What do I do? Stay married or keep the one on the side?

Question

Im married now for 10 years. i rencently well not recently but started messing around with this girl i met. she is also married..for 9 years..i guess we were both unhappy but have kids and homes. our issue is that we cant stop seeing each other. we try to break it off but one of us keeps calling back and miss each other. then we hook up and back to being an affair. its been a year now. its hard and im stressing. we both say we want to leave and be with each other but no one will leave the house first. i am willing but i dont think she is. so i stay and find myself wanting her more than i do my wife. i think about her all the time and she does me. she calls and we meet up at the store or i go over when her husband is at work. we talk about kids life love famiy. what do i do. its stressful now i dont konw what to do. im lost. even now i want to see her. they say if you love something let it go. if it comes back it yours. well we did that 3 times and she still is here? is she mine or not?

Answer 1

I had a similar situation. I had a 2 year affair with another married woman. And we both fell in love and tried breaking off several times. We both ended our marriages. It's been 3 years and we aren't together, though I know she still loves me. We both have new people in our lives, I'm not sure we will ever be together again. Though when we get together the passion is still there. Take my advise don't leave your wife. Don't mess up your relationship with your children. Stay married and try to recommit yourself to being faithful again. Starting over sucks, and it hurts, when you think that person will be there and is not. Everybody gets hurt in divorce.
The whole relationship with the other woman is an illusion, it allows each of you an escape from all the crap and worries in your lives. It's something new, or different. Your heart is saying one thing and your mind is saying another. Listen to reason, don't screw up everybody's lives for your fantasy.
Go talk to a counselor , try to remember why you married your wife in the first place. Take a vacation alone together. Try to recapture your desire for her. Take her on regular dates.
Stay away from the other woman, it will only bring heartache.
Good Luck

Answer 2

So I just realized you're trolling... oh well, maybe my answer will help someone out there. :/ Okay guys, we all know cheating is wrong. He didn't come here to be scolded at, he came here for answers. I'm sure he feels guilty enough already - this is a tough situation. Everyone makes mistakes, minor and major, whether it's marrying the wrong person, or having an affair. It happens. No one can know what it's like unless they've been in the EXACT same situation - which is literally impossible. I'm glad all of you who have strong morals speak out about immorality. I think that's great and it gives me hope, but this man needs advice. He's asking for help. He has no where else to ask for help, so he came here. Now I'm not very religious at all, but there are a couple quotes that have stuck with me: "Let him who is without sin cast the first stone" and "Treat others as though you wish to be treated." Now that I've got past that... This is a really, really tough one. Honestly, I think you should consider divorcing your wife. Staying together for the kids is not always a good idea - it often breaks homes more so than keeps them together. I know many kids whose parents got divorced at a young age who made it just fine. What made the difference was knowing that both of their parents loved them very much, and that there wasn't any fighting in the house (because they were seperated). Just stay close to your kids - try and see them as often as possible if you do decide to divorce. If you felt you made a mistake in marrying your wife, which is a good possibility from what I read, then I say end it. Your wife isn't getting the love that every human being needs, and you're not with the person you love. Everyone makes mistakes, it's natural. I know of a family where the husband cheated on the wife, while they had kids. They divorced, and eventually came around, and are close friends. It CAN work. It's definitely not traditional, but it can work. The pain of someone cheating on you can be unbearable, so I'd say the faster you can end things, the better. It might hurt you, and it'll hurt her like hell, but time heals everything. Everything happens for a reason. It could be that your girlfriend is meant to be your wife, and she just came into your life a little too late. Or it could be the worlds way of showing you "Hey, you married the wrong person, and here's a wonderful woman to prove it. It may not work out with her, but it got you away from the mistake you made and opened up the door to who you're supposed to be with." You never know. The most important thing is to be honest with yourself. Try and fully understand everything for yourself, and think about talking to your wife about this. Hopefully I helped. Let us know what happens. Good luck to you and keep your head up.

Answer 3

A relationship goes two ways - if you try to break it off and end up getting back together cos one of you is lonely, then neither of you have very much self control.

Whatever you do, what you are doing at the moment is not fair on your wife or children, or her husband and children. I don't feel that I can tell you what to do. If you decide to break it off, then BREAK IT OFF. Don't let being lonely mean that you get together again (if you are lonely, do stuff with your wife). If you decide to get divorced, be sure you realise how bad the consequences can be - as some of the answers here show - and don't be surprised if that ends up happening.

Even if you do decide to ACTUALLY break up with the "one on the side", consider telling your wife (but only after you have already broken up). Ask her to keep it to herself, because it's not your choice what your significant other tells her husband, but be prepared for anything. Remember also that if you're unhappy in your marriage, your wife probably is too. Don't be surprised if she breaks it off, and you are left with nobody. If you want to stay together, you will need to show her that life will get better from now on.

