Domestically Challenged?

Question

My boyfriend comes from a very traditional Italian family. While he is more modern than what his upbring taught him, he still believes in a lot of traditional gender roles. As do I. I went to school, have a degree and work full time. We both believe in equal financial contributions to the home and equal responsiblities with child care (we don't have kids, yet) He also does believe in helping with chores; however, we both agree that the wife tends to over see the domestic upkeeping of the home. I was raised that way, as was he.

The problem is, I'm domestically challenged; despite growing up with a mother who had a pristinely kept home. I'm afaird my inability to have a well kept home will reflect badly on me to my in-laws. My FMIL is an amazing cook and has a nice home. My bf brother's wives (all 3 of them) are also great cooks and have lovely homes.

I believe in a clean house, but can't seem to kept it neat all the time. I'm a bit scattered and not well organized.

I also can not cook. I can boil water, but usually burn whatever goes in it. My mother was never a cook either and had the same problem.

I want to change these traits about myself. I want my in-laws to believe I will be a good wife to their son. I don't want to be most incompentent daugther in law out of the 4 of us.

What can I do w/ this problem?

I also want to do this, b/c I want my children to grow up in a well kept home and to eat well.

Answer 1

Now this totally isn't my cup of tea and I panic at the thought of strict gender roles...

That said, I respect that you've found someone with an outlook similar to your own and you want to find a way to make it work. So... how about sitting down with his mom and being honest. Explain that you want to be a good wife, but you are lacking in certain areas and you could use some help. I'm guessing she'd be delighted to teach you how to cook some of your fiance's favorite meals. And it would give you a chance to really get to know her.

As far as general housekeeping, what about talking to your own mother to find out how she managed to keep her home so impeccable?

Answer 2

First of all, a good wife is not defined by the home she keeps, but the love she gives her husband. It may be that the reason you're not good at it is because your mother always did it, and you didn't ever really learn HOW to keep house, just that it always looked good. And did your mother work, or was she at home all the time? It's much easier to have a pristine home when you have all day to keep it up, rather than a few hours here and there after work. Talk to your mom and in laws, take some cooking classes to get the basics, and lighten up-this is not what married life is all about.

Answer 3

There are many sayings appropriate to your situation, but I cannot recall the exact wording. This jist is the only person you should compete against is yourself - keep trying and striving to do better than you did the last time and don't worry about what anyone else is doing. If you want to do these things for yourself and not to make yourself into someone else to impress the in-laws (when you and your husband's opinions are the important ones) maybe you could take a cooking class in your spare time though I am sure that is limitted. Lately I have gotten into a show on the home improvement channels on cleaning tips and shortcuts and one on organization, you could try that for tips or ask a friend who is organized to help.

Cut yourself some slack...no one can expect anyone to be superwomam. Personally, I enjoy a clean house, but also one that is comfortably lived in not museum like.

If your in laws do not pop over unannounced on a regular basis I am sure you can have a picture perfect house (at least on surface inspection) on a couple hours notice or one day a week.

Sorry for rambling.

Answer 4

If you are trying to prove that you can match the Italian culture and yet a typical American woman who works and is educated, you are working toward some pointless goals. If your bf wants someone like his mother, he'd importing one from good old Italy, or the local Italian neighborhood.

The main point is if you will be competing with the culture. If you work and professionally successful, that by itself is competing against a male oriented culture. If the husband is ok with it, then the household has to find substitutes for domestic cleaning, etc.

Another issue will be that mothers of certain cultures are matriarchs over their sons for a long time. You should be ready for a turf war whether you ask for one or not. Otherwise, you will be writing to this column again about overbearing mother in law. Italian girls know how to play the Italian family game, Jewish girls the same with their own culture, Chinese same, Filipinos have more cousins living in America than you can ever imagine. Can you play that game of unbreakable umbilical cords?

Answer 5

Hey, I'm domestically challenged too! Do you know what my husband and I do about this? He does most of the housework, since he's better at it or we just keep it a bit messy. No big deal. Of course, my own parents know me and his parents are accepting of the fact that women are not 'hardwired' to be homemakers or baby slaves.

Now, I guess you could just take some cooking classes and practice your cleaning skills, but you know, when your not that person, you're just not that person. I couldn't organize a room worth a damn and I even burn macoroni and cheese! I often forget that I'm cooking, oh well.

You, your inlaws and your boyfriend are going to have to accept that you do not fit the June Cleaver image. Traditional gender roles were done away with for a good reason. You don't fit them. Move on with it.

If your boyfriend won't marry you because you can't cook or clean, he doesn't love you and your better off without him.

Answer 6

Hire someone to clean once a week, that will take some pressure off and well worth the little bit of cash it will take to do the main cleaning.

Ask your MIL to give you her favorite recipes or teach you how to make some of her favorite dishes. Same for his brother's wives. People love to show what they know how to do and it will probably make you closer to his mother, which is never a bad thing.

Answer 7

If you marry an Italian or anyone from a male-heavy/oriented culture, including North Americans, you have to quit your high-paying job and stay at home like I did with my Filipino husband. Men from those cultures expect women to be good housewives. Your probably better off either with Germans, Scandinavians, Dutch, French, or Aussies for example. They're less likely to expect women to be housewives and are more likely okay if their woman earns more and is brilliant and plus, they're more likely to share and do housework and raise kids.

Answer 8

wow. you got your work cut out for you if you like to live like that.
if that's what you want, you can take courses in cooking, even in organizing your home.
do you know that children make messes?
anyway, if you find that you can't compete with all those stepford wives, you can always hire a housecleaner and someone to cook meals - maybe once or twice a week.

Answer 9

If you asked his mother to teach you some of his favourte dishes I'm sure she would love to. As for the cleaning, just try to keep on it, don't let it get to a mess. Practice makes perfect.

Answer 10

lt's not that difficult to keep a clean house without children. maybe you could take a cooking class