But my kids are my life, they will be happy no matter what-?

Question

I recently posted about being married to a man who is good to my kids but I am not in love with him. I should also not that I have been talking to a friend of mine in a "more than friends" way. My husband is nice, overly sensitive but a great father. I am not happy here. I was pushed into marrying him and I am not a very strong person so I have never spoken up about my feeling till now. Now that I have I have become a wreck- I dont want to hurt him but I need to be true to myself. Now everyone who answered the last question said I need to think of the kids, I am- they are my life. If mommy is crying everyday or depressed on a daily basis how is that good for them. If daddy wont even talk to me then what? I told him i was not happy, but he makes me feel so guilty, he has always been good at that. I am not leaving him to run to another man, I would be leaving him to find me, then I might find that I was wrong about him or that the other is good for me. I know I a a messed up person, help

Answer 1

Being depressed will only cloud your thinking about these problems your having. Seek help with the depression and then think of what your next move will be. Making decisions when stressed out will only lead to more problems in the future. You said you weren't strong, so be careful what you say or do when it comes time to leave. Yes, I agree it isn't good for the kids to see mommy this way and you need to be happy for all of you to lead a full and healthy life. Do what you think is best for you and the kids.

Answer 2

I would've said, stay and think about the kids, maybe get on an antidepressant. As a therapist, I can tell you that most of what we are looking for in another relationship really need to come from our inner self. Also, that Prince Charming really isn't out there - we overidealize others until we are actually living with them every day, so really think about what you are doing.
However, I get your point about the kids not being happy if you are that unhappy....So, if you do decide to leave, make it clean. Get uninvolved with the other "more-than-a-friend" until after you are divorced. Be strong, face the music, get your support system from girlfriends, keep the kids reassured that both parents will always be there for them, and be sure that really happens. When you've had a year or two to get everyone through the trauma, and work on finding strengths and happiness in yourself, then you can consider becoming more that just friends with someone whom you gradually introduce to your kids. Right now, even though this growing involvement with "more-than-a-friend" may be comforting for you, but it muddies up the blame that inevitably comes with a split, and creates someone your kids won't bond with - he would always be the enemy that broke up mommy and daddy.
Good luck.

Answer 3

Mommy is choosing to cry everyday and be a wreck. That is a choice you are making because you are feeling sorry for yourself and probably guilty for being an adulterer. How are you not leaving for another man when, even if only mentally, you have already cheated with your "more than friends" relationship with another man?

You should think of the kids and stop wallowing in your own self pity and make your marriage happy and work. That is in your power. You are looking to your hubby to make you happy while setting expectations he can't meet. You need to be looking to yourself for happiness and treating him right instead of blaming all of you sadness on him.

You say you were pushed into marrying him and you weren't a very strong person. So you weren't strong enough to say anything then, but now, when it will destroy your children's lives and your family, you all of a sudden are strong enough?

Now you are strong enough to leave, but not strong enough to make changes in you that could bring back happiness and yes, even love. Changes that could save your family and save your children from having to deal with mommy and daddy and their new significant others and all of the other pain and hurt that comes from divorce.

Honestly... what are you thinking? I know it's of you and only you. If you wanted to be happy, if you wanted your marriage to work, if you wanted to love your husband, you would do everything you could to make that happen. All I hear is alot of whining and unwillingness to do anything to make it work.

And to answer your question up there, no, just because they are your life doesn't mean they will be happy no matter what. The world is full of kids going through hell, blaming themselves, dealing with mean step parents, all the pain of divorce and having their family tore apart and guess what, some of them have parents that think they are their life as well.

Answer 4

Get counselling now. The trill you get from having a "friend" outside of your marriage will fade and you will still be depressed and in a worse position than now.

Get in counselling and stay in counseling. There are rough roads in marriages and just because you don't feel that "zing, "think several times about giving that up. You don't say how old your kids are but I'll bet they're little. It's hard when they are so dependent. Do you need time for yourself?

You can stay with your current husband and find yourself. But first, get counseling. You may have to go on meds. Don't let anyone tell you that you're being weak about doing that; they are not walking in your shoes.

Try to remember the things you used to love to do. What interests you NOW? It may take you a while to figure that out because your life is very different. When you discover what you like, take steps to do it. If you like crafts, see if you can find people who do that. Rec. Dept., craft stores, etc. Only you can know that.

The "zing" fades. Think carefully.

Answer 5

Being weak is what got you into this mess in the first place. Since you were pushed into marrying him and you knew then that you didn't love him then you should never had children by him. But honey you know you can't turn back the clock so you are going to have to deal with the situation you have. You can no longer go on tormenting yourself or your children. This is one instance that I recommend counseling for you, your husband and your children. They can sense you are unhappy and this may just affect their lives in the future.
Don't make your life more complicated by starting yet another relationship. You have to resolve your problems with this one first. It's not fair to your other person to get him involved in your problems. And yes, he will be involved and it could destroy any feelings he has for you. Do something now and don't hesitate any longer! You have other people's lives at stake. Are you sure that you don't love him? You would put hurting him above your children and your own happiness? Quit procrastinating and DO SOMETHING!

Answer 6

You have already answered your questions. You want someone to tell you it is okay to get with another man. You want everyone to assure you that your kids will be okay because you are having an affair. (adultry) You want some to take your guilt away. At least you have some feelings. You are messed up. No one can force some one to get married in this day and age in America. You need to get in counciling. If he is such a good father and is good to you. What most women would give for that.
Remember the grass always looks greener on the other side.
You took vows. Get counciling and stopping the affair. You are crying because you know that you are doing wrong. Get you head to gether and try and save a marriage. The affair is what is tearing you apart.
Get help not a divorce.

Answer 7

Listen - I posted to your previous question.
I can tell you that you are depressed. But - the solution is not outside you, it's not your "friend". Your depression is making you miserable, and leaving your husband will seem like another failure and make you even more depressed. Seek professional help for yourself and join a support group. Your doctor can decide if you need meds for your depression.
Your husband is upset, this is natural. Once he sees that you are trying to solve your depression, he'll start to feel better. he's worked hard on the marriage and you've just totally rejected him.
You'll be even more "messed up" if you destroy your family.
1.Stop contact with your "friend". Tell him that you are depressed and need some time to take are of yourself.
2.Seek professional help for yourself.
3.Then reevaluate your marriage, honestly. Enter marriage counseling or just start spending more quality time with your husband. And let things progress.
4. You'll feel better about everything.

Answer 8

depending on your age at this stage in your life you may have gone through a lot of frustrating and depressing situations in life. So first you need to address your state of mind at this time and why you are feeling so trapped in trying to find yourself and trying to love a man. Seek professional help on this matter first before you make a sound decision to give up on your present marriage relationship. If you need a time out then ask for them from your mate so that you can concentrate your efforts on what is taking place in your mind and body.

I do hope you believe in God because at this time he alone truly understands what you are going through and why. If you do believe in God, Please pray ceaslessly about it because not only you life but the lives of your children and your mate is at stake. I wish you success in make a sound decision that is in the best interest of all concerned.

Answer 9

I know what you are feeling, I too fell out of love with my husband, and we have one child together. If your heart is residing somewhere else it is not fair to your husband or to your family. Your kids will always have a mom and a dad if you are not together, it will be hard but it can work.
You need to truely be prepared to start over with nothing, and be ok with that.
The heart wants what the heart wants, you can't deny that!

Answer 10

You have kids with him. There has to be something that attracted you to him in the first place. Find what that was and try to reconnect with that feeling. If that doesnt work, try marriage counceling. Only after everything you can possibly think of fails, think about leaving.