You have a future whatever you decide. Some are better than others, but I would choose one, and just be prepared for the consequences. Even if you end up with nothing, your life isn't over. Just stay true to what you believe is right, and will hurt the least overall - not just for you, but for everybody else.

And maybe get some counselling.

Answer 4

No, she is not yours. What is wrong with your marriage that you stray? Something needs to be done to put the fire back in your marriage. Or has it been so long that you don't even know if you want it back? You need to have a long discussion with your wife. If you can't be open and honest about your needs and desires then your marriage is never going to be a happy one.
What do you imagine will happen if you get divorced and are able to be with your lover? Don't you think life will come full circle and you'll end up buried beneath responsibilities again. Same old boring routine, just with a different woman. If you feel you can't give your wife the love she deserves, you really should move on. It's not fair to her. And how do you know that she's not as bored with you? You really need to talk. Good luck. It's not going to be an easy row to hoe.
One more thing. Life is too short to be unhappy. Do something about it.

Answer 5

OK now I an going to give you a reality check. STOP this now. Of course she is wonderful, and she finds you attractive and the bast liver she has ever had.... so what. You have kids and she does too. What? your going to ruin all there lives so you can get a little extra sex and you think it is love? It isn't love its lust and damn good sex. Stop having sex with her NOW. Get back in bed with the wife and stay there. Pretend it is your ex girlfriend if you like but only have sex with the wife. If you keep seeing the other woman you will find problems and flaws with your wife. I know that wives can be booring, and they won't do all the dirt things that your girlfriend will do.... so what. Wait till the kids are out of the house and off to college, then if you still want out, go. DO NOT break up two families and crush your childrens lives. You have been selfish enough, now you know what the other side of the fence looks like. Put it back in your pants and stay home.

Answer 6

well as everyone is saying here,, i would say that yes is very wrong what you are doing. I mean what if you give your wife a disease or something?? you are not thinking about your wife at all.. If you feel you need to be with other people or want the other woman then you have to be man enough to talk to your wife and separate,, do you know how much your wife would suffer if she found out?? that is not fair for her at all. And the other girl you are seeing she is married too so she has sex with her hubby too , if you ended up together most likely she might do the same thing she is doing wtih you ,, she eventually might cheat on you too,, and how do you know she does not have someone else on the side who she sees secretly too??
I think is just wrong and you shouldn't put your wife to it.. and no she is not yours because she is still married to her hubby,,, just avoid the drama.

Answer 7

I think if you give your wife and children the same amount of attention you are giving the outside chick, you will grow to have those feelings for your wife. Anytime a woman cheats, is less than a woman to me. What if your daughter was married to a man like you, who cheated on her and said he would leave her b/c he was inlove w/his mistress. I really think you need to be straight up and leave the outside chick alone or tell your wife how you feel and give her the choice to deal with your infidelity or not. It's hurtful to be cheated on, especially if you don't want to stay. Your wife is in pain everyday. Trust me, she knows about your affair, and if you ever get caught over her house, you better pray her husband is a push over, that's enough to kill you over. Be a man and stop being a selfish coward. Get a divorce, and do things the right way.

Answer 8

Whether your girlfriend chooses to leave her husband or not, you need to leave your wife. What you've been doing behind her back is extremely unfair. You said yourself you're not happy with her, so be a man, and let her go. Allow her the opportunity to be with someone who may be faithful to her. Allow the both of you the chance to be truly happy. You can't sit on your heels waiting for this other woman, and keep your WIFE on the side, just in case. Leave and start over. If your girlfriend comes around, then great. Then you both can have a relationship forever wondering if the other is being faithful this time around. If leaving your wife without having a backup plan is too scary for you, then you have to cut off all ties with the other woman. And if you are a real man, you'll let your wife in on your infedelity and allow her the chance to decide if she even wants to be with YOU. Do what's right... good luck.

Answer 9

You are obviously not happy in your marriage. You need to leave and get your head straight. None of this is fair to all involved, especially the children. Get yourself centered and grounded and let your mistress do the same. If you can't run your own life, how can you be loving partner to anyone? Stop the affair and move out. Get some serious counseling. Not once in what you wrote did you ever mention you love your wife. If you don't, let her go because she nor the children deserve to live a lie. You've got some serious work to do.

Answer 10

Technically not she is someone else's wife as you are someone else's husband. But if the love is there with you two and not there with your spouses then I say what else is there to do but walk away and be together. Yeah it's a crappy situation but who cares you two have found love let's hope that once you guys do leave you will be able to stay committed because first and foremost if you did it once you'll do it again. Maybe you guys should try to hook your spouses up with one another what's the worse that can happen? Then you might not feel as bad if it works it can make for great family functions. Good Luck