Emotional affair?

Question

My filed fo divorce claiming i was having an emotional affair with an ex girl friend.I emailed this ex with concerns about my wifes closet drinking.My wife found the email and was devistated.This was 18 months ago.She says she has tried to get over it all this time but can't.She says she forgives me but can't forget.And wants to move on with her life.I love my wife but she has filed for divorce and it will be final this week.I wasn't having an emotional affair,i was confiding in someone that happened to be my ex girl friend.My wife has turned into a cold closed off robot.She has changed her phone numbers etc.I just wanted her to level with me and open up .She won't and im havng a very hard time moving on.She was everything to me.We loved each other so much and now its just like we never happened.How can this woman just cut and run like this.Both of us are 44.We knew each other in high school back in 1980. We found each other and got married in 2005 .

I wanted pre marital counseling,she said that was for newly weds and wouldn't agree.She also said AA was i bunch of bull.More denial on her part.Maybe premarital counseling would have exposed her drinking as well.The way i see is that its all about her control.She was on the fast track to get married and now the fast track to get divorced.I miss her presence in my life.I was happy and had no idea she was so miserable.I tried to talk to her so many times but when i would ask her whats wrong or is there anything i can do for you.She would just say nothings wrong or i don't want to talk about it.Always a wall around her.She is so beautiful and smart.I miss holding her in my arms and telling her how much i love her no matter what.I wanted to be there for her,im a very understanding guy and it takes alot to phase me.Why did i wait all these years to get married at 40 only to have it blow up in my face.Will i ever find another person to love as much as i do her.Can i ever really let go.

She never changed her last name to mine when we got married.She said she wanted to keep it because of her son.We also never comingled funds.We kept our money seperate.Although i wanted a joint accout.What does this say about her.

Answer 1

you did this to yourself can you blame her for being upset you told someone something that was like very personal for her and you told someone and she found out and now she feels betrayed by you . You ,someone she thought she could trust and you broke that trust so you got what you deserved my friend and now you want someone to tell you that it is okay what you did . Nope she has gotten rid of you and it is time for you to move on . You need to move on too.

Answer 2

Two key points to this problem.
1- alcoholism is a tough battle to fight. the addicted mind develops its own sense of reasoning that defies normal logic. The non-alcoholic partner can often be emotionally drained by the alcoholics steady decline. Waiting for this person to reach rock bottom and then try to be cured can years to reach and is not an easy path to share.
2 - the emotional affair is most likely in response to the unfulfilled nature of your current marriage. emotional affairs are a safe way to satisfy a missing part of a relationship. your wife has taken that to define what is wrong and has used it as an out to your current situation.
- there's a whole range of complicated emotions with this situation. the easy way out is to go with the divorce and then take time to catch your breath about things and then move on. dealing with an addict is a losing battle. if you want to have years of struggle, denial and frustration for the hope that one day things will get better - stay married and prepare for a long and rocky road. there might be hope at the end of the tunnel, but at what price do you want to pay.
- Al anon can help you with your emotional situation. it is the counterpart to AA. it's for people with spouses, friends and significant others with a drinking problem. This could be a way to help you save your sanity .
- hope this all helps.

Answer 3

Dude, Confiding with your ex???? That's a big NO NO!!! SHE'S YOUR WIFE!!!! YOU SHOULD HAVE CONFIDE IN HER FIRST!!!!!! If I was your wife I would totally hate you. Reason for that is because you had a love relationship with your ex, the more you continue to keep contact with your ex, feelings may come back. Your wife probably feared that. I don't know what to tell you... maybe you can ask for just a separation, and tell her that you want to make things work. DUDE, NEXT TIME TALK TO YOUR WIFE FIRST BEFORE CONFIDING IN ANYONE ELSE. NEVER WITH AN EX.

Answer 4

Your wife filing for divorce was a little extreme but you were wrong to tell her business to you ex-girlfriend, out of all the people to confide in? She feels betrayed and if the divorce is almost final and she has stopped you from contacting her by changing her numbers, then you just might have to deal with her decision and move on with your life and let her come to you if she wants.

Answer 5

I think your wife felt that there was a major trust issue that was broken. Why would you confide something so emotional for her to a total stranger...an ex of yours no least? I imagine mostly she was hurt and embarrassed. That is something the 2 of you should have discussed and worked out together...not bring in a 3rd person. I would thrink realizing what you did wrong and giving a heartfelt apology might help, but the damage has been done. Good luck.

Answer 6

It sounds like you guys had problems before you confided in your ex. This just happened to be the final straw for your wife. I do understand how your wife feels but I don't know if I would divorce you over it. She is hurt, if she isn't willing to work it out all you can do is let her know how you feel and hope she comes around. If not then move on.

Answer 7

Umm, and what exactly IS an emotional affair? It sounds to me like she expects you to not talk to or be friends with anyone of the opposite sex. The fact that she's reacted in such an extreme way about something so trivial as an email to a friend (that she shouldn't have been reading anyway) leads me to believe she has issues other than the "closet drinking" you mentioned, and is in need of some serious help. However you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. If she really wants to go, let her go.

Answer 8

first off you were wrong for confiding in an "ex". that is a major no no to your partner and sends all kinds of red flags on the playing field. secondly, alcohol can make you think differently and may be she is not in her right state of mind because of the drinking. let her be for now because it sounds like she has some other reason for leaving but used you talking to your ex as an excuse to leave. she needs to work on herself. help her with the alcohol problem and then try to mend things when that gets resolved.

Answer 9

Well the first mistake you made was that you went to another woman with this and not to the person you should've been talking to about it. My husband's counselor told him that only leads to problems as in affairs if you go to someone one of the opposite sex with marital problems. You wanted her to level with you, then you talk to her. You should've let her know that it really bothers you that she is drinking so much. She was embarassed that you were telling your ex about your problems. As she should be. You needed to let her know that you love her and are concerned for her well being and that it is time to get into AA and some counseling. What was telling your ex about your problems going to fix? You gotta go to the source. Perhaps your wife was extremely unhappy with something else in your marriage and that is part of why she was drinking and filed for divorce.

Answer 10

Brutally honest conversations are the cornerstone of relationships.

Your mistake in my opinion was that you were talking with someone else about your wife's problem when you should have really been talking to your wife.

Tell your wife exaclty what you told us here, and then you need to move forward with your life. If your wife wants to patch up the relationship then get the book "his needs, her needs" and read it and live it.

good luck.