Have I dont the right thing?

Question

Ok, so my husband decided to end out marriage last month, and has been utterly vile to me since, mental, verbal and then a few nights ago physical abuse. I threw him out that night and he went and stayed in a hotel. Mentally and emotionally I have made a big step forward to us ending in that I have accepted it is over. However there is obviously alot to sort out, children, finances, house etc. So I have made some steps such as opening my own bank account, booking an apt to see a solicitor, splitting our debt etc. However he is doing nothing. He wants us to be over, but to live in the same house, make no moves to end it and verbally abuses me because I am being proactive. Anyway my intention was for him to stay away for good, but he booked himself into a very expensive hotel rather than stay with his mum or friends and we cant afford it. So I have let him move back in but have a feeling he wont try to find anywhere else. Have i done the right thing? I dont want to move out.

Answer 1

Not just no, but HELL NO! Congratulations on growing a backbone, opening your own accounts and heading down a healthier pathway.

Keep going.

If "solicitor" is the British word for lawyer, good.

If he hasn't done it already, you may take half of all accounts and put it aside.

If you think you won't get caught, you can bloody empty them, but that will be trouble later.

Cancel your joint credit cards. He can get his own in his own name. You won't owe a dime for his bills after you see your attorney.

Go to the police, file the complaint of domestic violence and have them throw him out.

See the solicitor and file for divorce.

The solicitor (if that's a lawyer) will freeze your accounts. You will not be able to sell the house or buy an expensive new car. And neither will he. You'll be allowed to do daily things, grocery shop, pay the gas bill, but nothing out of the ordinary. And neither will he.

Your husband is a mean spirited coward. He's bullying you, abusing you and you're worried about short term finances. You've gone mental. He's succeeded in making you worry more about a hotel room bill than your own peace of mind, security and future. You're allowing your children to learn that this type of behavor is acceptable. It isn't.

So do all the work and be rid of him. Document his vile actions along the way so your children can see as little of him as possible.

Quickly please, dear. Your road to happiness depends on it.

And, the faster you get to it, the less financial damage he can do.

Answer 2

If he is (or can be violent) it is a bit risky letting him stay in the house. If you really want to get him out get the locks changed while he's at work and leave his stuff in the garden. Not strictly legal (or moral) but it'll work. Also move some of the money from the household account into your newly opened account so that he can't strip it bare.........men behave very strangely in these situations and you need to protect yourself. If you tell the bank you are splitting they will freeze any joint accounts and only let stuff with both your signatures on through. If he has his own credit card the debt he runs up will legally be his. If you have a joint credit card you are still responsible for a share of it.....perhaps if you tell the credit card company you're splitting they will freeze joint accounts too?
Get a good solicitor. some will give an initial free 1 hour consultation.
The very best of luck......it's a horrid situation but you are doing the right thing.........be brave, be strong!

Answer 3

I think that you were a little too hasty in inviting back because i have done the same in the past and i regretted it and i ended up moving out - losing everything even my kids. Whilst he is there, if you still have access to the joint account accrue yourself some security. See a solicitor and ask about selling the house and splitting the share- my sister just did this. If it is rented you need to look at getting enough money to move out and find a place of your own. If you are in a council house contac them and ask them for some help.

Answer 4

Move out. Find out as much as you can about abusive spouses. You are endangering your self and your children. He won't get better without help. You are in need of counseling too. You should not even consider staying with him unless he is going for professional help. Don't tell him where you are either. He may become even more violent. Get help even if he doesn't. You can get aide for you and the children until you get on your feet. Women do it alone with children all the time, so can you and you and the children will be safe.

He sounds like a controller, he doesn't really want to end the marriage, he just wants to keep you insecure so he can keep you under his thumb.

Answer 5

You could cancel your name on the credit cards and/or call them and let them know you will not be responsible for any new debts that come along after whatever date you choose. If later you still end up with bad credit,it is still better than an abusive relationship. Living with him, even though he has ended the marriage, is not a good idea. The Physical Abuse that has only just begun, could very well increase. You did well, right up til you let him return as a roomie.

Answer 6

Well, you let him back in the home and being your are husband and wife, there is not much you can do. However, in order for a separation to be legal in some States, you would not co-habitate with your spouse during the separation. For instance, if you have children (you said you do) there may be a one year separation legal requirement before a divorce will be granted.
Beware: If you are really unsure of his motives, do not leave your children with your husband if you feel he may claim that you abandon them. He could change the locks then too.
Truth is, it doesn't sound as though he truly wants the marriage to end. If he has been drinking alot lately, that would explain his lack of get up and go.
If you truly want out of the marriage, you will have to wait until the divorce to obtain the finances you deserve unless he agrees to selling your home now.

Answer 7

Yes and no. You are still responsible for his debts as a wife; however, get a seperation agreement right away and put him out then. In that agreement, a paragraph will state that neither is responsible for the debts of the other. Get it written tommorrow if possible by a lawyer. Then put him out and get a restraining order by telling the police that he is pysically abusive. If he fights you again, call the police right away and be sure to cancel all credit cards immediately and open new ones in your name alone.

Till then, let him feel your cool, not your fire. Don't allow him to get into an argument with you...this should avoid him hitting you again. Speak slow and deliberate only when you have to converse with him. SLEEP IN ANOTHER ROOM, perferably with the kids.

Answer 8

BIG mistake, letting him have his cake and eat it! I have not been in an abusive relationship, so it does not make sense to me why women put up with it. You did the right thing by opening your own account and getting a solicitor organised, so psychologically speaking you want this to happen, you if I were you, I would start divorce proceedings immediately and stop feeling sorry for him. He WILL abuse you again and again, as sure as eggs is eggs. And stop telling yourself you can't move out, if he won't leave, it has to be you.

Answer 9

First of all you need to file for divorce if you are serious about it.. Your lawyer, (in some states) can then file a motion that all debts incurred from that date be separated.
You need to seek some legal advise before going much further and the sooner the better, if their are children involved usually the person that files first gets temp custody of the children, the home and all possessions. I'm not real sure, but in the state I live that's how it works.
Get to a lawyer asap.
Good luck to you and be strong, be fair and keep your dignity.

Answer 10

Have you done the right thing by letting this loser go, OH YES! I had a friend who went through the same thing, the man wouldn't leave, like he was entitled or something so she waited, six LONG months for the divorce to be final and the judge not only granted her the house and ALL the belongings in it but him 30 days to vacant. It was a glorious day for her. Oh one more thing, she filed for legal separation while he was still there and from that day forward she cancelled all credit cards and bank accounts they shared and kept track of everything SHE spent on her credit cards and so on so she would only be responsble for her own bills when they divorced and it worked, he had to pay everything he charged on his credit cards by himself.
Good luck! and keep your head up you will be free from this jerk before the ink is dry.