day they died did they speak bad of the other one to us. So its how you make a divorce happen for the children's sake.

For me, I stayed for the kids, hid the turmoil, so they grew up in a so called loving environment and never were aware of any problems. regrets? sometimes but its not an option for me for now at this point and kids are grown happy and well adjusted. It worked, for me? its ok too.