Men: Why is this my fault?

Question

I married my husband BECAUSE he wasn't affectionate or demonstrative, and had a low sex drive. We were a perfect match. We both were really into our careers at the time. He used to spend 2 weekends a month camping with his friends and I was fine with that. Sometimes we traveled together. When it came time to have kids, we both agreed on when and how many. I thought things were fine.

Now, many years later, he has changed into a person that wants lots of sex and affection. The problem is I haven't changed, I'm still the same. He seems to think our incompatibility is my fault because he is now more "normal" than I am. He tells me my number one priority s/b to make him happy, but if I fake it or have to drink a little first to try to accomodate him he gets mad! He doesn't understand I can't just change because he wants me to, he acts like I'm doing this on purpose! How could I have prevented this, and how is this my fault? Should I just tell him to find someone else?

Answer 1

Get thee to a therapist, ASAP. Both you and your husband need an unbiased ear to help you two sort this out. First off, there's nothing wrong with you; you're just the way God made you. But you must understand that it's not wrong for your husband to crave more intimacy and affection from you, even though you've never given it to him (or, presumably, anyone) in the past. It is possible to teach an old dog new tricks, and you're going to have to learn to step outside of your comfort zone if you want your marriage to last.

First, you've both got to learn to communicate your needs to each other. It sounds like you just need him to leave you alone, but that's just not going to happen. Also, this isn't really a matter of this being anyone's fault. Really, would you rather be right, or would you rather be happy? Anyway, you and your husband need to find a way for him to get what he wants without either of you feeling like you're putting on a show.

Okay, so for some reason this is something you'd just rather not do. Without going into a bunch of Freudian theories about why this might be, you have to decide whether and how hard you want to work to reach some sort of compromise with your husband to save your marriage. Is this something you want to give him? Or is living like roommates so important to you that you'd rather give up your marriage than change? On a side note, do you know what made him become the opposite of what he used to be?

Anyway, just as you need to take steps to accomodate him, he needs to understand that it's not going to happen over night, if at all. What is he seeking from you? Is he being unreasonable? Does he want sex every night of the week? What exactly does he want you to do that you find so objectionable? And why do you find it objectionable? These are things you need to discuss with him, and if you are genuinely uncomfortable sharing yourself with your husband this way, maybe, just maybe, you're better off married to someone else, again, if at all.

It's usually the woman who wants her husband to be more affectionate and demonstrative, while the husband usually wants more sex. There's a common ground to be had in that situation, because more of one generally leads to more of the other. But in your situation, it sounds like you just don't want to have to be his wife -- no affection, no demonstrativeness, no intimacy, no sex. Why would your husband continue to settle for that after realizing it was missing from the relationship for so long?

Again, this isn't your fault, but it sure is up to you to do something about it. And doing nothing is "doing something" in the sense that it tells him that you're not interested in even attempting to meet him halfway, or that nothing is going to change so he'd better just get used to it. And if you take that route, you might as well start thinking about whether you want the kids for Thanksgiving or Christmas this year . . .

Answer 2

Did it occur to you that maybe he has learned to become affectionate and loving over the years because he found out how nice it is. If his family was aloof and a bit cold it will translate to him. Having a predetermined number of children is called family planning but having those children might have awakened his ability to be more open and loving.
So I guess the big question here is why are you still so cold while your husband is no longer?
He may be entirely correct that it is your fault since he is now more normal. As for making him "happy" that is a matter for debate.
I do think that to expect that you can be with someone in a relationship for a number of years without change is naive.
Life is change.
Without change you are not really living.
To deny what sounds like positive change is even worse.
To be like that voluntarily now that is your fault.

Answer 3

Ah, familiar words. My wife and I are going down separate paths too. I believe life's events change people. I know I have. I believe she has too, just like your husband did. Priorities change, jobs, kids, homes, money all come into play. It isn't fair to say it's anyones' "fault", it just happened. You can't prevent something from happening if you can't even see it coming. Your marriage of convenience suddenly went all romantic on you. Well, on him anyway. It sounds like you're at least trying, and that's admirable. He should appreciate that instead of criticize. People are who they are, you can't change someone unless they want to or feel they need to. If you both want to stay married, then seek professional help. If you decide you can't be happy together anymore, then it might be over. Despite all the sage words of wisdom given here, that decision is yours and yours alone. Good luck.

Answer 4

Regarding questions approximately intercourse and dishonest right here at Y!A, I on the whole see solutions that inform females that they must furnish their husbands with intercourse diligently, in any other case "he's going to get it someplace else". This strongly implies, to me, that plenty of men and women feel that if a person cheats, it is the lady's fault for now not retaining him sexually convinced. Personally, I consider dishonest is consistently the fault of the cheater. For illustration, a number of years in the past, I cheated on my spouse. Can you wager whose fault I consider that was once? Mine. It was once totally my fault. If my spouse have been ever to cheat on me, that could most likely even be her fault.

Answer 5

I read this two ways: #1 you are being completely upfront and honest, and you are now faced with a choice, try to change to accomodate your husband's change or call it quits. So you have a choice to make, do you want the marriage to succeed? Do you want to stay together for the sake of the kids? Then you'll have to try to come up with ways to compromise and work on making your relationship better, regardless of who changed. OR

#2. You are in complete denial and have told yourself all of these rationalizations so that you won't feel so bad about not wanting to try to stay and make it work.

Answer 6

Thank you for posting a novel problem. You've got me arguing with myself. First, I agree that you aren't at fault(possibly) because your husband of many years wants to change your marriage in basic ways. I say possibly because your husband of many years, instead of starting to take you for granted, developing outside interests and hobbies, and losing steam in the bedroom; is instead, more affectionate and sexually interested. Lady, I hope that IS your fault. Perhaps you've been a nice person, and your husband has fallen in love with you. Then, it would be your fault, for not being unlovable. I hope this is the case, because it provides hope for your relationship. Forget the idea of telling him to look elsewhere, that's ALWAYS wrong. You guys have been friends for a long time-TALK. You can work this out.

Answer 7

well people change and the only way you could have prevented it was to not have married him...its not your fault, but its not his either. Even in what you call a "normal" marriage people change..... sounds to me like you 2 married for convenience not love and well maybe now he is feeling love but you are not,(do you love him) if you do than you should want to make him happy and would do anything to make him happy. If you do not love him and you are not willing to change than yes you should let him find someone who will give him what he needs.(if that's what the 2 of you decide) 1 more thing if you do love him but you still cant bring yourself to be "normal" as you call it and you don't want to lose him than maybe you should see therapy.....Good Luck

Answer 8

Word of advice - most men are inmature, peverted assholes on these boards. (first few posts prove my case) But from a woman's P.O.V - It may take compromise on both your parts. My husband doesn't love to get me flowers - he's just not that type.. however he has changed to accomodate what is important to me. I hate sports - but I go to all his baseball games and watch hours of sports because it's important to him... Sometimes that's what you have to do if you truly love someone. See if you two can come to a loving compromise on the situation.

Answer 9

Not if you have kids at home. You should know that in life people change.... you married him and you should try to make him happy. Maybe you should see a doctor to find out why your sex drive is so low. This is your husband.... he loves you and many men feel a deep connection when they make love to their wives and most wives enjoy it. Have you tried to find out why your sex drive is so low?

Answer 10

You are upset at your husband for loving and wanting you? Huh...........Your needs may not have changed, but since his have, you need to accommodate them! He is your husband! He should be your first priority! I mean give it a try, you may need the release too, It could be good for the both of you.....and bring you closer together! Give it a chance.