Re-Marry or wait until kids are 18?

Question

Is it better for a parent not to date and concentrate on raising the kid until the kid is 18 and out of the house?...or is it better for a kid to have one step parent and the biological parent so he can grow with both parents?? whats the damage when a parent remarries brings the new steparent to the kids life and then there is another divorce?
Is there any information (statistical numbers, websites ) about this??

Answer 1

More second marriages fail then first marriages. Add certain "step" situations and the numbers are higher. They are often difficult situations.

There are also different type of step families that make the dynamics different.

1. One person has no kids.

2. Both have kids

Those are the most obvious.

Do not tread lightly into this situation. Therapy does not always work. We did it before and during and most of us ended up also seeking therapy individually due to "step" issues creating other issues.

Ex's can also weigh heavily on the situation. Bad relationships with an ex make it worse. Even good ones can be very trying.

I eventually chose to end it. No one happy = no point!

Answer 2

I don't have stats or web sites, but I do have experience. I divorced my first husband when our oldest daughter was 5 and our youngest was 1 year old. I began dating almost immediately since the marriage was bad for a long time before the divorce and I was over it. I met a wonderful guy pretty early on and we lived together for a year and a half before we married. We have been together for 7 years, married for 4 years and have also had a son together.

He is a wonderful step-parent and the girls love him very much. Sometimes, I think they like him more than they like me,lol! They come to him with questions that I am unable to answer and with problems that they think he will understand better than I would. All in all, I say that the more people who love a child, the better. My girls lives would be missing something if he wasn't there for them. My marriage has also provided the girls with an extended step family including aunts, uncles, cousins around their age and wonderful step grandparents.

I think a happy parent is a better parent. You have to decide if you want romance in your life. If you decide to date and you are taking care of your kids' needs, there's no reason not to. You can get to know a potential partner and introduce her to your kids when you think the time is right and that the relationship is stable. I waited for a few months before I introduced my kids to my current husband. We were pretty serious by then, he knew I had kids from the beginning and knew I was waiting to introduce them until I was reasonably sure the realtionship was heading to the alter.

I was also raised by a step parent that I am very close to to this day. My step dad definately taught me things that my mom wasn't into or able to teach me. A lot of the good things in me came from him. I have also noticed that my husband has done the same for my girls. My youngest daughter shares a lot of his personality traits and habits. My oldest daughter has become a teen and she is having the same kind of hard time that my husband had. I was very different and I sometimes do not "get it", but he does and is a great help to me dealing with and understanding her issues.

With the right person, a step parent can make a huge difference to both the children and the mother/father.

Answer 3

Having being in the situation of the child I generally think it varies from person to person.

I live with my Mum and my parents are divorced, they seperated 15 years ago when I was 3. My Dad remarried and now has another child whereas my Mum has rarely dated as she wanted to look after my sister and I.

I don't know whether my Mum not dating much has effected me (I feel I had a very good upbringing) but the break up of my parents did so it's probably better to speak to the kids and see how they feel about it or something.

I'm very bitter towards my Dad's new wife, but then she did split my parents up, this might not always be the case. But yeah, I'd say it depends on the child and the situation when the parents broke up.

Answer 4

I don't have any specific statistics but I do know that blended families have an even higher divorce rate than marriages with no children.
I remarried a man with 2 kids (from 2 marriages). His daughter was 10 and his son was 3. We got custody of the daughter when she was 12 because her mom expected her to be the main babysitter to her 3 younger siblings. We thought she deserved a childhood. She lived with us for over 3 years but didn't appreciate that we had rules and expectations so she moved in with her grandma. She ended up dropping out of school but eventually went back and last Thursday she graduated from college! She attributes her success to her dad. She now realizes we had her best interests at heart.
His son was also 12 when he moved in with us. His mom had never, and I mean NEVER told him no. Everything we tried to do for him, she un-did, so his life here was difficult on him. We expected him to do a few chores (easy ones, trust me), and keep his grades up and be a part of the family.
He turned 18 in May and moved in with a friend to finish high school. He's a very angry young man and pissed off at his dad. We're hoping that he will come around like his daughter did.
It is extremely important that the stepparent leaves the discipline up to the bio parent. We went to counseling several times and this is the best information I can give you.
Parenting styles should be at least similar in order for it to work. If your ex and new wife are reasonable and truly want what's best for the child, it can work. Good luck. You will need it.

Answer 5

i think it would be an decision based on what good it would bring to the family. what's wrong with having more people in your life that care about you? a parent's job is hard enough, always putting the kids first. sometimes parents need somebody else to help them out. the parent would have to find someone who is responsible and could fit into the lives with children easily and understand that sometimes they would have to take a backburner to the kids. if the step parent is dedicated, mature and has the same morals and goals as the family its joining, it can be a winning situation for all involved. if the person the parent choses isn't a great fit, well, there can be major complications and the kids would suffer from it. i don't think that any person should put their lives on hold because of their children. they should do what's right for the kids, but don't put off a relationship with someone wonderful because life is too short!

Answer 6

I agree with Lisa R. Focus on your kids as much as you can but don't neglect someone you feel that you have a connection to. My father remarried and divorced twice after my parents split up so I got to see him happy and not so happy with other people. My mother never did remarry and while she was a super involved mom she never got that piece of her life back until we were both out of the house. That's a shame because it would have been good to see how she handled marriage with someone better suited for her. My boyfriend has a daughter whom I expect to be step-mother too and since she never really got to see her parents together (her mom died) I think it will be good for her too. I looked for websites and stats when I was doing my dissertation but nothing really came up on the topic. If I find something today I'll edit and post it.

Answer 7

Speaking from my point of view on this after being in the step parent, it is hard on children and everyone inviovled it the marriage doesn't work out. The older the child, more of a problem they have to adjust to the new person in their life. It is done everyday, but it is work on both of their part. I found it to be hard to keep with their way of celebrations and such and found you can't change that, which leads to problems of the old way they lived before someone else came into the picture. Sometimes you have the parent who doesn't want their child to get to close to you, this doesn't make any sense to me, but it happens and when it does the child see's that and then the step becomes the evil one.

Answer 8

The younger marrying age was in effect when people would 'become an adult' sooner. Way back, 14 year olds were working 16 hours a day to help support their families. So thus it made sense to allow them to marry at such an age. It was probably changed to match the new set of ideals. I.E. Government funded education to the 12th grade, stricter work restrictions for minors ect.

Answer 9

This is a really subjective question with a dozen different answers. If you have teenagers, wait. Most teens don't want a "stranger" in their midst growing up. If you have a very young female child with no mother substitute in her life, re-marrying might be a great idea IF your new wife is nurturing and loving towards your little girl. Some little boys want a new Dad, others do not. I'd date, but not re-marry unless or until your child lets you know that having this person in their life is just fine with them.

Answer 10

I have a stepfather and I hatre him but that is beside the point. He's not right for my mom anyway. I think it's fine for you to remarry. Just make sure to get the child(ren)'s opinion of the woman. (I'm guessing from your guy from your Avatar). My mother didn;t do that and i hate this guy. If the kid doesn;t like her and she doesn;t like them, forget it. A child should have both parental figures if possable. Well Good luck. And remember, as much as u wanna make your kids happy, you are a person too, not just a parent. Have fun!